This Week in Review
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14 The week commences, continues, and concludes with nothing but uncles, starting with today's lucky uncle from St. Louis—49-year-old Jim McLain, who was working on his car behind the family business yesterday when the jack slipped and the car fell on him. Fortunately for Uncle Jim, his cries for help were heard by his 14-year-old nephew, who rushed to his uncle's aid. According to the Associated Press, the crushed uncle urged the boy to lift the bumper. Despite his modest 110-pound build, the nephew managed to lift the car high enough for his uncle to take a short breath—a maneuver paramedics later credited with saving the uncle's life, giving him enough oxygen to survive until the arrival of the heroic nephew's dad, who helped his son lift the car high enough to let the uncle escape and get rushed by paramedics to the hospital, where he was treated for fractured ribs and multiple contusions.
•• Meanwhile in Korea: Authorities in Seoul announced the arrest of a 46-year-old man wanted on charges of fraudulently obtaining $14 million from investors by posing as the uncle of Korean-American golf star Michelle Wie. Details come from Korea's JoongAng Daily, which reports the imposter uncle attracted a reported 970 investors with promises of large profits from investments in his shoe-sterilizing business, which was to be situated near a new golf course built by his international golf-star "niece," who the man also promised would promote the shoe-sterilization business for free. The faux uncle remains jailed on charges of fraud, and representatives for Michelle Wie say the golfer has no plans to build a golf course in Korea or loan her stature to shoe-sterilization in any form.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15 The week continues with a beguiling sighting from Hot Tipper Keith, who when he's not witnessing kooky shit at the McDonald's near the Space Needle is the beloved uncle to nephews Aki and Koji. But today Uncle Keith was fully entranced by the opera of oddity involving both staff and customers at the aforementioned fast foodery. The protagonist: A hearing-impaired man who walked with a limp and twice asked the McDonald's manager to turn down the music—characterized by Hot Tipper Keith as "loud" and "blaring"—so the hearing-impaired man could place his order in his softer-than-normal speaking voice. The antagonist: The female manager, who twice refused her customer's request, insisting the man write down his order on a piece of paper. The freak subsidiary character who spins the plot in a totally new direction: The bald, obese, southern-accented man in line behind the hearing-impaired man, whose managerial squabble he interrupted with an outburst: "I want you to stop bothering these people," demanded the southern dumpling of the hearing-impaired man. "Hell, I'll pay you $50 to leave." No sooner had the words hit the air than the hearing-impaired man accepted, extending his hand for his reward. But it was a sad day for honor as the southern fellow huffed, spun, and fled without forking out. "The hearing-impaired man then paid for his sandwiches," writes Hot Tipper Uncle Keith. "He ate them sitting in his car, which had dreidels hanging from the rearview mirror."
•• In other uncle news: Today brought word of the death of Uncle Floyd, the "barbecue master" who made chili for President Johnson on Air Force One, thrilled zillions of diners with his signature pecan-smoked ribs, and died this past Sunday at age 69.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16 Speaking of beloved southern uncles: Today we delve into the fascinating online world of Uncle Ralph, the self-proclaimed "Dear Abby for the Trailer Trash and Redneck Community." Recent question: "Uncle Ralph: I recently read news reports about a female teacher sleeping with her student, a 14-year-old boy. I wanted to sleep with a couple of teachers when I was in school too. So the kid got lucky. What do you think? Signed, the Beerman." Recent answer: "Dear Beerman: A couple people wrote in about this one. Apparently this was going on for a couple of years until the father caught them in the act. Turns out the kid was home schooled." [Insert donkey bray followed by "boing" sound here.]
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17 Speaking of psychotic uncles from other cultures: Today Last Days enjoyed the company of Uncle Tompa, the Legendary Rascal of Tibet, whose "outrageous rogue" tales have apparently delighted mankind for centuries. Among the delights: "Uncle Tompa Sleeps with a Virgin," in which the legendary rascal of Tibet convinces a comely young virgin to carry his urine to the bathroom for him, then fucks her twice. Rascal!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18 Nothing happened today, unless you count Last Days' discovery of Uncle Kimono, the fashion line designed by peerlessly odd actor John Malkovich, who describes the line thusly: "Uncle Kimono is a men's wear collection which has resonance of late-1950s Californian beach boys, some Palm Springs Rat Pack, a touch of lounge lizards, and a recollection of a Swiss banker who's been let go." Even better, there now exists John Malkovich: Flipping Uncle Kimono, an hour-long documentary directed by Malkovich chronicling Uncle Kimono's 2005 showcase in Milan, for which Malkovich eschewed fashion models for a parade of judo fighters who beat each other up while wearing his designs. Thanks to Last Days' intern Eli for tracking down this prime bit of unclilia, and to John Malkovich for being so fucking weird forever.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19 Speaking of famous people and uncles: Today brings some famous uncles, specifically those uncles famous enough to warrant websites from their web-savvy nieces and/or nephews. Unfortunately, this wasn't as fruitful as we hoped, with two hours of Googling unearthing only two such uncle-honoring sites, including posts by Cleveland college student P.J. Hope (great-nephew of unfunny comedian Bob Hope) and some guy in the Midwest whose uncle Clyde discovered Pluto.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20 Our week of uncles ends most fittingly in the online world of uncle-related poetry, a vast universe of lyrical love ranging from readymade plaques engraved with avuncular verse to poetry-blog tributes to uncles loved and lost. Best in show: LoveLandia.com, a website devoted to the expression of love, and home to this poem by a young woman named Evelyn:
I remember the day clearly when my uncle died from overdose,
Left me lost, lonely and cold. I remember the pain I felt deep down inside finding out at school was a big surprise.
'Cause the one who made me happy all the time passed away and is gone out of my life.
I remember the last day I saw you, everyday we were together making plans,
You were gonna teach me to drive your car and you were gonna meet my boyfriend but all that's gone.
Now I'm sitting here thinking about you and wishing I would have told you I loved you!
Now that you're gone I don't know how I went on
Damn Nigga, I wish you were here.
Love your uncles, and send Hot Tips to lastdays@ thestranger.com.