MONDAY, OCTOBER 19 Like all good Mondays, today kicks off with pot, as the U.S. Justice Department released an impressive new policy memo discouraging federal prosecution of pot smokers in those states that have legalized medical marijuana. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports that today's three-page memo instructs federal prosecutors that they "should not focus federal resources... on individuals whose actions are in clear and unambiguous compliance with existing state laws providing for the medical use of marijuana." However, as Attorney General Eric Holder said, "we will not tolerate drug traffickers who hide behind claims of compliance with state law to mask activities that are clearly illegal," with the memo encouraging full prosecution of pot transactions involving violence, illegal firearms, sale to minors, and/or money laundering. Thanks to the Obama administration for this lovely bit of common-sense law enforcement, and congratulations to medical marijuana users in Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Washington, who can now take their state-sanctioned medicine with diminished risk of federal prosecution.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20 In much worse news: The week continues in India, where police are investigating a mind-bogglingly appalling crime from the state of Jharkhand, where five women were stripped naked, beaten by an unruly mob, and forced to eat human excrement after being branded as witches. Humanity-incriminating details come from BBC News, which reports the incident occurred last Sunday in a remote village in the Deoghar district, where the local cleric had recently denounced five Muslim widows as witches responsible for bringing miseries on the area. "On Sunday morning the victims were taken to a playground where hundreds had assembled," recounted deputy inspector general Murari Lal Meena. On this playground, the five Muslim widows were stripped bare and beaten, then force-fed feces by the horde, not one of whom stepped in to defend the brutalized widows. "Hundreds of people, mostly women, have been killed in India because their neighbours thought they were witches," reports the BBC. "Experts say superstitious beliefs are behind some of these attacks, but there are occasions when people—especially widows—are targeted for their land and property." Four people have been arrested in connection with the incident; the victims remain under police protection.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21 Just when you thought you were ready to swear on a stack of Bibles that no human being should ever be beaten and made to eat excrement, along comes Carrie Prejean, the controversially deposed Miss California who previously distinguished herself with her public stance against gay marriage and who was this week slapped with a lawsuit over her failure to pay for her fake boobs. According to a complaint filed yesterday, "Prejean stiffed [Miss California] pageant organizer K2 Productions even though she requested the surgery 'to be more competitive' at the April 2009 Miss USA pageant and verbally agreed to repay the K2 loan," reports the New York Daily News. "The new suit accuses Prejean of missing events, lying about semi-nude photos, negotiating an unauthorized book deal, and using her title without authorization to help promote the National Organization for Marriage's 'campaign of intolerance' against gay marriage." K2 Productions is seeking the $5,200 it loaned Prejean to enhance her bust, as well as all proceeds from Ms. Prejean's improperly negotiated book. Dear God in Heaven: Please see that Carrie Prejean is unable to repay her $5,200 loan, resulting in the surgical repossession of her fake boobs. Amen.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22 Coming somewhat lackadaisically on the heels of Monday's bright and shiny pot development comes today's musty bong water, as the Minnesota Supreme Court ruled that funky stinkwater left in drug-smoking devices can count as an illegal drug. As the Associated Press reports, today's decision stems from a case in which a woman's confiscated bong water—about two and a half tablespoons of liquid—tested positive for methamphetamine, and it "raises the threat of longer sentences for drug smokers in that state who fail to dump the water out of bong." Thank you, Minnesota Supreme Court, for encouraging self-respecting pot smokers to keep their bongs as tidy as coffee lovers keep their French presses.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23 The week continues with an all-star "fuck-you" to Guantánamo Bay, as musicians ranging from Trent Reznor to Bonnie Raitt banded together to express their horror at the use of music in Bush-approved "enhanced interrogation techniques" of would-be terror suspects. As the Washington Post reports, "A high-profile coalition of artists—including the members of Pearl Jam, R.E.M., and the Roots—demanded Thursday that the government release the names of all the songs that were blasted since 2002 at prisoners for hours, even days, on end, to try to coerce cooperation or as a method of punishment... The artists also launched a formal protest of the use of music in conjunction with torture." Regarding the use of music in conjunction with torture: "Sound at a certain level creates sensory overload and breaks down subjectivity and can [bring about] a regression to infantile behavior," said NYU professor Suzanne G. Cusick to the Post. "Its effectiveness depends on the constancy of the sound, not the qualities of the music." Played at a certain volume, she said, "it simply prevents people from thinking." Among the tracks used against detainees: Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A.," Queen's "We Are the Champions," Don McLean's "American Pie," Nine Inch Nails' "March of the Pigs," the theme from Sesame Street, and the godforsaken Meow Mix jingle; one former prisoner told Human Rights Watch that he had been forced to listen to Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady" for 20 days straight. While the unwitting composers and performers of "torture music" seek the release of the names of all songs used and consider their legal options, a White House spokesman confirmed that music is no longer used as an instrument of torture.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24 Today the 2009 Swine Flu Outbreak officially became a national emergency via a declaration signed last night by President Obama and announced this morning by the White House. As the Associated Press reports, "Administration officials said the declaration was not in response to any single development... [but] a preemptive move designed to make decisions easier when they need to be made." Over 1,000 people in the U.S.—including almost 100 children—have died from the H1N1 flu, and 46 states have "widespread flu activity." Get your vaccination if you can and want to, and wash your hands all the time whether you want to or not.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25 The week ends with the deadliest day in Iraq since 2007, as a pair of suicide bombers targeted the Baghdad Provincial Administration building and the Justice Ministry, killing at least 155 people and injuring hundreds more.

Thanks to everyone at the glitzy new Swedish Orthopedic Institute for being so nice to my visiting mom. Everyone else, send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.