MONDAY, MAY 12 This week of trumped-up head cases, fatal games, and illicit orgasms kicks off with Karl Rove, Republican strategist and former George W. Bush puppeteer, accusing former secretary of state Hillary Clinton of suffering a "traumatic brain injury" in 2012, which could hinder her run for president in 2016. Rove stated during a recent conference, "Thirty days in the hospital? And when she reappears, she's wearing glasses that are only for people who have traumatic brain injury? We need to know what's up with that," reports PageSix.com today. Despite Rove's claims, Clinton was discharged from a hospital after only three days, after suffering a concussion that created a blood clot between her brain and skull. (Fun fact: At the time, Republicans accused the then–secretary of state of faking her concussion.) As ThinkProgress reports, "Several prominent Republicans, including Newt Gingrich, criticized Rove's remarks for attacking Clinton personally rather than picking a fight over her policy proposals. Confronted with Gingrich's criticism on [Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace], Rove can be heard saying 'gag me.'" In response, Clinton's rep has said, "Please assure Dr. Rove she's 100 percent."
TUESDAY, MAY 13 In newsworthier brain farts, today the Seattle Police Department blog reports, "Officers arrested a 46-year-old man at a Capitol Hill gas station after he called 911, claimed that his meth dealer had stolen his truck, and then spit at an officer after she pointed out his truck was still parked in the lot." The man was booked into King County Jail. Meanwhile, officers in West Seattle are on the lookout for a family man who walked into a Subway sandwich restaurant and allegedly walked out with the store's toilet. "According to Subway employees, the man and his family walked into the Subway restaurant—located in the 4700 block of 42nd Ave SW and ordered food around 7:45 PM," the SPD blotter states. "While employees were preparing the family's meal, the man went into the Subway's bathroom and was gone for quite some time—so long, in fact, that his wife knocked on the bathroom door and asked what was taking him so long. The man's family then left the restaurant without him." Shortly after, employees reported seeing the man leaving the bathroom carrying a large plastic garbage bag. "An employee later walked into the bathroom and found the toilet tank missing. The employee also found the still-running bathroom sink stuffed with paper towels... Subway staff told officers the missing toilet tank was worth $550."
WEDNESDAY, MAY 14 The week continues in South Carolina, where early this morning several people learned the stupid way that guns aren't toys—and neither are bulletproof vests. Details come from WSPA.com, which reports that 25-year-old Blake Randell Wardell was "with a group of about 10 other people when they found an old bulletproof vest at a home," at which point the group decided to play a "game." The game went like this: Wardell donned the vest and let others shoot at him with a small-caliber gun. You can guess what happened next—one of the shots missed the vest and hit Wardell in the chest, causing him to bleed to death, according to Deputy Coroner Don McCown. Wardell was pronounced dead at the scene, and two of Wardell's friends—Timothy Dwayne Fisher, 25, and Taylor Ann Kelly, 18—have been charged respectively with involuntary manslaughter and accessory after the fact for concealing information in the case, reports CNN.
THURSDAY, MAY 15 Moving on to objects you can enjoy with your friends without risking death, today a Georgia woman filed a lawsuit challenging an obscenity ordinance in the city of Sandy Springs that prohibits the sale of sex toys without a doctor's note. As WFTV.com reports today, Melissa Davenport, a co-complainant (who's a sex-toy-using artist), and her attorney filed the lawsuit because they want the government out of the business of regulating private lives. Davenport, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, says that sex toys saved her marriage. As the lawsuit explains, "Davenport's sexual intimacy was impacted because sexual arousal begins in the central nervous system, where MS strikes. The disease can damage nerve pathways to the sexual organs. Sexual response, including arousal and orgasm, can be directly affected." Davenport and her husband have acted as sex-toy-positive spokespeople in the MS community and Davenport routinely sells the devices to others. As the lawsuit explains, Davenport has sought to both purchase and sell sexual toys in Sandy Springs, but can't because of the ordinance, which "prohibits the selling of sexual devices unless the customers have a bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial or law enforcement purpose," explains WFTV.com. Davenport isn't seeking damages; she simply wants a judge to find the law unconstitutional.
FRIDAY, MAY 16 Today protesters in Olympia marched to the Thurston County courthouse to protest the lenient sentence given to an affluent drunk driver who received no jail time despite leading police on a dangerous high-speed chase last December. As KOMO News reports, "In that incident, [Shaun] Goodman led police on a chase through downtown Olympia at top speeds of 100 mph. The chase ended when he crashed his 2000 Ferrari F360 into a parked car and a home. His blood alcohol measured 0.16, twice the Washington State threshold for drunken driving." Goodman eventually pleaded guilty to felony eluding a police officer and DUI for the incident, for which the judge sentenced him to just a year of work release. As ThinkProgress reports, "According to the court system's most recent DUI sentencing grid, anyone found with a BAC above .15 (Goodman's was .16) and with two or three prior offenses (Goodman had six), the mandatory minimum jail time is 120 days. The minimum sentence may not be overturned 'unless the court finds that imprisonment of this mandatory minimum sentence would impose a substantial risk to the offender's physical or mental well-being.'" Further chapping the asses of outraged proletarians: In February, a judge gave Goodman permission to travel to New York City and attend the Super Bowl while his case was going through the court system. "The judge has said at some point that he's an important businessman in the community, and it wouldn't be fair for him [and] his employees would suffer if he went to real jail," protester Sam Miller told KOMO. "And my question is—what about the people that might suffer if he kills somebody?"
SATURDAY, MAY 17 Nothing happened today.
SUNDAY, MAY 18 Nothing happened today.