MONDAY, DECEMBER 30 This week of unconscious cops, extinguished horror, and meaty Arabian rain kicks off with some noteworthy chaperoning in Florida, where an adult couple is in hot water after allegedly forcing a teenage relative to get wasted. "Under the care of Rusty and Kim Johnson, the victim, a relative of the couple, was made to witness and participate in smoking marijuana and drinking beer, according to arrest documents," reports Orlando's WKMG News. "Rockledge police say the Johnsons also allowed the victim to drive, without a license, while under the influence of the drugs." After two days of allegedly being forced to party and drive around wasted against his will, the teen sought help from another family member, who contacted the Rockledge Police Department. After the teen tested positive for both pot and alcohol, police arrested Rusty and Kim Johnson on charges of child abuse.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31 Speaking of alleged drugging and driving, the week continues in nearby Newcastle, where this evening an on-duty King County Sheriff's Office deputy appeared to be passed out behind the wheel of his patrol car in a Starbucks parking lot. "According to Sgt. Cindi West, a person called 911 to report a deputy was hunched over the steering wheel of his parked, fully-marked patrol vehicle," reports KIRO. "Authorities arrived at the scene and woke up the 46-year-old deputy. They saw signs of impairment, but alcohol was not suspected. After an investigation, the deputy was [suspected of being] under the influence of some sort of drug, possibly a narcotic. He was booked into the King County Jail for physical control of a motor vehicle, which is the legal equivalent of driving under the influence when no driving is observed."

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1 Happy New Year! In much worse news, the week continues at Neighbours, the Seattle nightclub that's reigned as the city's biggest gay bar since before any of us were born. Typically a site of great gay merriment, this morning Neighbours almost became ground zero for a tragedy when just after midnight, someone poured gasoline on the bar's carpeted stairway and lit it on fire. "The bar in the 1500 block of Broadway was occupied by over 750 patrons celebrating New Year's Eve at the time," reports the SPD Blotter. "The fire was quickly discovered before it could spread beyond the stairway and was extinguished with a fire extinguisher... An orderly evacuation was accomplished and no one was injured." Nevertheless, holy fuck, and thank God for the fast-acting military men who sprang into action to extinguish the flames. "I'm embarrassed to say, my first move was to go after [the fire] with cups of water," said US Army Staff Sergeant Christopher Bostick, an army intelligence veteran who's served in Iraq and Afghanistan, to KIRO. "Then I quickly realized, this fire is way bigger than that." With help from his air force buddy Mike Casey and a fire extinguisher, Bostick managed to douse the flames before the fire got out of control and likely saved many, many lives. "You know, in 30 seconds, if that fire did what the arsonist intended, there's no telling how many people could have died," said Bostick to KIRO. "This was a planned attack on a large quantity of people in order to affect an entire community. To me, that's terrorism." The search for the suspect continues. If you saw anything suspicious in or around Neighbours on New Year's Eve, call the SPD tip line at 684-8980.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2 In better news, the week continues with the New York Times, which today voiced its support for granting clemency or a plea deal to NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden. "Considering the enormous value of the information he has revealed, and the abuses he has exposed, Mr. Snowden deserves better than a life of permanent exile, fear, and flight," writes the Times editorial board. "He may have committed a crime to do so, but he has done his country a great service... In retrospect, Mr. Snowden was clearly justified in believing that the only way to blow the whistle on this kind of intelligence-gathering was to expose it to the public and let the resulting furor do the work his superiors would not." Thank you, New York Times and Edward Snowden.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 3 In worse news, the week continues in Florida, where today a man was arrested at a Papa John's pizzeria after allegedly having multiple sexual encounters with his roommate's dog. Details come from Florida Today, which identifies our subject as 22-year old Palm Bay man and Papa John's employee Joshua Werbicki, and his alleged victim as his roommate's German shepherd. "Police say the sexual acts were recorded by in-home surveillance cameras," reports FT. "Werbicki was arrested and booked on charges of cruelty to animals and sexual acts involving animals."

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4 Nothing happened today, unless you count the history-making, humanity-imperiling cold weather battering parts of the country. "This brutal cold will bring danger to millions from the northern Plains to the Midwest and down into the Tennessee Valley," reports meteorologist Brian Lada at Accuweather.com. "Overnight lows are forecast to dip well below the zero-degree mark in these areas, even dropping to 30 below zero in parts of Minnesota and North Dakota."

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5 Nothing happened today, unless you count the human body parts that rained down on the Saudi Arabian city of Jeddah, which police suggested could be the remains of someone trapped in an aircraft's undercarriage bay. "In a desperate attempt to cross borders, some people at poorly monitored airports climb inside the bays housing aircraft landing gear," reports Agence France Presse. "Most of them freeze to death once the aircraft reaches cruising altitude, but some survive."

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