MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 The week got off to a horrendous start today with a video posted on an Islamic website depicting the beheading of American Eugene Armstrong, one of three civil engineers abducted by Islamic militants last week in Baghdad. Claiming responsibility for the slaying was the militant group led by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, which immediately threatened to kill another hostage--either American Jack Hensley or Briton Kenneth Bigley--within 24 hours if the group's demands for the release of all female Iraqi prisoners detained by the U.S. military weren't met. They weren't kidding, tomorrow will bring footage of the beheading of Jack Hensley, accompanied by a recorded voice threatening the third and final hostage: "Kenneth Bigley will meet the same fate if the British government does not do what must be done to release him." While Bigley's family made desperate appeals to Tony Blair to meet kidnappers' demands, the United States remains aloof, denouncing the beheadings and offering $25 million for information leading to the capture of ringmaster al-Zarqawi. (As of press time, al-Zarqawi remains at large and Kenneth Bigley remains alive.)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 As President Bush stood before the United Nations General Assembly to deliver a swaggering defense of his decision to invade Iraq, attorneys from the U.S. Justice Department stood before a federal court to deliver opening arguments in the biggest and most ambitious racketeering case in history, as the $280 billion lawsuit against the U.S. tobacco industry finally went to trial. "This case is about a 50-year pattern of misrepresentation, half-truths, and lies by the defendants that continues to this day," said U.S. Justice Department attorney Frank Marine. Drawing upon a wealth of potentially damning industry documents, the government said it would prove the tobacco industry constructed a huge public-relations operation to confuse the public about tobacco's addictive and carcinogenic properties, in addition to manipulating nicotine levels, marketing to teenagers, and suppressing and destroying potentially incriminating documents and research. To offset this landslide of wrongs, the Justice Department wants the tobacco industry to give up $280 billion worth of past profits--a penalty cigarette makers say would put them out of business. Denying the government's allegations, attorneys for Big Tobacco claimed things have changed drastically since the landmark settlement of 1998 (which severely restricted marketing practices) and stressed that alleged misconduct in the past doesn't mean companies are likely to commit fraud in the future. "Cigarettes are not sold the way they were sold in the past," said Philip Morris attorney William Ohlemeyer to Reuters. The trial is expected to last about six months and feature more than 100 witnesses.

-- Also today: 56-year-old Yusuf Islam--formerly known as folkie hit maker Cat Stevens-- was escorted off a plane and denied access to the United States after his name appeared on the Transportation Security Administration's "no-fly" watch list. Last Days imagines there must be some injustice in today's deportation, but considering Islam/Steven's vocal support of the fatwa against Salman Rushdie, we can't get too worked up about it.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 The week continues with two news stories involving poop. The first comes from glorious Seattle, where 23-year-old Jerry Richardson was charged today with felony malicious mischief after allegedly smearing fecal matter over an assortment of fruits and vegetables at a Bellevue Safeway. Readers will recall the soiled saga from last Sunday--the night prosecutors say Richardson approached a Safeway employee and whispered, "Hey, your produce section is dirty." According to the play-by-play in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the employee then asked for clarification, to which Richardson allegedly replied, "Someone needs to clean up the produce area, it smells like [feces]," leading the unlucky produce manager to discover the human poo smeared on the store's broccoli, avocados, apples, cantaloupe, and tomatoes. In his post-arrest police interview, Richardson denied all charges, while Safeway execs estimated the damage at between $30,000 and $40,000. Meanwhile in Texas: A first-grade teacher in Dallas has been placed on paid administrative leave after sending a 6-year-old student home with feces in his backpack. For what it's worth, it was the kid's own poo, which the Associated Press reports had been accidentally deposited on the classroom floor at Gabe P. Allen Elementary School. "It generally appears the teacher was trying to help raise awareness with the family," said school spokesman Donald Claxton of the unidentified teacher's decision to place saran-wrapped feces along with a note in the boy's backpack. "Unfortunately, she took this course of action."

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Today brought a thoroughly upsetting story from the Associated Press about the 11-year-old boy in Milwaukee charged yesterday with sexual assault after allegedly raping a 76-year-old woman while three of his friends stood watch. According to police reports, the woman was taking a sponge bath in her kitchen when the 11-year-old boy walked in and demanded money, then ordered her to take off her clothes and go into the bedroom. The elderly woman said the 11-year-old put on a condom and tried to rape her. In addition to sexual assault, the 11-year-old boy has been charged with criminal trespassing and being a party to burglary. The three boy witnesses--ages 11, 12, and 13--face charges of trespassing and being a party to burglary. Last Days is glad safe-sex messages are reaching even our youngest citizens. However, the idea of an 11-year-old stopping to put on a condom before allegedly raping an elderly neighbor makes us pray for the apocalypse.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 Nothing happened today, unless you count the delivery of cakes to this year's Stranger Genius Award winners. Or the heaven-on-earth dreaminess engendered by Teatro ZinZanni's new ad campaign, wherein a city's worth of Metro buses are adorned with larger-than-life glossy approximations of improv/ drag mastermind Kevin Kent. Speaking of visual delight: Some preexisting graffiti near the corner of Howell Street and 11th Avenue had been gussied up with a wonderful dose of pink. Dear who ever did it: Thank you, for it is gorgeous.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 As if to shut the mouth of every lucid pothead who's ever sworn to the drug's fundamental mellowness, today Reuters reported on the man in the southern African town of Malawi who police believe used an ax to murder and behead two women while under the influence of marijuana. According to police reports, the twentysomething man allegedly beheaded a 52-year-old woman and her 68-year-old friend after "overdosing" on pot. Police found marijuana and the "stench from recently smoked hemp" in the suspect's home (whose walls, Last Days regrets to inform you, bore quotations from famous reggae songs). Police have launched a manhunt for the killer, who "fled into the bush" after the attacks. Stay tuned for any and all details on the ax-wielding, reggae-loving, pothead killer, a creature of such unlikely evil he could've been cross-hatched by the CIA, the PTA, and whoever writes those cartoon Chick tracts.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 The week ends with more punishment for Florida, as Jeanne, the fourth hurricane in six weeks, sliced across the state, reravaging areas recently traumatized by hurricanes Ivan and Frances and killing at least five people. Until today, the Associated Press reports, no state had suffered a four-hurricane pounding in one season since Texas in 1886--which proves one thing: God watched the last election. Condolences to the extravagantly victimized people of Florida, all praise to God and His vengeful weather.

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