MONDAY, JANUARY 13 This week of felony eggings, million-dollar enemas, and glorious football triumph kicks off with some deadly bullshit in Florida. Our setting: the Cobb Grove 16 theater in the town of Wesley Chapel, where a couple dozen people had bought tickets to an early afternoon screening of the Mark Wahlberg war drama Lone Survivor. Among the attendees: 71-year-old Curtis Reeves, a retired Tampa police officer who "became annoyed when a couple sitting in front of him were texting during the movie's previews," reports ABC News. So began a tussle that saw Curtis Reeves repeatedly ask Chad and Nichole Oulson to stop their mid-preview texting, instigating an argument that ended when Reeves allegedly pulled out a .380 semiautomatic handgun and fatally shot Chad Oulson in the chest. Also wounded: Nichole Oulson, who reportedly tried to protect her husband and wound up nonfatally shot in the hand. After being arrested at the scene of the shooting, Reeves was charged with second-degree murder and ordered held without bond. For his part, Reeves claims he "was in fear of being attacked," leading some to wonder if he'll attempt to invoke Florida's notorious "Stand Your Ground" defense. As law professor Kenneth B. Nunn told ABC, "The defendant's statements to police is information that could be used to establish self-defense, but part of self-defense requires you to retreat if you can do so in complete safety." Nunn's concerns were expanded upon by law professor Bob Dekle. "It's not whether or not you're in fear," said Dekle to ABC. "If the standard about shooting were fear, that would give cowards carte blanche. The question is was there reasonable fear, was the fear reasonable?" Condolences to all, especially Nichole Oulson and her now-fatherless 22-month-old daughter, but also Curtis Reeves, whose trusty handgun turned him from a respected retired public servant into a scared old man charged with murder.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14 In stupider news, the week continues with Justin Bieber, the Canadian teen pop star who shot to stardom with catchy songs and crowd-pleasing charm before devoting 2013 to making everyone hate him. (Among the highlights of Bieber's year of international douchebaggery: disrespecting the memory of Anne Frank, public tussles with paparazzi, countless instances of public shirtlessness, and non-regulation transportation of a monkey.) Which brings us to today, when Bieber was investigated by police for felony egg-throwing. At the center of the investigation: an episode from last Thursday, when the home of Bieber's neighbor was pelted with eggs, causing approximately $20,000 worth of damage. "The cost of repairing the damage to the house is a key factor in determining the severity of the charge," reports CNN. "Any damage of more than $950 would qualify the charge as a felony." And so came today's visit from search-warrant-wielding investigators with the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department. "The purpose of the search warrant is to seek video surveillance or other possible evidence in the vandalism that occurred on January 9, 2014," said sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore at a press conference. "Detectives will spend the next days scouring through the video for clues about who hurled eggs toward the neighboring mansion last week," reports CNN.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15 In less stupid news, the week continues in New Mexico, where a man will receive a $1.6 million settlement after being recklessly anally probed by cops. As the ABA Journal reports, the saga commenced on January 2, when driver David Eckert was pulled over for a minor traffic infraction, then subjected to a protracted anal exam involving three enemas and a colonoscopy, none of which turned up any evidence. Fueling the investigators' raid of Eckert's anus: "a police dog's alert to the alleged presence of drugs near the driver's seat of his vehicle and a claim that Eckert appeared to be clenching his buttocks," reports the ABA. Armed with this evidence, cops got a rectal search warrant, but even that gets twisty: "The city of Deming and Hidalgo County got a search warrant to authorize the examination of David Eckert," reports the ABA. "However, the warrant was valid only in Luna County, and a physician at a Deming emergency room refused to perform the examination, Eckert alleges in his suit... Doctors at a second hospital, Gila Regional Medical Center, agreed to perform the exam, but the facility is located in Silver City, across the county line." The end result of all this creepy cavity-searching and suspect-shuffling: the $1.6 million settlement for Eckert, to be co-paid by the city of Deming and Hidalgo County.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16 The week continues in Ohio, where today Dennis McGuire—the man convicted of the 1989 rape and murder of Joy Stewart, a 22-year-old woman who was seven months pregnant—was executed by the state. It was, by all accounts, incriminatingly gruesome. "Dennis McGuire, 53, was put to death using an untested two-drug protocol involving the sedative midazolam and painkiller hydromorphone," reports the Guardian. "Last week an expert witness for the defence, David Waisel, a professor of anaesthesia at Harvard medical school, told an Ohio court that the use of midazolam was inappropriate in an execution and that, in employing it, the state ran the risk of the inmate being conscious for up to five minutes while suffering through the sensation that he was suffocating. Eyewitness accounts of McGuire's death appear to correlate with Waisel's prediction." Tomorrow, McGuire's son will hold a press conference to describe what he saw at his father's execution. "The agony and terror of watching my dad suffocate to death lasted more than 19 minutes. I can't think of any other way to describe it other than torture." The McGuire family is preparing a federal lawsuit that seeks to halt all executions in Ohio on grounds that they violate Eighth Amendment protections against cruel and unusual punishment. Stay tuned.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17 In much less bad but still awful news, the week continues in West Seattle, where tonight a young girl's birthday slumber party suddenly became the site of a near-tragedy after a party guest who was jumping on the bed fell out a third-story window. "We were jumping on the bed and I guess the way she jumped made her fall, and then she tripped and fell out of the window," said party host Destiny Faiston to, which will also share the good news that the victim's condition will be upgraded from life-threatening to serious tomorrow afternoon. Best wishes for a full recovery, unlucky bed-jumper. Seriously.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 24-hour pre-freak-out for tomorrow.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 19 Nothing happened today, unless you count how the Seahawks beat the 49ers to win a spot at the Super Bowl, making the vast majority of this city extremely happy and very hungover.

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