The week kicks off with a quick burst of good news. Today the Associated Press reported the heartwarming story of Tim Rivers, the 24-year-old Indianapolis man laid off last week from his job at a tractor factory only to win an $89 million Powerball prize. "Winning that much money terrified me,'' said Rivers, who told the AP he plans to use his consolation fortune ($49.9 million cash before taxes) to move his family--including daycare-worker wife Pam, and the pair's two young children--out of their mobile home and into a new house, and to bankroll both young parents' return to school.
TUESDAY, MARCH 16
As an inhabitant of the post-Elvis/Stones/Zep/Blondie/Madonna/Eminem/White Stripes era, Last Days has long presumed ourselves incapable of ever being shocked anew by the appropriation of African-American culture by melanin-deprived others. But today our presumption exploded in response to a new commercial for Old Navy, wherein the thrifty trend-merchant attempts to tempt bargain hunters with "prices on the down-low!", forging a mind-bending connection between inexpensive casual wear and the social substratum of African-American men-who-have-sex-with-men-without-thinking-of-themselves-as-gay, whose furtive activities are suspected as a key component in the spread of HIV within predominately African-American communities. Was this connection intentional? For an answer, Last Days contacted a representative from Old Navy's corporate offices in San Francisco. As of press time, our calls remain unanswered. Stay tuned.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17
Today brought a blast of tragedy to Joyce, Washington, where this morning a 13-year-old boy ventured into his eighth-grade language-arts class, took a rifle from a guitar case, and fatally shot himself in the chest. Residents of Joyce--an Olympic Peninsula town 15 miles west of Port Angeles--told the Associated Press of their "shock" over the death of the boy, described by friends and family as "popular," "well-liked," and "nice."
>>A far more hilarious suicide was attempted by a 23-year-old man in Hartland, Maine, treated at a Pittsfield hospital after trying to kill himself via self-crucifixion.
According to the Associated Press, the would-be Jesus told police he'd been "seeing pictures of God on the computer" prior to attaching a suicide note to a makeshift cross in his living room, then driving a 14-penny nail through one of his hands into the cross with a hammer. "When he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to the board, he called 911," said Lt. Pierre Boucher to the Associated Press. As the man's only crime was inadvertent comedy, no charges will be filed.
THURSDAY, MARCH 18
Speaking of the devaluation of black women: Two weeks ago, Last Days reported on the Bag Lady Bandit, the can-do local criminal wanted for a string of alleged bank robberies executed with only a paper bag (hence the nickname) and a bus pass (for at least two of her getaways, Madam Bandit rode Metro). Following the Bag Lady Bandit's arrest on March 1, Last Days expressed our anticipation for the forthcoming Lifetime movie of her exploits--but according to an anonymous Hot Tipper, we'll be "waiting the rest of [our] life, as Lifetime doesn't make movies about black women with problems, only middle-class white women with problems." Of course the Mystery Tipper is absolutely right--which only makes our anticipation of the Bag Lady Bandit's Lifetime movie all the more acute, as chances are it will star Judith Light in blackface.
FRIDAY, MARCH 19
Nothing happened today (unless you count the flagrant triumph of the Stranger Cranium Team, who tonight vanquished all competitors--including the mayor's office, the Seattle Weekly, and both dailies--at the Asian American Journalists Association's citywide Cranium tournament at Intiman Theatre).
SATURDAY, MARCH 20
The future is now, part 27: After 10 hours of deliberation, a jury of 13 Methodist pastors in Bothell voted to acquit Rev. Karen Dammann, ruling that the 47-year-old, openly gay Dammann was not guilty of practices "incompatible with Christian teaching," and restoring the good reverend's good standing within the church.
>>Also today: Thousands of concerned citizens took to the streets of Seattle, marching in protest of the Bush administration and the ongoing war in Iraq. Proceeding from First Hill through downtown to an Ed Asner-headlined rally on Pier 61, today's march was impressively peaceful, with only two reported arrests: a 24-year-old man accused of shoving a police officer, and a 57-year-old woman accused of obstructing traffic on Alaskan Way.
SUNDAY, MARCH 21
The week ends with the always-unnerving phenomenon of Biblical prophesy proving true, as a gory crucifixion was superseded by a triumphant resurrection, with Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ knocked from the top spot on the list of this weekend's highest-grossing films by Universal's remake of the hungry-zombie classic Dawn of the Dead.
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