David Schmader returns next week.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Today, rapper Kanye West sat down for an epic (for him) one-hour interview with BBC Radio 1 in which, for once, he didn't say anything even remotely crazy. JUST KIDDING! "We culture. Rap is the new rock 'n' roll," Kanye opined. "We the new rock stars, and I'm the biggest of all of them. I'm the number-one rock star on the planet." Now, before you accuse Kanye of being egotistical, he did concede, "There would be no Kanye West if it wasn't for Michael Jackson"—but right before he said that, in certain ways, he's better than Michael Jackson. "I've got to a point that Michael Jackson did not break down... I look around and I say, 'Wait a minute. There's no one around here that looks like me. And if they are, they're quiet as fuck.' So that means, wait a second—now we're seriously, like, in a civil rights movement." Soooo... we guess he's saying that thanks are in order? Well, okay! Thank you, Kanye! For the new civil rights movement. Thank you, Kanye! For being the number-one rock star in the world, and for being, in some ways, better than Michael Jackson. And thank you, Kanye! For marrying Kim Kardashian (otherwise, we might be sitting here thinking you're not full of shit). MEANWHILE... In "news of the YUCK," yesterday during a game with the New Orleans Saints, Arizona Cardinals safety Rashad Johnson took off his glove after a particularly nasty play and discovered part of his finger was still in it. EEEEEEEEEE!!! Kent Somers of the Arizona Republic reported on the gruesome accident in which Johnson lost the top of his left middle finger by twattering: "Johnson had surgery yesterday. Bone was exposed so must watch for infection." EEEEEEEEEEE!!!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 This just in: Bucktoothed-hillbilly-turned-twerking-provocateur Miley Cyrus enjoys the taste of heavily chlorinated water! Or so that's what we were led to believe after seeing her topless cover photo for Rolling Stone, which depicts her climbing out of a swimming pool and lustily licking the water from her bare shoulder. (Confidential to Miley's tongue: We've seen enough of you, dear. Climb back into your mouth.) In the accompanying article, Miley talked about her now-tedious VMA performance, the critics' reaction, and rejecting the notion that she thinks she's black (while almost simultaneously referring to Kanye West as her "homie"). In the most ridiculous portion of the interview, she accompanied the writer to a tattoo parlor, where she had the words "Rolling $tone" tattooed on the soles of her feet. "I thought about going to play laser tag," she said by way of explanation, "but laser tag sucks. And we could have gone bowling—but what are we? 90?" It should be noted that Miley also has a huge dream catcher tattooed on her side. So yes, Miley... you are 90. A 90-year-old hippie.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 It was reported today that two Thai men were arrested after pop starlet Rihanna posted an Instagram picture of herself posing with the men's pet slow loris—which is kind of an endangered species. WHOOPSIE! The men had been regularly (and illegally) charging tourists to take pictures with the protected animal, but were busted after local police—who apparently follow Rihanna with the same glee as the rest of us—posted a pic of her and the loris with the caption "Look who was talkin dirty to me!" Once again, Rihanna is the world's inadvertent hero. Now if she could only get Chris Brown incarcerated... MEANWHILE... Today, Republican senator Ted Cruz—aka the smarmiest-looking politician in the history of the world—finished a 21-hours-and-19-minutes-long filibuster against Obama's health-care plan... and then voted along with everyone else that he should shut the fuck up and continue the necessary work to prevent a government shutdown. So why did he choose to perform this filibuster in the first place? Because he is an idiot. And this is America, where increasingly idiotic things like this occur. Good day.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 In a similar story, according to In Touch magazine, 18-year-old Ashley Horn—the estranged half-sister to Lindsay Lohan—has undergone $25,000 worth of plastic surgery... in order to look more like LiLo. Now, you may be asking yourself: WHY? "My goal was to look like Lindsay in her good days, when she was around 18, 19 years old," tittered Ashley, who added, "Now I'm hotter than Lindsay! I have no problem saying that." (Translation: "Because I am an idiot. And this is America, where increasingly idiotic things like this occur. Good day.")

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 Guys, there's a brand-new social network for us to waste thousands of unproductive hours on—but don't worry about signing up, because we're already in it! Thanks to the New York Times and a few more sinister Post-it Notes from good ol' Edward Snowden, we've learned that the National Security Agency has been "exploiting its huge collections of data to create sophisticated graphs of some Americans' social connections that can identify their associates, their locations at certain times, their traveling companions, and other personal information." The Times story—which might as well be headlined "Oh God, Fox Mulder Was Right All Along"—adds that thanks to "bank codes, insurance information, Facebook profiles, passenger manifests, voter registration rolls, and GPS location information, as well as property records and unspecified tax data," the NSA has portraits of us that are "perhaps more complete and predictive of behavior than could be obtained by listening to phone conversations or reading e-mails." Well, on the upside, at least this social network doesn't fill up our feed with people's dumb pictures of their dumb kids. Sign us up!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 Speaking of dumb kids: Following a sketch in which Jimmy Kimmel made fun of Kanye West's ridiculous BBC Radio 1 appearance—by replacing Kanye with a small child—Kanye got, as Kimmel noted, "VERY, VERY ANGRY." A selection of West's hate-tweets: "JIMMY KIMMEL IS OUT OF LINE TO TRY AND SPOOF IN ANY WAY THE FIRST PIECE OF HONEST MEDIA IN YEARS." "JIMMY KIMMEL PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES... OH NO THAT MEANS YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN TOO MUCH GOOD PUSSY IN YOUR LIFE..." "YOU CAN'T PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES. YOUR FACE LOOKS CRAZY... IS THAT FUNNY?... OR IF I HAD A KID SAY IT WOULD IT BE FUNNY???" And "I LIKE YOU, YOU KNOW ME, I WENT TO YOUR FAMILY'S WEDDING." (To which Kimmel replied, "I like you too! Glad we cleared this up.") And, finally, "SARAH SILVERMAN IS A THOUSAND TIMES FUNNIER THAN YOU AND THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS IT!!!" ("I know!" Kimmel agreed. "#WreckItRalph, right?!") What can we learn from this, dears? Well, for starters, don't ever hire a child actor to play Kanye West—because there's no way he'll ever, ever act childish enough.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 This morning, House Republicans pulled a Kanye, throwing a tantrum and voting for a government shutdown to express their anger over Obamacare (which, we should note, passed back in 2010). The shutdown could result in 800,000 government employees not getting paid, suspended government services, and, if it stretches out for a while? Another recession. (We should note that Obamacare will not be affected. Sigh.) IN OTHER NEWS... Been wondering how sweet, innocent Hannah Montana turned into tongue-lolling, bottom-twerking Miley Cyrus? Wonder no more. In the MTV special Miley: The Movement, Pharrell Williams explains: "Her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus, her godmother is Dolly Parton, and she grew up in an era when kids listen to hiphop. People ask, 'Why is she twerking? Why is she doing this?' Because she's a product of America." Forget about Ted Cruz, the NSA, and the government shutdown. What Pharrell just said? That's the most horrific thing we've ever heard about America.