David Schmader is out this week.

MONDAY, APRIL 28 This week of unheroic dick pics, corpse-laden road trips, and terrible ways to die kicks off in the South, where three days' worth of tornadoes, including "a twister possibly a mile wide," decimated towns in Mississippi, Alabama, and Arkansas, killing at least 19 people, reports CNN. Among the dead was Jeffrey Hunter, a college senior who first managed to text his mom a bittersweet farewell message from the path of an oncoming tornado. "First he said, 'Mama, I'm so scared,'" Hunter's mom, Regina Wood, told ArkansasMatters.com. She was 20 miles away when the tornado hit. "I have a text on my phone as the tornado was hitting: 'Goodbye mama,'" Wood said. Hunter's body was found by a neighbor minutes later.

TUESDAY, APRIL 29 Today the state of Oklahoma botched the execution of Clayton Lockett, a convicted murderer who was sentenced to death 15 years ago after confessing to shooting an Oklahoma teenager with a sawed-off shotgun and then watching as two other men buried her alive. As Daily Kos reports, Lockett's torturous last minutes started with being tased and ended with having an IV drip inserted into his groin—rather than in his arms or legs, as is standard—to administer the life-ending drug Midazolam. Unfortunately, the vein into which doctors were trying to deliver the drug promptly collapsed, meaning the lethal dose "either absorbed into tissue, leaked out, or both," the state of Oklahoma writes in its official recounting of the flubbed execution. The report continues: "The director asked the following question, 'Have enough drugs been administered to cause death?' The doctor responded, 'No.' The director asked, 'Is another vein available, and if so, are there enough drugs remaining?' The doctor responded, 'No' to both questions." At that point, Lockett's execution was called off, but by then it was too late: After 47 minutes, some spent writhing in pain, Lockett died of an apparent heart attack. As Mother Jones writes, "Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin (R) has done what almost no death penalty foe has been able to do in decades of fighting capital punishment: She's made the country feel sorry for a heinous killer. Last week, she turned a man who shot a 19-year-old woman and watched as she was buried alive into exhibit A as to why the death penalty should be abolished." On Saturday, President Obama will call the execution-by-torture "deeply troubling" and order the US Justice Department to investigate how the death penalty is administered in this country.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30 Speaking of killer groins, the week continues in Texas with reports of a man falling to his death from a hotel balcony after allegedly fighting with his wife about group sex. MySanAntonio.com reports that when security guards entered the Hilton Palacio del Rio hotel room belonging to prominent real-estate agent Michael A. Ochoa and his wife just before 2 a.m., "they heard a splashing sound," and "Ochoa's wife was lying on the bed and told officers her husband was out on the balcony." But a security sweep turned up an empty balcony and a body floating in the river 18 stories below. When questioned, Ochoa's wife—who police say had scratches on both her arms and her left ring fingernail ripped off—told several versions of how her husband came to be floating dead in a river, each revolving around an aborted group-sex romp. "In the first version, the couple had decided to have sex in their room with another couple. When the other couple arrived, Ochoa's wife 'had second thoughts,' angering Ochoa," MySanAntonio.com reports. "Ochoa's wife said the other couple left the room before Ochoa started punching her in the head. Then he walked outside to the balcony and his wife did not see him any more." In the second version of the story, Ochoa was allegedly fighting with another man in the room and both punched her in the head. "When asked again what happened, Ochoa's wife repeated the first story again, but said her husband was trying to escape security, thinking he was going to be arrested." Officers eventually fished Ochoa's unresponsive body from the river. No one has been charged.

THURSDAY, MAY 1 In worse corpse news, today a bachelor party headed to the Kentucky Derby stopped to investigate a stench emitting from their rented RV, only to discover a corpse stashed in the vehicle's exterior cargo compartment. The body was identified by police as 22-year-old Kevin Casserly, a Minnesota father of two who'd been missing for nearly six months. "Mystery surrounds not only how Casserly's body got into the RV compartment, but how and why he disappeared," the Minnesota Star Tribune reports, while the Daily Mail notes that the bachelor party was told by the RV's owner "not to use the front compartments because they were out of order." Condolences to everyone, especially Casserly's 3-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter, who will probably never be able to enjoy a road trip without packing some very heavy daddy-shaped baggage.

FRIDAY, MAY 2 In horror of a different sort, a Captain America impersonator was arrested for allegedly sending sexually explicit photos and text messages to an underage girl he met while working as the Marvel superhero at a Florida amusement park. Details come from the Smoking Gun, which reports today that James Weldon Alton, 29, met the teenage girl when she posed with him at Universal Studios. The girl later posted the photo online, where it was found and commented on by Alton. "The girl told Maitland Police Department investigators that she initially exchanged texts with Alton 'as friends,' but that their communication soon turned explicit. Alton sent the teenager a photo of his penis, as well as texts about masturbation and 'getting into her,' according to the police affidavit," reports the Smoking Gun. "In an April 18 text, the girl told Alton she was 16. A week later, 'Mr. Alton sent photos of his penis' to the girl's cell phone." When questioned by police, Alton reportedly characterized his decision to send photos of his penis to the teen as "poor judgment on his part." After being arrested, Alton "stated again he did not know what he was thinking when he sent the photos of his penis." Alton also claimed not to know "what he was expecting to receive from sending the photos." Alton was suspended by Universal Studios following his arrest.

SATURDAY, MAY 3 Nothing happened today.

SUNDAY, MAY 4 Today an extremist Muslim group whose name translated means "Western education is a sin" took credit for kidnapping hundreds of Nigerian schoolgirls nearly three weeks ago, labeled the girls "slaves," and threatened to "sell them in the market, by Allah," the New York Times reports. This marks the first time a group has claimed responsibility for the mass kidnapping. Armed extremists forced more than 300 teenage girls from their beds at an all-girl school on April 14. Since then, the Nigerian government has failed to rescue a single girl, although roughly 53 have escaped on their own. As many as 276 still remain captive, according to the New York Times and other media outlets.