This Week in Review
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28 The week kicks off with news of an allegedly sociopathic grandma, straight out of Moon Township, Pennsylvania, where 56-year-old Nancy O'Donnell has been charged with a slew of crimes after allegedly spiking her extended family's macaroni and cheese with bleach. According to the Associated Press, the alleged bleaching allegedly occurred last Saturday, when O'Donnell's 24-year-old daughter was preparing dinner for her live-in boyfriend and their two children in the house they share with the aforementioned grandma. While cooking, the daughter briefly ran upstairs, returning to the kitchen to the smell of bleach. When a taste test confirmed the daughter's bleachy fears, she confronted her mother; according to court records, Grandma Nancy said she wanted to sicken her daughter because she "didn't deserve" her children. Soon after, O'Donnell denied pouring any bleach on any pasta for any reason. She remains held on charges of aggravated assault and reckless endangerment.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29 Today brought the long-discredited "something new under the sun," in the form of a one-of-a-kind (or at least first-of-its-kind) eyewitness sighting from Hot Tipper Kristyn. The scene: The corner of Queen Anne Avenue North and Mercer Street, where Kristyn stepped off a number 8 bus to a sight she won't soon forget: "Some sunglassed dude, in a beanie, passionately rubbing his crotch up against the MarQueen Hotel," writes Kristyn. "As I walked by, I realized that he was shoving his dick—in fact, his whole genitalia—into the dryer vent on the side of the building. Maybe he was getting it on with the vent, or maybe he was just trying to warm up his johnson. Whatever the case, he was doing it gracefully, with a cigarette between his lips." Thank to Kristyn for noticing and sharing, and condolences to the smoking vent fucker, who after December 8 will have to stay no less than 25 feet away from his beloved vent whenever he lights up.
•• Speaking of illicitly humped public monuments: Today BBC News reported on the hot new fence installed around a tomb in Paris's Père Lachaise Cemetery. Specifically the tomb of Victor Noir, the 19th-century journalist who died after a duel with a great-nephew of Napoleon. In his tomb-statue form, Noir appears in a frock coat and trousers lying flat on his back, with, the BBC reports, a "distinct enlargement of the groin." Long celebrated as an aid to love and fertility, the statue is believed to guarantee that women who kiss the statue's lips will find a husband by year's end. Concerned about damage to the icon's celebrated groin, officials installed the aforementioned new fence, complete with a sign: "Any damage caused by graffiti or indecent rubbing will be prosecuted."
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30 The week continues with fresh scandal for Michael Jackson, courtesy of the UK's ambitiously trashy Sun newspaper, which reports that Jacko's post-acquittal Bahranian vacation could be interrupted by a flurry of new criminal allegations, nearly all of them involving drugs. First among the alleged intoxicants: cocaine—traces of which were reportedly found on Jacko's underpants during the 2003 raid of Neverland. Elsewhere in Neverland, cops reportedly found bottles of Vicodin, OxyContin, Versed, Promethazine, Xanax, and Valium, prescribed by doctors for a variety of Jackson's aides and employees. What's more, a Jackson aide tells the Sun that the new drug allegations are being investigated by the twice-stung Santa Barbara District Attorney Tom Sneddon, who reportedly suspects a deeply addicted Jackson could be getting drugs flown to Bahrain. Said the nameless "Jackson insider": "Sneddon is considering whether he can get Michael on charges of conspiracy to export a controlled substance... He hopes to put together a strong case and file it in the next few months."
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 1 The week continues with the worst thing in the world. Last Days is speaking, of course, of entering a room to find a baby fatally entwined in a venetian blind and/or its attendant cord. Today that pan-humanity nightmare came true for a most unfortunate daycare operator and an even more unfortunate young family. To those who'd quibble with Last Days' placement of "even more unfortunate" after the presumably ultimate "most unfortunate," listen to this shit: The scene—Bothell, Washington, where, according to KING 5 News, today began much like any other day for one 18-month-old girl, with her parents dropping her off at the residential daycare run by Julie Norris. There the little girl spent much of the day as many Seattleites did—gaping in amazement at the gorgeous sheet of snow that slowly fell over a number of Seattle neighborhoods this afternoon. On Capitol Hill, this sheet was slush by dusk and gone by morning. In Bothell, the snow was hearty enough to support the play of the daycare's six young kids, who followed their snow play with videos and the making of necklaces. Then came naptime, when the 18-month-old girl was placed safely in a crib—and unsafely near a set of bamboo blinds—while Norris set about her chores. After checking in on the girl once without incident, Norris returned to find the worst: The little girl hanging from the blind cord, which police believe the little girl may have slipped around her neck mimicking the pre-naptime necklace project. Despite the best efforts of Norris, her husband, and summoned paramedics, the girl was beyond resuscitation and was soon pronounced dead. Creepy detail: The Norris daycare has four previous citations from the Department of Health and Family Services, for incidents Norris described to KING 5 as "minor mistakes." (At least one citation stemmed from overcrowding, while another involved a child who broke his leg while in Norris's care.) But today's tragedy is the kind of mistake no one really recovers from. Deep condolences to the parents, and best of luck to Julie Norris, who's rightly said she'll never have anything to do with a daycare again.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2 Speaking of horrific: Today brought the ridiculously upsetting execution of Nguyen Tuong Van, a 25-year-old Australian caught in Singapore's airport with 14 ounces of heroin in 2002, for which the mind-fuckingly unlucky Nguyen received a mandatory death sentence. Despite a personal visit from German Chancellor Angela Markel, all pleas for clemency were denied, and Nguyen was hung by the Singapore government before dawn this morning. "We have stated our position clearly," said Singapore's Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong. "The penalty is death." Dear Singapore: It takes a lot to make the U.S. look advanced in humanity these days, but you've done it. Dear everyone else: Don't try to fly drugs out of Singapore.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3 The week continues with congratulations to ace local illustrator and beloved Stranger contributor Ellen Forney, who was today wed in holy matrimony to Carl Mac Seymour, a popular checker at Seattle's Madison Market, where Mac and Ellen spent several weeks flirting before taking a ride on Mac's motorcycle. Within three weeks, they were engaged, and today the impatient-but-who-can-blame-them couple made their love official, exchanging vows at the Little White Chapel in Las Vegas (birthplace to marriage number one of Ms. Britney Spears) where the bride wore a pink leather halter, a big poofy skirt, and a tiara, while the groom wore a black tuxedo with pink tie and cummerbund. Congrats to both (and check out photos of the lovebirds in the "Gettin' Hitched" section of the Stranger classifieds).
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 4 The week ends with birthdays for two of the greatest poets of the past century and a half: letter-writing Duino elegizer and infamous family deserter Rainer Maria Rilke, and superstar rapper, Def Jam president, inefficient retiree, and shameless birthday promoter Jay-Z.
Send Hot Tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.