This week of drug-addled athletes, dramatic arraignments, and deeply damning photographs got off to an uncharacteristically inspiring start today, as a pair of male homosexuals in Madrona launched their political indignation into cyberspace with VirginiaIsForHaters.org, a snappy website devoted to denigrating the so-called "love state" for its April 23 passage of House Bill 751, which not only outlaws civil unions, but prohibits "any partnership contract or other arrangements that purport to provide the benefits of marriage." "We're getting married in Vancouver on May 15," say site creators Jay and David, "so we had plenty of other things to do at the moment. But this was such an outrage it was either do the site or have an aneurysm."
Wisely avoiding brain damage, the soon-to-be-newlyweds staked their claim on the Internet, urging fags and their friends to boycott Virginia tourism and VA-based companies--starting with the beloved-by-homos clothier J. Crew. "There's nothing particularly evil about J. Crew," admits Jay. "But they're all into being from Virginia, and now that seems kind of disgusting. With their loyal homo customers, we definitely saw them as low-hanging fruit."
--Speaking of inspired protests: Today Last Days received a bracing letter of complaint from Hot Tipper Su-Lin: "So nothing else happened on April 25 except Michael Jackson firing his attorney? Does Washington, DC ring a bell? The March for Women's Lives, one of the biggest protests EVER HELD on the mall? Shame on you for choosing to report on MJ and not even contributing a single sentence to this historic event." Dear Su-Lin: We shall never apologize for reporting on the saga of Michael Jackson, an ongoing national tragedy in which every media-imbibing citizen is both fascinated and implicated. But we were wrong to ignore the march on DC. Sorry. (After-the-fact FYI: The estrogen-heavy crowd was estimated at between 500,000 and 800,000, while police reported a mere 17 arrests--16 members of the Christian Defense Coalition charged with demonstrating without a permit, and one freelance anti-abortionist nabbed for lobbing ink-filled plastic eggs at rally signs.)
--Speaking of women's rights: Today Hot Tipper Rachel reported a flagrant abuse of such rights witnessed yesterday at the Ballard Pool. "Okay," writes Rachel, "I was in the shower when I noticed a woman shaving her bikini area. Public showers are bad enough, with people's sweat mixing on the floor, but pubic hair near my toes? I nearly barfed right there. She then proceeded to shave the rest of her legs from ankle to crotch. I hope that skank has an opportunity to read this, so she gets the message to clean up her body hair at home, or just leave it attached, and away from the general public."
--And finally, speaking of women who deserve punishment: Today the mother of that 7-month-old baby placed in state care after being repeatedly slammed to the ground by her mom's boyfriend faced charges of her own, with King County prosecutors charging 19-year-old mom Kayla Oakley with both rendering criminal assistance (for not helping cops find her boyfriend after the baby-assault) and criminal mistreatment (for not providing help for her clobbered daughter during or after the abuse).
TUESDAY, APRIL 27
Nothing happened today (unless you count the freak storm that knocked out power to more than 200,000 households and businesses in King, Snohomish, Pierce, Kitsap, and Jefferson Counties, or the media kickoff for the University of Washington's thrillingly seedy drug scandal, wherein members of the women's softball team were allegedly doped to the gills with improperly prescribed muscle relaxants and painkillers).
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 28
Speaking of scandals: Today the ongoing military action in Iraq took a hideous turn for the worse, as folks around the globe gawked in horror at photographs depicting the grotesque mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. soldiers at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison. By the time you read this, the content of these photos--smiling U.S. troops posed by a stack of naked Iraqi prisoners, some of whom were made to simulate sex acts with one another, hyuk!--will be thoroughly engrained in the world's imagination, with steps toward righting these wrongs (17 soldiers removed from duty, six facing court-martial) under way. All of which leaves us sitting here--within our sturdy national borders in a white-collar job with health insurance and little risk of ambush by enemy fire--wondering, if forcing nude Iraqis to simulate masturbation in each other's faces takes the edge off a day spent risking life and limb to fight an increasingly despicable war, who are we to judge?
THURSDAY, APRIL 29
Nothing happened today (unless you count the broadcast of the next-to-last new episode of Friends, or the reinstatement of a harassment claim brought against the show's writers by a woman who claims she was subjected to racial and sexual harassment while working as a writer's assistant on the show in 1999. The Smoking Gun specified this harassment as "sexually coarse, vulgar, and demeaning language in the workplace," allegedly including writers'-room discussions of David Schwimmer's sexual preference, Jennifer Aniston's sexual availability, and the old, dried twigs in Courteney Cox's uterus. [Seriously.] But not all the shop-talk was so stupid: The plaintiff claims several Friends writers routinely discussed their "secret dream" of turning Matt LeBlanc's Joey into a serial rapist, easily the smartest idea by Friends writers since deciding to end the series with Lisa Kudrow's Phoebe murdering all the others, then flying a plane into Central Perk. [A boy can dream.] Unfortunately, the plaintiff also alleges that these Joey-is-a-rapist rap sessions included discussion of "full scenes of how he would rape the women," so perhaps today's lawsuit is entirely in order.)
FRIDAY, APRIL 30
Speaking of celebrity justice: Today Michael Jackson appeared in Santa Barbara County Superior Court, where he was indicted on 10 criminal counts, expanded from the expected seven counts to include a dramatic, potentially devastating new charge of conspiracy, with today's grand jury indictment alleging 28 individual overt acts involving child abduction, false imprisonment, and extortion. "If he's found guilty of conspiracy, then he can be punished [for] the entire crime, even if the crime itself has not been fully proved," said USC law professor Dan Simon to the Associated Press. "So it's a powerful tool in the hands of prosecutors, because all you have to prove is an agreement was made to perform the crime." In addition, any co-conspirators--i.e., hapless Neverland employees who are just realizing that looking the other way sometimes constitutes a crime--could strike a deal with prosecutors to testify against Jackson, who has pleaded not guilty to everything forever.
--Meanwhile in Seattle: The family and friends of Mia Zapata got some terribly long-awaited closure as King County Superior Court sentenced their sister/daughter/bandmate's killer--49-year-old shitbag Jesus Mezquia--to more than 36 years in prison.
SATURDAY, MAY 1
Nothing happened today (unless you count the 20,000 reactionary dunces who gathered at Safeco Field for the anti-gay-union "Mayday for Marriage" rally, or the hundreds of others who gathered outside to voice their disagreement with what was happening inside, over whose heads flew The Stranger's airborne protest--a 100-foot banner reading "GET OUT OF OUR BALLPARK [CQ], BIGOTS!" pulled by a hired plane. Hurrah.)
SUNDAY, MAY 2
The week ends with a lot more bloodshed (with at least nine U.S. service members killed today in Iraq) and a tiny bit of good news, with the lucky escape of former hostage Thomas Hamill [CQ].
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