MONDAY, APRIL 4 The week begins with a simulated kaboom in Connecticut, where government agencies from the U.S., the UK, and Canada coordinated to create the largest terrorism drill in U.S. history: TOPOFF 3, so named for its involvement of top officials, as well as its historical placement after TOPOFF 2, the 2003 drill that simulated chemical and biological attacks on Seattle and Chicago. Like its predecessor, TOPOFF 3 commenced with a double whammy of faux terror: a mock chemical attack in New London, CT and a simultaneous mock biological attack in neighboring New Jersey, with the twin calamities leaving New London's waterfront littered with burned and bloodied victims (many of whom sported extravagant fake injuries courtesy of showbiz cosmeticians). As emergency response teams began five days of tending to victims and containing disaster, coordinators looked for obvious weak spots exposed by the $16-million drill. The most obvious, according to the Hartford Courant: a lack of ambulances, which left the wounded waiting at least two hours before they could be brought to Hartford hospitals, and which officials have proposed to remedy by calling additional ambulances from nearby Tolland and Hartford Counties.
â˘â˘ Speaking of simulated disasters: Tonight brought broadcast of Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of 'Mork & Mindy,' NBC's backhair-and-all biopic chronicling the ascent to television superstardom of Robin Williams. Last Days' fear and loathing of Williams' manic-compulsive "comedy" is well documented, and tonight's broadcast only cemented our prejudices. Thanks to a spot-on performance by Canada's Chris Diamantopoulos, Behind the Camera⌠suggests that Robin Williams' success stems less from drive and talent than from pathological desperation, with the subjective distance afforded by Diamantopoulos' ace impersonation illuminating the ease with which Williams--denied some key early encouragement--could have morphed from the kooky clown you love to love to the babbling street lunatic you cross the street to get away from. Unfortunately, the rest of NBC's Mork-umentary was water-soluble fluff, offering bland dramatizations of key Mork & Mindy moments--i.e., "Mork needs a catchphrase, butâŚwhat?"--and mildly humiliating pretend-celebrity cameos (fake John Belushi, fake Fonz). Semi-redeeming highlight: The show's able depiction of the tragedy of Pam "Mindy" Dawber, an actress who understands the agony of a career devoted to finding new ways of exclaiming, "Mork, what are you doing?!"
TUESDAY, APRIL 5 Speaking of disturbing portraits of celebrity sociopaths: Today the world was forced to gawk at the pope's corpse, as photos of the deceased pontiff stunk up the covers of the majority of mainstream newspapers the world over. Laid out in his ceremonial red-and-white robes like an assassinated Santa, the pope looked as peaceful as a mass-media porno corpse can--his soon-to-be-sainted skull resting on a mass of pillows (stacked high to counteract the hump), his elderly lips sewn closed. (Finally.) In six days, the pope will receive a eulogy of exquisite spiritual justice from the lips of Bernard Law, the disgraced former Archbishop of Boston and key component of the U.S. clergy-abuse scandal. RIP PJP, now bring on the white smoke.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6 Speaking of eye abuse: Today brought a ravishing sighting from the rolling medicine show known as Seattle Metro, courtesy of Hot Tipper Elizabeth. "I ride the Metro every day," writes Elizabeth. "And while it is often full of crazy people, there was a woman today who topped them all. She looked like an older, strung-out Joan Jett. She was clearly schizophrenic, and kept talking about the voices she didn't want to hear anymore. At the start of the bus ride, she announced in a very loud voice, 'This is the bus straight to HELL. It's full of Satanists, poltergeists, and Catholics!' [Like the best Hot Tippers, Elizabeth took notes.] She then told everyone on the bus that she was going to stand by the back door in case a poltergeist or 'crunkmonkey' tried to get on.'" At this point, a summoned Metro official boarded the bus to "calm the lady down." The official asked the woman if she wanted to stay on the bus; the woman replied, "I'd rather ride in my own private space ship jet." Then things started to get really weird: "I was sitting next to a guy who had the words 'FUCK YOU' tattooed on his knuckles in gothic letters," reports Elizabeth. "With a straight face, he told the Metro official, 'The language she's using is offending me.'" Best of all, prior to her exit, Elizabeth was treated to a special outburst direct from Crazy Joan herself: "I'm in the wrong city, the wrong country, the wrong existence," the lady told Elizabeth, outlining her escape: "I'll go to Cairo, an 11-hour direct flight, where the Egyptians built the pyramids in perfect alignment, and maybe a spaceship will come pick me up. We'll go to Boston where the Catholic Churches are all closed, and the witches will take me into their witch houses. We'll go away from all this shit in this shit country 'cause it's all fucked up."
THURSDAY, APRIL 7 After weeks of mild to moderate salacity, today the Michael Jackson criminal trial exploded with grossness, as a former Neverland security guard swore under oath that he saw Michael Jackson perform oral sex on a preadolescent boy. Tomorrow, another former Neverland employee will testify she witnessed Jackson groping then-child actor Macaulay Culkin in 1993. Tonight at 11:00, the Seattle Fox affiliate will rebroadcast the 1991 episode of The Simpsons featuring the guest voice of Michael Jackson, an episode freshly tainted in Last Days' mind by a recent Howard Stern Show, during which Simpsons' co-creator Sam Simon shared tales of Jackson's insistence on more scenes with Bart (including an overnight stay) as well as Jacko's unnerving habit of kissing the life-sized Bart doll stored in the studio. Eep, and stay tuned.
FRIDAY, APRIL 8 The week continues with a well-timed tip from Hot Tipper Lara: "If you are going to print all those horrible stories of abuse in Last Days, maybe just this once you should print something about people who do something about it." Specifically, Lara suggested, the folks at Washington State CASA (that's Court Appointed Special Advocates for children), where Hot Tipper Lara happens to work as promotion and publication coordinator. "April, after all, is National Child Abuse Prevention Month," wrote Lara, but Last Days doesn't need a federally appointed month to bestow praise upon motivated do-gooders, which the workers at CASA most definitely are. A quick tour of the group's website (washingtonstatecasa.org) revealed enough instances of mundane work leading to miraculous results to earn Last Days' admiration for keeps. From helping desperate individuals navigate the legal system to facilitating the most beneficial matches of available resources to victims' needs, the volunteers at CASA are devoted to the notion that every kid deserves a home free of clobbering, neglect, and inappropriate groping, and are just the sort of pragmatic idealists the future depends on. "Maybe you could also mention our April 21st event at Town Hall, featuring New York Times-bestselling author Dave Pelzer," suggested Lara, whose wish is our command.
SATURDAY, APRIL 9 Nothing happened today (unless you count the wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, a long-awaited happy ending to a classically beautiful story of true love overcoming enormous obstacles to withstand the test of time, doomed to be remembered by our media era as Ugly Man Weds Plain Woman).
SUNDAY, APRIL 10 Nothing happened today.
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