MONDAY, JULY 15 This week of terrible findings, heroic teens, and impressive presidential speeches kicks off in Seattle, where the Seattle Police Department Canine Unit enjoyed a night of triumph, helping nab not one but two criminal suspects. "The first call, at about 10:30 p.m. Monday night, was a report of a man masturbating to an 11-year-old child... on Beacon Avenue South," reports Seattlepi.com. "When the 29-year-old suspect was confronted, he ran from the scene... A police dog team arrived and tracked down the wanted man in the 11800 block of 54th Avenue South. He was arrested and booked into King County Jail for investigation of child molestation." Not two hours later, the canine cops were again called into service, this time to track a naked man who'd reportedly climbed through the window of a University District residence and asked for a woman who did not live there. "He then asked the occupants if he could 'crash,'" reports Seattlepi.com. "When rebuffed, he left back out the window." Cop dogs tracked the suspect to the roof of a house, firefighters helped get him down, and the man was taken to a hospital for examination ("because drugs may have been involved in the incident"), after which he was booked into King County Jail.

TUESDAY, JULY 16 In worse news, the week continues with a day of terrible discoveries, starting in England, where a Derbyshire woman is making headlines after a trip to Peru left her with an ear canal full of flesh-eating maggots. Details come from the BBC, which identifies the news-making maggot host as 27-year-old Rochelle Harris, who returned home from a Peruvian vacation—during which she walked through a swarm of flies—with a severe headache, shooting pain in her face, and "scratching noises" in her head. "Doctors at Royal Derby Hospital found the New World Screwworm Fly larvae," reports the BBC. "During a closer inspection using a microscope and speculum, [a surgeon] described a 'writhing mass' of maggots and found a family of eight large maggots. Ms. Harris has suffered no long-term effects of the encounter but says she is no longer squeamish about bugs."

•• Meanwhile in Eastern Washington, police made a grisly discovery this morning when they found a 62-year-old man lying in the street next to his severed genitals. "Sheriff's Capt. Dan Hally says a portion of the genitalia was recovered and sent to the hospital for possible reattachment," reports the Associated Press. "Hally says the incident was not an accident, but there is no danger to the general public."

WEDNESDAY, JULY 17 The week continues in West Seattle, where early this morning an alleged car thief became an alleged attempted murderer after running over a man with his own car. Details come from KOMO, which reports a 24-year-old man saw someone breaking into his car just after 6 a.m. When he stepped in front of the car to intercede, the female suspect stepped on the gas. "Stole his car, ran him over with his own car," the victim's stepmother, Kelly Horror- Deal, told KOMO, which reports that "the stolen Cadillac hit the man with such force that it knocked him right out of his Air Jordans." As for the car-heisting woman: Police tracked her and the stolen car down in SeaTac, where she was arrested and subsequently booked into King County Jail. The victim remains in Harborview Medical Center, with "head trauma and other trauma to his body," reports KOMO.

THURSDAY, JULY 18 In better news, the week continues at Seattle's Green Lake, where tonight a 19-year-old man from France was saved from drowning by a couple of fearless Good Samaritans. As KIRO reports, the drama went down around 7:30 p.m., when the visiting Frenchman jumped off the dock into the water and immediately started struggling. Lacking both the ability to swim and the presence of an official lifeguard (who went off duty 30 minutes earlier), the unnamed man was left to be rescued by two heroic bystanders. Heroic bystander #1: 14-year-old Gidget Boe, who tried to pull the man to safety but wound up in jeopardy herself. "When he started drowning me, it was really scary," Boe told KIRO. "I couldn't get any breath." So thank God for heroic bystander #2, a nameless person who pulled out both teens and began CPR on the original drowner, who paramedics estimated had been underwater for nearly four minutes. Nevertheless, the man's pulse was found and he was rushed to Harborview, where he is expected to survive. Thank you, Good Samaritans.

FRIDAY, JULY 19 The week continues in Washington, DC, where today President Obama delivered a surprise address on the Trayvon Martin verdict and his experience as a black man in America, which we will now excerpt at length: "You know, when Trayvon Martin was first shot, I said that this could have been my son. Another way of saying that is Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago... There are very few African American men in this country who have not had the experience of being followed when they are shopping in a department store. That includes me. There are probably very few African American men who have not had the experience of walking across the street and hearing the locks click on the doors of cars. That happens to me—at least before I was a senator... Now, this isn't to say that the African American community is naive about the fact that African American young men are disproportionately involved in the criminal justice system, that they're disproportionately both victims and perpetrators of violence. It's not to make excuses for that fact—although black folks do interpret the reasons for that in a historical context. They understand that some of the violence that takes place in poor black neighborhoods around the country is born out of a very violent past in this country, and that the poverty and dysfunction that we see in those communities can be traced to a very difficult history... And for those who resist that idea that we should think about something like these 'stand your ground' laws, I'd just ask people to consider, if Trayvon Martin was of age and armed, could he have stood his ground on that sidewalk? And do we actually think that he would have been justified in shooting Mr. Zimmerman who had followed him in a car because he felt threatened? And if the answer to that question is at least ambiguous, then it seems to me that we might want to examine those kinds of laws."

SATURDAY, JULY 20 Nothing happened today (unless you count the death of 92-year-old White House correspondent/noted anti-Semite Helen Thomas).

SUNDAY, JULY 21 The week ends.

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