From the Feb 26 – Mar 3, 2004 issue

Columns

Last Days

by David Schmader

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 16

The week begins with Last Days' first original column in a frickin' month--a time rich with incident (most notably* the death of Mary-Ellis Bunim, co-creator of the landscape-altering reality series The Real World) and loaded with guest columnists (most notably last week's Meg van Huygen, who did such a fine job she has every right to begin praying for us to be struck by a bus). But today time marched on with Presidents' Day, the U.S. holiday that honors, with closed banks and no mail, two of the nation's most beloved presidents: George "I cannot tell a lie" Washington and Abraham "I wrote that amazing inaugural address" Lincoln. However, history is written by the winners, and for a full, musical explication of this fascinating day of commemoration, proceed directly to www.thestranger.com/specials/presidentsdaysong.mp3 to hear Dina Martina's peerless "Presidents' Day Song. "

*In addition to Howard Dean's scream and concession, Janet's whoopsie-boob, and the Bush administration's meticulous rape of the future.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17

God knows that Last Days loves hyperbole more than God loves anything. However, we are not being facetious when we declare tonight's episode of the new UPN classic America's Next Top Model to be the single greatest hour of non-Simpsons television ever aired in this good-idea-gone-wrong of a country. Tracking the day-by-day efforts of a dozen wannabe waifs vying for a high-profile modeling contract, Model hit UPN last year, striking psychodramatic pay dirt with what proved to be the most surprisingly complex portrait of young American women ever on prime time. (Key division among competitors/richest topic of conversation: issues of morality. Second-richest topic of conversation: each other's eating disorders.) The new season hasn't gotten nearly as deep--not yet, at least--but what season two lacks in ideas it makes up for in deep, hard yuks. In this post-politically-correct/sensitivity-training age, picking on minorities, from hyphen-Americans to overweight gays, is considered impolite at best and evil at worst. With basic dignity ostensibly bestowed to all, who are we to laugh at? Each week, UPN provides a glorious answer, in the form of an ever-narrowing pool of beautiful young women who allow themselves to be plucked, prodded, and shot by a rotating cast of bitchy queens, then judged by a board of bitchy fashionistas, including mastermind/ host Tyra Banks and the hilariously salty "world's first supermodel!" Janice Dickinson, who looks like she's made out of leather and eats a newborn baby for breakfast every morning. Truly, tonight's sob montage (the girls take an acting class!) was a high-water mark of American comedy--but America's Next Top Model isn't all shits-n-schadenfreude. Behind the fair-game humiliation lies a human heart--several, actually--with Last Days' hometown favorites being Seattle's Sara, she of the gorgeously sleepy eyes and disapproving Middle Eastern father, and Burien's Jenascia, who may be too short for a supermodel but is a fucking rock star nonetheless.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18

In worse news: Today the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported the icky story of "Grandpa Phil," the 73-year-old man accused of sexually assaulting a 4-year-old girl while she was in daycare at a private Marysville home. Yesterday Philip E. Corneil--known to local kids as "Grandpa Phil"--was arrested and charged with first-degree rape of a child, with bail set at $250,000. Today, Snohomish County detectives are asking anyone who had contact with Grandpa Phil--who had the good fortune of renting a room in the house that served as a daycare--to call 425-388-3845.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19

Speaking of sick fucking situations: Today Last Days plunges into the roiling pit of hubris that is Mel Gibson, suddenly everywhere thanks to The Passion of the Christ, Gibson's blood-fetish retelling of the final half-day of Jesus, scheduled to set audiences to wailing, rending, and gnashing this Ash Wednesday. First was today's Associated Press story on The Passion of the Christ's most popular bit of memorabilia--2 1/2-inch pewter replicas of the nails used to hang Jesus on the cross, each of which is slung on a sleek leather cord and bears the inscription "Isaiah 53:5," referring to a Bible verse, "He was pierced for our transgressions...." "The response so far has been overwhelming," said Family Christian Store owner Tina Weldon of the $16.99 nail pendants, which are manufactured under a licensing agreement with Mel Gibson. "It's very symbolic for a lot of people." Charles Houser, publications manager at the American Bible Society's Nida Institute for Biblical Scholarship, concurs: "The cross has become such a benign jewelry item.... The shock of its original form is lost to modern people. Choosing the detail of the spike would be to reinvigorate the image." Speaking of shocking images: Last Days was next confronted with footage of Mel Gibson's spooky, spooky television interview with Diane Sawyer, during which the actor/director/messiah did nothing to distance himself from the prodigious anti-Semitism of his father (a vocal proponent of the "there was no Holocaust--the Jews just left Poland for New York" theory). Instead, Gibson gave himself over to a truly disturbing intensity, baring his teeth and luxuriating in "not since Hitler!" levels of aggravated self-possession. We weren't the only ones freaked out: Last Days' maternal grandmother, a deeply thoughtful woman with 70-plus years of devout Catholicism under her new hip, also felt the chill: "There's something wrong with that man," said Grandma Midge, who, for the record, has never been wrong about anything.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 20

For years, Last Days has bemoaned the cruelty of a certain piece of public art. Located near the corner of Broadway and Harrison Street, the offending sculpture depicts a concrete hobo sleeping on a very real bench--a galling object made explicitly hideous tonight as Last Days witnessed a number of living, breathing hobos sleeping on the ground in front of the bench inhabited by their intractable concrete doppelg...nger. Last Days does not endorse any criminal activity. But should anyone happen to give that statue the whimsical, non-criminal makeover it so clearly deserves, please send photos to lastdays@thestranger.com.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21

Nothing happened today.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22

Nothing today either.

Hey folks: My new solo piece, Mansize, directed by Charles Smith, runs through Feb 29 at On the Boards. Call 271-9888 for specifics. And send Hot Tips to lastdays@ thestranger.com.