MONDAY, MARCH 10 Hello! This week of klutzy bombers, community heroes, and tragic horror in Texas kicks off at the trivial intersection of real estate and amateur porn, thanks to the New Jersey real-estate agents who allegedly enjoyed having sex together in a house they were supposed to be selling—until the security-camera footage allegedly catching the agents in fucktastic action surfaced. Details come from the Daily Mail, which identifies the agents as Robert Lindsay and Jeannemarie Phelan of the Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage. "According to [homeowner Richard] Weiner, his home security cameras recorded Phelan and Lindsay having sex at least 10 times—including on his marital bed," reports the Daily Mail. "[Weiner also] claims the agents listed his home above market value so that they could use the house for their lurid affair." Now Richard Wiener is busy with lawsuits, seeking compensatory damages from Lindsay and Phelan for invasion of privacy, infliction of emotional distress, breach of contract, and trespassing, and he is suing the Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage for violating the realtor code of ethics. The sexy real-estate agents have been relieved of their duties by both Richard Weiner and Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage.
TUESDAY, MARCH 11 In worse news, the week continues in Oklahoma, where tonight a 2-year-old in Tulsa fatally shot himself. "Officers responded just before 9 p.m. to a home for what investigators say was the 'accidental discharge' of a handgun," reports KJRH 2 News. "The toddler was transported to an area hospital with a gunshot wound in the upper torso... the boy did not survive his injuries." No arrests have been made in connection with the accidentally suicidal 2-year-old. (Viva the Second Amendment and/or "Talk about the 'terrible twos'!!!!!")
•• Meanwhile in Florida, a 15-year-old boy in Santa Rosa Beach was arrested today after allegedly spiking his teacher's Diet Coke with hand sanitizer. "South Walton High School officials [said] the boy is a prankster who didn't intend for the teacher to get sick," reports the Associated Press. "In addition to his arrest, the teen has been suspended from school and faces an expulsion hearing." The teacher is fine.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12 In much, much, much better news, the week continues on Seattle's Capitol Hill, where tonight a couple dozen people gathered in Dr. Jen's House of Beauty on East Pike Street for "the first meeting to resurrect the once prominent citizen safety brigade Q Patrol aimed at preventing gay-bashings and violence in Seattle's gay neighborhoods," as Bryan Cohen reports on Capitol Hill Seattle Blog. "The group has also adopted a new name: OutWatch." As longtime Capitol Hill residents will remember, the original Q Patrol formed in 1991 to combat gay bashings in the dark days before Ellen, Glee, and majority support for marriage equality. Bedecked with their signature berets and self-defense training, Q Patrol roamed the nighttime streets as a physical deterrent to antigay violence and a visual reminder that Capitol Hill won't put up with homophobic bullshit, and the resurrection of the group as OutWatch couldn't come at a better time. "Dr. Jen's owner Jennifer Dietrich [says] she decided to organize the meeting after a spate of violent attacks in the neighborhood, including a rape and an assault of a drag performer," reports CHS. "Dietrich said she hopes to have patrols rolled out as early as next week, using Dr. Jen's as a home base. The plan is for members to walk Capitol Hill beats from 10 p.m. to 3 a.m. in groups of four, wear OutWatch shirts, and carry mace. Dietrich said she wants all members to receive some self-defense training, but that having a public presence will be the most important deterrent to would-be criminals." Humongous thanks to Jennifer Dietrich for getting the ball rolling. Those interested in helping OutWatch can stop by or call Dr. Jen's House of Beauty, 617 E Pike St, 707-3037.
THURSDAY, MARCH 13 In much, much worse news, the week continues in Austin, Texas, where early this morning a suspected drunk driver plowed through a crowd of revelers at the South by Southwest music festival, fatally injuring three people, injuring nearly two dozen others, and horrifying the entire nation. Details come from the Houston Chronicle, which identifies the suspect as 21-year-old Rashad Owens of Killeen, Texas. "According to reports, Owens fled from police after an attempted traffic stop at a gas station about three blocks from where the crowd was standing outside a music venue," reports the Chronicle. "Legendary California-based punk rock band X was playing inside the Mohawk at the time of the incident, and the club was filled to capacity." After Owens allegedly rammed his car through a police barricade and into the crowd, he attempted to flee on foot, until cops stopped him with a stun gun and took him into custody. Tomorrow, Owens will be charged with 23 counts of aggravated assault with a vehicle and two counts of capital murder, for which he could receive the death penalty. Condolences to all.
FRIDAY, MARCH 14 Nothing happened today, unless you count the pantsless Seattle man who was arrested this morning after allegedly kicking in the door of a Yesler Terrace apartment in search of a coat that he was already wearing. (Thank you, Seattlepi.com.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 15 Meanwhile in Somalia, a would-be car bomber was attempting to park his explosives-packed vehicle near a hotel in Mogadishu when the explosives prematurely detonated, wounding no one but the driver, who was fatally blown to bits.
SUNDAY, MARCH 16 Nothing happened today (including the finding of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370).