MONDAY, MARCH 31 This week of actionable pranks, desperate chefs, and all-American gun violence kicks off right here in Seattle, where early this morning a trio of robbers tunneled through the wall of a University District shoe store and made off with thousands of dollars in merchandise. Details come from KIRO, which identifies the unlucky store as Recess, the stylish shoe mini-emporium located at the north end of University Way and blessed with several flattering Yelp reviews. "The owner of Recess shoe store said the men broke into the key box for the apartment building next door," reports KIRO. "They used the master key to get inside the apartment building then cut through the drywall to access the shoe store. Surveillance video shows the men came back three times...Their last visit tripped the alarm." In addition to stealing thousands of dollars' worth of shoes (many of them collector's items), the burglars' busting of the apartment-building key box required the re-keying of the whole building. Cops are scouring the store's surveillance footage for clues to the doofuses' identities. In the meantime, be on the lookout for people with awesome shoes and no moral center.
TUESDAY, APRIL 1 The week continues with April Fools' Day, the annual secular holiday wherein people feel free to tell big stupid lies without fear of being punched in the face. Joking about school shootings, however, is another matter, as learned today by a woman in Spartanburg, South Carolina, who decided to liven up her day of work at Virginia College by allegedly texting her daughter about "gun shots being fired inside the school," that had forced her into "hiding for her own safety." Details come from the Smoking Gun: "According to cops, Angela Timmons this morning sent the message to her daughter April, who was in New York. When her mother did not respond back to her reply messages, April, 34, called 911 to report the incident." Deputies raced to the scene, fearing a bloodbath and finding only a 54-year-old woman, who claimed that she "sent the text as an April Fools joke and that she has done such jokes on April Fools in the past." Timmons was arrested and booked into the county jail on charges of aggravated breach of peace and disturbing a school.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2 In worse news, the week continues in Killeen, Texas, where today Spc. Ivan Lopez—described by CNN as a "34-year-old Iraq war veteran with a history of depression and anxiety"—went on a deadly shooting rampage at Fort Hood, aka the same place where an officer went on a deadly shooting rampage in 2009. Today, Lopez used a .45 caliber handgun to kill three people and wound 16 others before fatally shooting himself. "Before Wednesday's shooting, Lopez stopped at the post's personnel office to pick up a leave form," reports CNN. "The soldier was told he would have to come back later." And so he did, with a gun purchased from the same shop that armed the 2009 shooter. "It is stupid to me that anyone can have easy access to a powerful weapon without being mentally evaluated," wrote Lopez on his Facebook wall in the weeks before today's rampage, venting his outrage at Adam Lanza's school shooting in Connecticut. "This makes the government indirect accomplice... These bastards have perfected their way of attacking studying previous massacres to gain publicity and their minute of fame as a villain." Condolences to all.
THURSDAY, APRIL 3 The week continues with the baffling and heartbreaking saga of Cody Spafford, the 26-year-old sous chef at Seattle's the Walrus and the Carpenter restaurant, who today used a pellet gun to rob a Madison Valley bank, leading cops on a search that ended after Spafford allegedly charged an officer with a knife and was fatally shot. For the full, or at least fuller, story, see page 9.
•• Also today: After widespread discussion of the $1,000 donation he made to support Proposition 8, the ballot initiative that successfully sought to revoke same-sex marriage rights in California in 2008, today Brendan Eich stepped down as Mozilla CEO, instigating a kaleidoscopic shitstorm that will be parsed and reviewed for decades. On one side: those who claim that losing a job over a political donation is a violation of free speech. On another side: those who claim free speech isn't free from consequences, and point to Eich's resignation as the pro-equality marketplace at work. On various other sides are those fussing over particulars: how a CEO losing his job over controversial political views is different from, say, a mail carrier losing his job over controversial political views (thanks to the spokesmodelism of the CEO's post), and how such line-in-the-sand punitive measures can make seekers of equality seem as small-minded and spiritually parsimonious as those who oppose such equality. Last Days' take: The new CEO of Mozilla gave money to fight marriage equality in 2008, but the CEO of this country didn't support marriage equality until 2012. Now that gay equality is an impending fact, it's important to make room for individual humans to catch up with the sudden progress, not punish them for failing to adhere to a largely arbitrary, emotionally driven timetable.
FRIDAY, APRIL 4 The week continues with a question for the ages, asked today by the Ann Arbor News: "Who has been defecating on children's slides in Ypsilanti's Prospect Park for the past five to six months?" Details come from the Ann Arbor News, which reports the "mystery pooper" has so regularly soiled the slides that police have installed a hidden camera aimed at catching them in the act. "We have a problem in Prospect Park with a miscreant that does not understand the difference between a children's playground slide and a toilet," wrote Ypsilanti police chief Tony DeGiusti in an e-mail to officers in January. "Apparently this extremely misguided individual feels the need to defecate on the slide despite the cold weather. This has been an ongoing problem at this location. Please make frequent checks in the area and record them on your daily log." The jokes write themselves. Good luck, Ypsilanti.
SATURDAY, APRIL 5 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 11-year-old Philadelphia girl who was allegedly fatally shot by her 2-year-old brother. "Eleven-year-old Jamara Stevens was killed when she and her three siblings were playing with a .357 caliber handgun with an 8-inch barrel in their home just before 10 a.m.," reports WCAU. "Police say the 2-year-old pointed the gun in the direction of his sister and pulled the trigger. Police believe the mother's boyfriend had brought the gun to the house earlier that day and placed it on top of the refrigerator. Police say they do not know how the gun ended up in the bedroom."
SUNDAY, APRIL 6 Nothing happened today, either, unless you count the 47-year-old man who was fatally shot in downtown Seattle. "Witnesses told police after 2 a.m., two men were fighting at Fifth Avenue and Olive Way," reports KIRO. "Then they said one of them pulled out a gun and shot the other man. When police arrived, they found a 47-year-old man dead at the scene."