From the Aug 5 – Aug 11, 2004 issue

Columns

Last Days

by David Schmader

MONDAY, JULY 26 The week began with a burst of existential amazement, as two men in Shoreline were accused of succumbing to the siren songs of God's most sexually irresistible creatures: elderly women with dementia in assisted-living facilities. The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports that two Shoreline caregivers--64-year-old Leopoldo Bernardez and 49-year-old Benny Laoh--were today charged with "indecent liberties" following allegations of sexual contact with "vulnerable elderly residents" at two Shoreline homes. Mr. Bernardez has been accused of messing with a pair of residents at the Shoreline facility Aegis, where King County prosecutors say he was caught having sex with an 86-year-old female resident on June 20; Bernardez is also accused of groping another resident, an 80-year-old woman who, like his first target, suffers from dementia. Fortunately, Aegis met the allegations with immediate ass kicking, firing both Leopoldo Bernardez and the worker who reported witnessing the incident, with Aegis deeming the worker's several-day delay in reporting the incident to be cause for dismissal. Meanwhile, Benny Laoh, a caregiver at Shoreline's Crista Senior Community, faces separate charges of indecent libertinism, following an alleged incident last Wednesday, when a Crista Community supervisor claims to have walked in on Laoh having sex with a 94-year-old Alzheimer's patient (who was erotically sobbing, the minx). Which brings us to the question: What the fuck is going on in Shoreline? If the allegations are true, apparently, one can't enter a room in that town without finding a licensed caregiver raping an elderly invalid--a problem King County detectives, in cooperation with Aegis and Crista officials, continue to investigate, with an eye on other possible victims of Bernardez and Laoh, who'll answer their sick-fuck charges in King County Superior Court on August 4.

--Meanwhile: As all eyes turned to Boston for Day One of the Democratic National Convention, the Dems' would-be First Lady drew a stupidly inordinate amount of press attention for abruptly instructing an annoying reporter to "Shove it." The dis heard 'round the world quickly made John Kerry's better half a villain to some (to whom her sass portended a post-Hillary bitch-goddess of epic proportions and creepy Euro-German descent) and a hero to others (to whom her succinct eloquence was a breath of fresh air if not a distinct turn-on). But for one heterosexual couple in Montlake, Teresa Heinz Kerry's electrifying phrase was a kick in the face. "For the past year, my girlfriend and I have been telling each other to shove it," says Hot Tipper Tim. "Last week we talked about taking it to the masses, getting everyone to reclaim 'shove it.' Then Teresa Heinz Kerry comes out and ruins it." Couldn't Tim and his girlfriend continue with their plan to popularize "shove it"? "No," says Tim. "We'd look like copycats. It's over, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her."

TUESDAY, JULY 27 Reason to live #463: Today Michael Jackson's defense team appeared in Santa Barbara County Superior Court, presenting a motion to dismiss or delay Jackson's criminal trial for at least six months. But as E! Online reports, prosecutors used the proceedings to drop bombshell details of their case. According to Deputy District Attorney Gordon Auchincloss, ABC's airing of Living with Michael Jackson--Martin Bashir's documentary featuring extensive footage of Jackson doting on the 13-year-old sleepover buddy/cancer victim who'd soon be the center of his second major molestation investigation--sent Jackson into a panic. (Join the club.) Jackson circled the wagons with force, allegedly keeping the boy and his family out of the public eye and away from investigators by imprisoning them on a private jet bound for "luxury destinations"--a claim Jackson lawyer Thomas Mesereau dismissed as "absurd on its face." Whatever the truth may be, we won't get a jury's opinion until next year, as Judge Melville agreed to bump Jacko's trial start date to January 31, 2005.

--Meanwhile in Seattle: 2004's most controversial rock star--Linda Ronstadt--performed at Summer Nights at the Pier, where she again dedicated "Desperado" to the "fine American patriot" Michael Moore. Unlike the recent Las Vegas audience that responded to Ronstadt's dedication as if she'd raped a baby in blackface, the Seattle crowd met the tribute with what the Seattle Times described as "many cheers" and "a few boos."

WEDNESDAY, JULY 28< Nothing happened today (unless you count Iraq's deadliest day since the June handover, with a car bomb killing at least 68 people and wounding more than 50 others outside a Baqouba police station).

THURSDAY, JULY 29 As readers are likely aware, when not writing this column, Last Days occasionally hosts annotated screenings of Paul Verhoeven's legendary disaster Showgirls. This week MGM released their special edition Showgirls DVD featuring a commentary track by yours truly, and today brought the following fascinating letter from GinaGFan2002 (sic throughout): "I am appauled, disgusted, ENRAGED, and LONG TO PUNISH YOU. You have gotten recognition for bashing an artistic masterpiece, and MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIE. A movie that was a comforter during my difficult childhood. A movie that I have worshiped since the age of 12. A Movie that I identify with in every way. When I have enough power, GETTING RID OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU IS MY FIRST PRIORITY. I hear that you continuously attack 'Elizabeth Berkley' and mock her dancing. Elizabeth danced AMAZING in that film and anyone who understands the whole concept of dance would agree. Elizabeth Berkley's justice will be served one day." Dear GinaGFan2002: Thanks for your letter, which answered a question I've carried for years: Did anyone on earth enjoy Showgirls as director Paul Verhoeven intended? Obviously, you did, and I'd be honored to someday view the movie (minus the rape scene) with you. Unfortunately, your letter--which you thoughtfully e-mailed 275 times--suggests the possibility of your being a knife-wielding psycho. Listen: If you grew up viewing Showgirls as a guide to a successful adult life, you're on a one-way track to becoming either a psychiatric in-patient or a convicted felon. Please choose the former, and get help. (And when you're better, call me. Bye, darlin'.)

--Also, happy belated birthday to the beautiful and talented Elizabeth Berkley, who turned 32 yesterday .

FRIDAY, JULY 30 Nothing happened today (unless you count Jason at Neumo's e-mail reporting how the club is actively combating the atmospheric shortcomings decried by a clutch of I, Anonymous writers last week. Besides repairing the existing fan system, owners are taking bids on AC installation. "So my guess is AC will hit Neumo's before next summer," writes Jason. Thanks for the update).

SATURDAY, JULY 31 Nothing happened today (unless you count the annual report of the Federation of Animal Care and Control Agencies, which made clear that cabbies aren't the only ones killing cats--in 2003, euthanasia claimed a reported 38,284 Washington cats).

SUNDAY, AUGUST 1 Nothing happened today (unless you count the seven fires that erupted in North Seattle neighborhoods between 11:57 last night and 5:52 this morning).

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