Columns

Last Days

  • comments
  • Print

MONDAY, AUGUST 30 Today 1999's hottest summer trend -- violent anti-Semitism -- continued with two new attacks in sunny California, apparently the anti-Semitism capital of the world. In San Francisco, swastikas and anti-Semitic graffiti ("Adolf Hitler was here") were found scrawled on the wall of a Jewish daycare center (ballsy!). Reuters reports that S.F. police are considering the attack a possible copycat crime following the August 10 attack on a Jewish community center in suburban Los Angeles. And in San Jose, the house of a Superior Court judge was firebombed in another apparently racially motivated attack. San Jose police rounded up three suspects after one called in to report the attack, which burned a three-foot hole in Judge Jack Komar's porch. The young suspects informed police they belonged to a white supremacist group, and had targeted Komar because he is Jewish. In turn, police informed the young suspects that Judge Komar is Roman Catholic, not Jewish, so ha ha ha on their stupid anti-Semitic asses.


TUESDAY, AUGUST 31 In other, better Jewish news: Today Abraham's covenant with God received unprecedented medical sanction as researchers at a Nairobi health seminar presented evidence that male circumcision significantly reduces the spread of the HIV virus in men. The Associated Press reports that the study carried out in four African cities found that uncut men were at least three times more likely to contract HIV than their cut brothers. Researchers admit that their findings are "puzzling," but have suggested that the key may lie in the skin on the head of the penis. Circumcised penises, having spent countless years rubbing up against the inside of a man's britches, underpants, or palm, may be covered with a tougher, more abrasion-resistant (and therefore more HIV-resistant) skin than uncircumcised penises, which have spent the majority of their lives tucked away like delicate little pigs in blankets. Go figure.


WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 Speaking of dicks that make people sick, today the Pope announced that the Catholic Church will kick off the new millennium by publicly seeking forgiveness for its centuries of fuck-ups, reports Reuters. "As the Church looks to the great Jubilee of the year 2000, she is aware of her continual need of purification and penance," said Pope John Paul to his weekly general audience. Among the past sins listed are the Church's "use of force to impose the truth" (an apparent reference to the Inquisition and the forced conversions of Jews and native peoples), and its "failure to respect and defend human rights" (an apparent reference to the Vatican's indifference to the plight of Jews during the Holocaust). Suspiciously absent from the list were acknowledgments of the Church's culpability for overpopulation, the continued second-class status of women, and the distended anuses of countless altar boys.

··And speaking of back-tracking, ass-covering weasels: In the new issue of Playboy, actor Kevin Spacey sets the record straight on his oft-rumored homosexuality. "It's not true," says the now officially heterosexual Spacey, adding for emphasis, "It's a lie." Spacey's surprising announcement comes primarily in response to a 1998 Esquire piece that all but outed the Oscar-winning actor; Spacey now claims the false article proved helpful in scoring hot chicks, eager to convert him. "They want to be the one to turn me around," Spacey tells Playboy. "I let them." (Spacey goes on to brag about the size of his "willy.") Upon reading Spacey's revelations, Last Days promptly shared the news with two male friends, each of whom has spent time in the sack with Mr. Straightypants. Said one, "Well, good for him." Said the other, "Oh, so, he's not gay? That explains why he was so lousy in bed."


THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 Today creepy Internet auction site eBay got even creepier as online buyers scrambled to purchase a fully functioning human kidney. The organ was posted on the site late last month by a seller from Sunrise, Florida, who started the bidding at $25,000. Today, as bids reached $5.7 million, eBay authorities pulled the plug on the sale, citing the seller's flouting of both eBay rules outlawing the auctioning of body parts and federal law making the sale of one's own organs punishable by up to five years in prison or a $50,000 fine. And while bidding millions for a kidney is decidedly icky, it pales in comparison with a recent purchase made by a local eBay junkie, who forked out nearly $100 for a terrifying miniature doll wig.


FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 Trouble's a-brewing up in Whatcom County, where, in the town of Blaine, construction of a new $7.75 million waste-watertreatment plant has been halted after investigators discovered that the remains of more than 40 Lummi Indians were dug up during the initial excavation, reports the Associated Press. Blaine officials admit the city violated its construction agreement with the tribe by failing to notify them immediately of the find, and by shipping some of the remains out of state. "The (agreement) explicitly called for treating the human remains with respect," wrote Washington state historic preservation officer Allyson Brooks in a letter to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. "Transferring a sovereign nation's ancestors to Denver without their consent or knowledge does not fall under that definition." With the remains now back in their possession, Lummi Indian leaders are requesting the city find another site for the sewage plant; they also want the disrupted burial ground placed in trust for the tribe. Last Days prays the city complies, as a haunted sewage plant is something to be avoided at all costs.


SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 Today on Capitol Hill, two homosexual men set a new world record for processing. The marathon attempt at soulful communication began on a late afternoon stroll down lovely 15th Ave, where the pair bravely attempted to bridge the yawning chasm that exists between all human beings by discussing their thoughts and feelings. Six hours later, after countless cryptic admissions, defensive retreats, and impenetrable analogies, the exhausted pair agreed that the analyzing of emotions -- much like the composition of folk music and the construction of the nation's highways -- is work best left to lesbians. In the future, the men will hash things out in the traditionally male way: by getting drunk and punching things.


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 Today Last Days ventured down to the swirling pit of culture, crowds, and cruddy food known as Bumbershoot. And despite the many hindrances to pleasure (were all the gatekeepers and parking lot attendants required to be stoned and surly?), we had a wonderful time, thanks primarily to New York theater artist Danny Hoch, whose one-man show Jails, Hospitals, and Hip-Hop was a festival highlight. Unfortunately, Hoch was saddled with a quintessential Seattle audience, who, in their desperation to display their cultural savvy and liberalism, gasped and hissed along with Hoch's intricate study of racism and classism as if it were a 1920s melodrama. Still, Hoch ruled, minds were expanded, and despite the gripes, Bumbershoot is a good thing.

Julia: Call me. Everybody else: Send me Hot Tips. E-mail lastdays@thestranger.com or phone the 24-hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext. 3113.

 

Comments (0)

Add a comment