From the Mar 11 – Mar 17, 2004 issue

Columns

Last Days

by David Schmader

MONDAY, MARCH 1

The week kicks off with a hot new contender for the worst story in the entire world, courtesy of the merciless Associated Press. Today's tale comes from California's El Dorado Hills, where a 41-year-old man was arrested after allegedly engaging in sex acts with a 2-month-old girl. Last week agents from U.S. Immigration and Customs arrested Larry Michael Jeffs after allegedly finding explicit video images of Jeffs employing his baby-love charms on the infant--one of the youngest sexual assault victims ever encountered by the feds, as agents told the AP. News reports offer nothing on how the now 8-month-old girl came to be in the possession of Mr. Jeffs (uncle? babysitter? john?), but authorities were alerted to the alleged assault after images of Jeffs and the baby girl were found during a kiddie-porn investigation in Detroit. Jeffs has been charged with producing and distributing child pornography (no rape/assault charges yet) and is being held without bond in Sacramento County Jail.

TUESDAY, MARCH 2

As a living witness to both the Cola Wars of the 1980s and the Collect-Call Wars of the early 21st century, Last Days is well acquainted with the ebb and flow of commercial warfare. Today brought the opening shots in 2004's Stackable Potato Chip War, fired today by Procter & Gamble, who demanded via letter that rival snack empire Frito-Lay halt its advertising campaign claiming that customers prefer Frito-Lay's new Stax potato chips over Procter & Gamble's original, visionary Pringles. Since hitting the U.S. market in September, Stax have waged a passionate battle to weaken Pringles' hold on the market for "canned crisps," which, the Associated Press informs us, look like potato chips, but are made from molded potato flakes rather than sliced spuds. Both P&G and Frito-Lay claim "consumer preference research" has identified their canned crisp as the more delicious. In lieu of a formal government study, Last Days conducted our own survey, pitting the upstart Stax against the eternally beloved Pringles in an office-wide taste test. To Last Days' potato-crisp palate, P&G's Pringles, with their patented salty-chemical dissolve, were the obvious winners--a view shared by books editor Christopher Frizzelle and managing editor Bradley Steinbacher. However, Frito-Lay's Stax found sympathetic tongues in the skulls of arts calendar editor Annie Wagner, associate editor Charles Mudede, and the entire Stranger news department, all of whom praised the enhanced thickness and decreased saltiness of Stax. Attempts to break the tie via nutritional comparison were inconclusive, and the war rages on....

--Speaking of war: Today saw an unprecedented level of bloodshed in post-Saddam Iraq, where at least 143 people were killed by coordinated suicide-bomb attacks against the millions of Shiite worshippers gathered in Baghdad and Karbala.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 3

For the third morning in a row, Last Days turned on CNN/Fox News/MSNBC to discover the revolution will indeed by televised. This morning's mind-bending delight: Multiple reports on Jason West, the 26-year-old mayor of New Paltz, NY, ordered to appear in court today for allegedly breaking state law by solemnizing nearly two dozen same-sex weddings last week. Truly, every day seems to bring a new warrior in the suddenly urgent fight to extend the basic civil right of marriage to same-sex couples, and if such sudden progress gives us a bit of future-is-now vertigo, it's far outweighed by the thrill of watching a whole bunch of people make a long-overdue evolutionary leap that will bring America nothing but good. Or might lead us into civil war. Stay tuned for news updates and registry notices.

THURSDAY, MARCH 4

Today brought not one but two newsworthy stories involving salad. Story #1 comes from Winter Haven, Florida, home of the Spring Haven Retirement Community and site of the now-legendary old-folks' food fight. As Florida police told the Associated Press, the fracas began when resident Lee Thoss, 62, was picking through the salad bar's lettuce, which disgusted 86-year-old fellow resident William Hocker. Words were exchanged, and Thoss began punching Hocker in the face. By the time the melee ended, the injured included 79-year-old Allen Croft (who tried to grab Thoss and was bitten on the arm), 92-year-old Harry Griffin (who was knocked to the ground and cut his head), and Lee Thoss' own mother, Arlene, who tried to stop her sexagenarian son from fighting and ended up with a cut arm. No charges have been pressed, but administrators have asked the rabble-rousing Lee Thoss to move out. Salad story #2 comes from Canton, Ohio, where a 22-year-old female diner was enjoying a lunchtime salad at Red Robin when she bit down on what she thought was an errant bit of gristle. Turns out it was a chunk of thumb, lopped off a lettuce-chopping employee the day before. The Associated Press reports that the Canton Red Robin has been cited for "serving adulterated food'' and improper supervision.

FRIDAY, MARCH 5

Today brought a stunningly horrible verdict in the trial of Martha Stewart, today found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and two counts of making false statements to federal investigators--charges that carry a penalty of up to 20 years in prison. As the weekend's news programming ably indicated, everyone has an opinion on the Stewart verdict, but for today's item, Last Days narrowed the pundit pool to four. First up is Jake, a 26-year-old artist who's read every book ever written about Martha, whom he considers a figure of rare historical import. "Just wait," says Jake, who predicts the coming century will see operas written about the woman who followed the precepts of '70s feminism all the way back into the kitchen, where she revolutionized the art and perception of homemaking while winning fans across the land as "the only billionaire CEO in history who gives a shit about the work of small-town artisans." As for the much-voiced argument that Stewart was collared for seemingly small, vague, victimless crimes while dozens of far more diabolical male CEOs plunder the nation's retirement funds and walk free, we turned to pundit #2: Mindy, a 35-year-old lawyer who deeply empathizes with the "Martha got screwed" crowd, but understands how the screw happened. "Simply put, the government doesn't like being lied to," says Mindy. "That's why the penalties are so stiff. It sucks, but if they catch you and want to get you, you're doomed." The topic of Stewart's undecided penalty brings us to pundit #3: Whitewater pawn Susan McDougal, who told CNN about the daily mortifications of life in a federal penitentiary. "Every day there's fear and humiliation," said McDougal with the look of a woman who's been made to sit in a growing puddle of menstrual blood while awaiting a guard to escort her to the restroom. Which brings us to pundit #4: Last Days. Our take: Obviously Stewart did something wrong; obviously lots of other people have done things much worse; and obviously the feds wanted to make an example of Stewart. But the reasons for targeting Martha--the first billionaire CEO with a womb--reek of good old-fashioned misogyny and sexism, and whoever disagrees can suck our cunt.

SATURDAY, MARCH 6

Nothing happened today.

SUNDAY, MARCH 7

The week ends with yet another bloody bang, as tonight Iraqi insurgents fired at least seven rockets on U.S. coalition headquarters in Baghdad, wounding one American. Speaking of wounded Americans: Today authorities found the body of Spalding Gray in New York's East River. RIP, Mr. Gray.

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