MONDAY, MAY 19 This week of traumatized crocodiles, virginity-induced gun violence, and unsexy solo sex shows kicks off with allegations of the latter in beautiful West Park, Florida, where a woman allegedly slapped a patrolman, then protested her subsequent detention by aggressively masturbating in front of anyone and everyone with eyeballs. As the Smoking Gun reports, the trouble began when police sought to question a woman who works as an exotic dancer at Tootsie's Cabaret in Miami about a stolen iPad—at which point, according to a police report by Officer Juan Canino, "the female slapped my left arm with her right hand and yelled, 'Don't touch me, bitch!'" Once transported to jail for the alleged assault, Officer Canino notes, the woman in question "exposed her vagina, anus, and breasts" and "had to be ordered repeatedly to keep her clothes on and to stop masturbating." The report adds that when a female officer sought to search her, "the female removed her clothing once again and began rubbing her vagina." She was eventually charged with resisting an officer without violence, a misdemeanor. She was neither charged nor paid for her impromptu show.
TUESDAY, MAY 20 Our next defiant solo sex act takes us to Tennessee, where a 49-year-old man was arrested after reportedly attempting to have sex with an ATM. Details come once again from the Smoking Gun, which reported yesterday that the man walked into a neighborhood bar, dropped his pants, and "allegedly sought to make a 9 PM deposit." According to the police report, Hutton "then began to walk 'nude' around the bar thrusting his hips in the air" until police arrived, at which point he was escorted from the bar and instructed to chill the fuck out on a wooden picnic table. Instead, the report alleges, he "again exposed himself and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table." Noting his bloodshot eyes, slurred speech, and "odor of intoxicant about his person," the responding officer opted to book Hutton for public intoxication. He was neither charged nor paid for his impromptu show.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 21 The week continues in Edmonds, Washington, where a man says he came home from work to discover his bedroom had been burglarized by a stranger in drag. As KOMO reported last night, a surveillance camera set up in the bedroom of William Crockett captured footage of a man disguised in women's clothing, "creeping inside his bedroom while he was at work on Tuesday morning." Crockett claims the burglar made off with a tablet computer and a chest containing the cremated remains of his dad. "Who takes somebody's ashes? Who?" Crockett asked KOMO. "Whether you're religious or not, that's like the one thing... that nobody does." Crockett said the chest was part of his father's collection of Davey Crockett memorabilia. (The family says they're directly descended from the American icon's brother.) Crockett wants the chest, and his dad, back: "If I'm in the house and I see you walking up, that's okay. Drop it off, I'll stay inside, and leave," Crockett said in a public appeal to the dress-wearing burglar. "If you bring the ashes back, that's what I would love the most."
THURSDAY, MAY 22 Speaking of personal trauma, today a crocodile was crushed by an accountant on a traveling circus bus, causing both parties to go into shock and the injured animal to vomit for hours. Details come from United Press International, which reports that when the Russian circus bus "hit a pothole, the 264-pound female accountant went flying and landed on top of the 6.5-foot crocodile," after which the crocodile, Fyodor, "threw up for three hours" and missed his next performance. Obviously, what's remarkable here isn't either party's size, but the questionable life choices that led an accountant to be trapped on a tour bus with a crocodile. Our condolences go out to the accountant, who, the UPI reports, was officially reprimanded for the incident (and, horrifically, was also "advised to lose weight" and wear a seat belt in the future).
FRIDAY, MAY 23 Today, a disturbed 22-year-old in Isla Vista, California, enraged at a world's worth of women for keeping him involuntarily celibate, killed six people and wounded 13 others before turning the gun on himself. "It's been my life struggle to get a beautiful, white girl," Elliot Rodger wrote in a thread at BodyBuilding.com on Monday, the Southern Poverty Law Center reports. At some point, Rodger gave up trying to get what he saw as his birthright—a "beautiful, white girl"—and began planning his self-described "Day of Retribution" on all women instead. In a video posted to his YouTube channel, Rodger confided: "I'm 22 years old, and I'm still a virgin. I've never even kissed a girl... College is the time when everyone experiences those things such as sex and fun and pleasure. Within those years, I've had to rot in loneliness." Complaining that life is not "fair," he added: "You girls have never been attracted to me. I don't know why you girls aren't attracted to me, but I will punish you all for it. It's an injustice, a crime, because... I don't know what you don't see in me. I'm the perfect guy and yet you throw yourselves at these obnoxious men instead of me, the supreme gentleman." As the New York Times reports: "His killing rampage was meticulously laid out, moving from an angry fantasy to a detailed mission over the course of his three years [in Isla Vista]. Mr. Rodger visited a shooting range for target practice in Oxnard, Calif.; bought three semiautomatic handguns (in case two of them jammed) at different gun stores; and scheduled and postponed the day of reckoning for the most logistical of reasons." (The Times says he'd originally settled on Halloween but decided there would be too many police on the streets.) Authorities say Rodger's retribution began in his apartment today, where he fatally stabbed three people—including his two roommates—before he got into his BMW with three handguns and more than 400 rounds of ammunition and opened fire on bystanders in front of a sorority house and in the streets of his small college town. After a shoot-out with police, Rodger ended his life. Condolences to the families of the victims.
SATURDAY, MAY 24 Responding to Elliot Rodger's shooting spree and other simmering misogynists who believe that women are prizes to be handed out when a man's testicles drop (and on command thereafter), Twitter users began trending the hashtag #YesAllWomen to share their stories of sexual violence and harassment. For example, "'Slut' is attacking women for their right to say yes. 'Friend Zone' is attacking women for their right to say no." And: "bc rape is the only crime where the victim has to prove it wasn't their fault." And: "Because many think it's more important to teach their daughters safety than it is to teach their sons respect."
SUNDAY, MAY 25 Nothing happened today.