From the Jun 17 – Jun 23, 2004 issue

Columns

Last Days

by David Schmader

MONDAY, JUNE 7 The week kicks off with a warning from an Italian magistrate, who today spoke out against the growing threat of Anti-christ cults in Catholic Italy. Today's magistrate-warning comes in the wake of last week's discovery of a shallow grave containing the remains of Chiara Marino and Fabio Tollis, whom authorities believe were murdered as part of a Satanic ritual conducted by Tollis' bandmates in the heavy-metal group Beasts of Satan. According to Reuters, the "Italian media" has been bloodily abuzz with details of the "cocaine-fueled ritual," during which 19-year-old Chiara Marino, described in eyewitness reports as a "petite brunette," was allegedly killed under a full moon by a knife plunged into her heart, while Fabio Tollis, the Beasts' 16-year-old lead singer, was killed with a hammer blow to the head after he realized the other band members weren't kidding about killing Marino under a full moon by a knife to the heart, and tried to stop it. "It is a crime with a level of cruelty and savagery that I have never seen before in my career," said chief investigating magistrate Antonio Pizzi to Reuters. "There was a very specific ritual with very specific rites and at the end of that Chiara and Fabio were killed." Italian officials number the country's satanic-cult members at as many as 5,000 people, crediting the phenomenon to Catholicism's emphasis on Satan as the alter ego of Christ. Meanwhile, Italian police are investigating the possibility that the Beasts of Satan--all four of whom have been arrested on suspicion of murder--were "just following orders" given by an anonymous band of Satanists in their late 20s or early 30s, whom police believe may be tied to two suspicious suicides in the region. Stay tuned for more on Italy's anti-Catholic Satanic-cult problem, the boot-country's hottest export since spaghetti, or at least Fellini.

-- Speaking of satanic cults: Today Enron received another nice clobbering thanks to Maria Cantwell, who this morning called on the U.S. Justice Department to release all recorded conversations between Enron energy traders. Like most Americans, Cantwell is undoubtedly anxious to read the further adventures of "Grandma Millie," the prototypical "poor grandmother in California" verbally savaged by a pair of traders on Enron's West Coast desk, who took such memorable relish in the power they'd "jammed up her ass for fucking $250 a megawatt hour." Unlike most Americans, Senator Cantwell is in a position to do something about it, today calling on the Justice Department to pay for the transcription of the remaining Enron tapes, which Cantwell characterized as possible evidence of manipulation and the intent of Enron employees.

TUESDAY, JUNE 8 Today brought another heroic bust, recounted via Hot Tip from an attentive friend of Sarah, a barista working at Lowell's in Pike Place Market when she noticed a "strange grease ball of a guy" lurking around the front of the restaurant. Further investigation led Sarah to surmise that the man was "using a video camera in a bag with a hole cut out to film up girls' skirts while they bought produce at the stand across the arcade." With admirable conscientiousness and civic bravery, Sarah confirmed her suspicions by stalking the bag-wielding bastard through the market; as the freak continued to film, Sarah flagged down a security guard, to whom she recounted her findings. As Sarah's nameless press agent reports, "The perv was apprehended, and the recent law covering this fetish means said perv will be seeing the judge on a felony! Yay, Sarah!"

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 9 Speaking of yay: Today brought news of the first tangible benefit of the PATRIOT Act--skyrocketing enrollment in the ACLU. According to today's Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the American Civil Liberties Union--a network of lawyers and organizers dedicated to "bare-knuckle defense of the Bill of Rights"--is experiencing a post-PATRIOT Act boom that's leaving previous membership spikes (post-McCarthy hearings and -Watergate scandal) in the dust. Not only is membership at an all-time high--with more than 400,000 dues-payers nationwide--no state has spiked higher than Washington, whose membership jumped from 10,000 to nearly 20,000 members between 2001 and 2004. Even better, the ACLU attributes the national spike almost entirely to PATRIOT Act backlash. "People really feel that their rights are under fire," said Doug Honig, a spokesperson for the Washington chapter, to the P-I. "So for us, these are the worst, but also the best, of times."

THURSDAY, JUNE 10 Speaking of Washington: Today brought some serious news for the state's many casually intoxicated drivers, as Substitute House Bill 2660 went into effect, requiring all who drive with temporary restricted licenses after a DUI conviction to install breathalyzer-activated ignition-interlock devices in their vehicles. For years, breathalyzer interlocks have been last-ditch maneuvers against career drunk drivers; from this day forward, such ignition interlocks--whose installation costs between $50 and $80, with user fees of $60 a month--will be mandatory for anyone granted a post-DUI-conviction "occupational license," which allows busted drunks to drive to school, work, treatment, and other crucial errands. This is serious. When in doubt, call a cab.

-- Meanwhile in California: Ray Charles capped a triumphant career of peerless musical artistry by dying at exactly the right time, expiring this morning of liver disease at age 73 and banishing the image of Reagan's face and/or Nancy mashing with his coffin to the lower half of the front page of every daily paper worth its ink.

FRIDAY, JUNE 11 Nothing happened today.

SATURDAY, JUNE 12 Today brought an eye-opening Hot Tip from Ayesha, a Seattle native teaching in "very rural China." Walking home after swimming on this "particularly bucolic afternoon--dragonflies, rice paddies, breeze, etc."--Ayesha's attention was caught by what sounded like "some small animal squealing in terror." As she rounded the corner, she saw the source: a very calm old man squatting on his heels with a massive primitive blowtorch, with which he was placidly roasting a live puppy. "My only comfort is that the man was not doing this out of any sick pleasure but because in the end he and his family will, in fact, eat it," writes Ayesha. "I sincerely apologize for having submitted this to your column but maybe you can use this in a spot about particularly horrifying things."

SUNDAY, JUNE 13 The week ends with a pair of horrifying sightings worthy of Ayesha herself. Horrifying sighting #1 comes from Hot Tipper George, who was waiting at the drive-thru of the Mukilteo Speedway McDonald's when he saw a McDonald's employee sitting on the curb by the front entrance, "apparently fussing with her necklace"; upon closer inspection, George realized the young woman was "actually popping acne on her chest." Horrifying sighting #2 comes from Hot Tipper Denise, who was strolling with her 11-year-old daughter near the intersection of Third Avenue and Lenora Street when they were assaulted by the sight of an abandoned pair of men's underwear, which the fearless mother-daughter detectives report contained "six to seven turds of human poop and a ball of crumpled toilet paper with poop smeared on it." Thanks to all involved in today's sightings, particularly Denise and her daughter, the first Hot Tippers in history to bother counting the turds.

Mark Webb: I found it! Everyone else, send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.