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Last Days

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MONDAY, DECEMBER 6 The week begins with this beguiling story about the mysterious ways of the Lord. Earlier this year, Alabama skinhead Steve Mullins was found guilty and sentenced to life without parole for his part in the brutal murder of Billy Jack Gaither, a gay resident of Sylacauga, Alabama. In a prison interview broadcast today on ABC's 20/20, Mullins announced that God has forgiven him for the murder, while his victim will spend eternity in Hell for being a homosexual. "It just seemed like the thing to do," said Mullins of his decision to lure Gaither from a bar, cut his throat with a pocketknife, beat him to death with an axe handle, then set his corpse aflame in a ditch. "It didn't seem any different than waking up and saying, 'I'm going to the grocery store this afternoon.' I didn't think he needed to live any longer." Mullins contends that Gaither knowingly invoked Mullins' rage by sexually propositioning him; however, at a co-defendant's trial, witnesses testified that Mullins had willingly participated in homosexual activities in the past. As for Mullins' professed alliance with God, Last Days is happy that the murderous skinhead has found a way to ease his troubled soul, and hopes the Almighty continues to offer His divine sanction as Mullins is cornered in the prison basement, bent over a washtub, and repeatedly sodomized by a 250-lb. serial killer named Thor.


TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7 As the soiled Emerald City did its best to tidy up after the WTO conference, this week the rest of the world's media weighed in with a variety of thought pieces on "the Battle in Seattle." Today brought one of the more interesting essays, from psychotic scholar Camille Paglia in the online magazine Salon. After rightfully dissing Seattle's "astonishingly ill-prepared and inept police force," Paglia went on to blame the WTO chaos (co-created by the anarchists and the authorities) for ruining the Democratic Party's chances of winning the White House in 2000. Claiming that the street riots at the 1968 Democratic Convention cost Democratic nominee Hubert Humphrey the election, Paglia concludes, "When law and order break down, it's liberalism that loses." However, the contentious Camille did have some words of praise for the protesters, whose "success in hamstringing the WTO will surely inspire more young people to social activism for a wealth of causes. I hope it's curtains for another style spawned in Seattle -- the apathy and whining asexuality of passive-aggressive grunge."

··Speaking of intriguing blabbermouths: On tonight's 11:00 p.m. KING 5 news broadcast, sports reporter Paul Silvi took it upon himself to liven up the conventional proceedings with an absolutely filthy joke. While reporting on convicted rapist/professional boxer Mike Tyson's troubles with animal rights groups over his in-house collection of ferrets, the cute 'n' smiley Silvi offered this sassy aside: "There is no truth to the rumors that Richard Gere was a frequent houseguest." Contacted afterwards by an admiring Last Days, Silvi revealed that his inspired comment drew gasps and guffaws from the technical crew -- but had to be explained to anchors Dennis Bounds and Lori Matsukawa during the commercial break. So far, Silvi has received no negative feedback, and offers this justification for his off-color crack: "Anyone who stays up till 11:30 to watch a sportscast deserves a little something extra." Last Days couldn't agree more, particularly when that "something extra" makes reference to the fabled contents of a celebrity's anus.


WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8 Today in Mexico City, resurrected rock star Carlos Santana revealed that the Virgin of Guadalupe -- the Mexican version of the Virgin Mary and the country's most revered religious figure -- had visited him while praying, and offered the pot-smoking rocker her complete approval. "She said, 'Calm down, breathe; I am very proud and happy with you,'" Santana told a packed news conference. "My heart was transformed into a bird of fire that only wanted to fly and go toward her." Santana's mystical confession was met with skepticism by many in attendance, including one reporter who griped, "The Virgin Mary didn't even say so much to Juan Diego," and several others who accused Santana of being under the influence of drugs.

··Also today: KING 5 sportcaster Paul Silvi strikes again. Apparently drunk with the success of his Richard Gere comment, tonight the sassy Silvi continued his verbal assault on all that is good and decent, wrapping up a report on a woman juggler by saying, "That chick's got a lot of balls." No, we are not making that up, and yes, we do fear that Silvi has Tourette's Syndrome.


THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9 Having already procured the rights to Magic: The Gathering and Dungeons & Dragons, today the Renton-based company Wizards of the Coast continued its quest for world domination of all things geeky by acquiring the exclusive license to create games based on the Star Wars movies. Company officials did not disclose the value of the deal, but did say the first games and accessories will be available in the fall of 2000, including an interactive Phantom Menace pod race video game, the Boba Fett home perm kit, and the "pin the tail on the donkey" spin-off, "Shoot Jar-Jar Binks in the Face."

··Also tonight: Last Days eagerly tuned into King 5's 11:00 newscast, hoping to catch the latest transgression of sportscaster Paul Silvi. However, rather than appearing in blackface or instructing Jeff Renner to pull his finger, Silvi earnestly reported on the career-ending injury of Charles Barkley.


FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10 Oh, goody: Today two private Y2K watchdog groups announced that a freakishly large number of U.S. drinking water providers and sewage treatment plants have failed to complete their preparations for the Year 2000 computer glitch. Reuters reports that the Natural Resources Defense Council and the Center for Y2K & Society found that fewer than half of the drinking water utilities and only 14% of wastewater plants have completed all phases of Y2K preparations -- a failure that could lead to over- or under-treated drinking water and an overflow of untreated sewage. While Last Days struggles to remain optimistic, we have to admit a certain morbid fascination with the possibility of Y2K sewage problems, as nothing can tear down the barriers between rich and poor, male and female, and white and non-white more effectively than a failure of sewage services. As John Stuart Mill once said, "Fecal matter is the great equalizer." Stock up on water and rent yourself a Honey Bucket.


SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11 Nothing happened today.


SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12 Today was absolutely gorgeous, with every second of Seattle's six-and-a-half hours of daylight packed with luscious sunshine. However, while driving downtown in mid-afternoon, Last Days saw something that not only ruined our lovely day, but also forced us to reconsider our position against the death penalty: a vanity license plate. The plate was mounted on a shiny Ford Explorer. The plate said TWUCKEE. It made us want to die.

I was kidding about the limber intern. Send your Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com or phone the 24-hour Hot Tips hotline at 323 -7101 ext. 3113.

 

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