MONDAY, DECEMBER 14 This week of convicted killers, hoarded corpses, and drunken 4-year-old transvestites wreaking Christmas- related mayhem kicks off in South Seattle, where today a 52-year-old man was stabbed in the stomach and then caught a bus. Details come from Seattlepi.com, which reports the stabbing action went down around 11:00 p.m. on Rainier Avenue South, where the aforementioned 52-year-old was walking when he noticed a man following him and muttering to himself in Spanish. When the man turned to confront the mutterer, the mutterer stabbed the man in the stomach, after which the stabber fled on foot while the stabbee boarded a northbound Metro bus, whose driver kindly called for help. At Rainier and South Edmunds Street, the bus pulled over to pass the stabbed man over to firefighters, who treated the man's wounds and then took him to Harborview. At Rainier and South Kenyon Street, police apprehended the alleged attacker, a 25-year-old man from whom they seized a 10-inch butcher knife and whom they then hauled to jail. The stabbed man is expected to make a full recovery.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15 The week continues with a story destined to be a new holiday classic, which commenced early this morning in Chattanooga, Tennessee, where 21-year-old April Wright awoke just before 2:00 a.m. to realize her son, Hayden, was missing. Lucky for all, 4-year-old Hayden Wright was soon found right outside the house and unharmed. Lucky for Last Days, 4-year-old Hayden Wright was found drinking a can of beer and wearing a little girl's dress he'd stolen from underneath a neighbor's Christmas tree. Details on 2009's preeminent transvestite toddler boozehound burglar come from the Associated Press, which reports young Hayden managed to flee his house by breaking a childproof doorknob, got the beer from a cooler in the backyard, and burgled the neighbor's house after finding an unlocked door. Soon after, he was found by his mother, who rushed him to the hospital for treatment for alcohol consumption. "My biggest concern was him being out there, getting kidnapped, getting run over, the alcohol, having to have his stomach pumped," Wright told Chattanooga's WTVC-TV, adding the heartbreaking detail that Hayden "wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is." Following satisfactory reports from Hayden's doctor and a child protective services worker, Hayden was returned to his mother.
•• Meanwhile in Seattle: Today brought some long-awaited justice in the 2006 shootings at the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle. This morning, a King County jury found shooter Naveed Haq guilty of aggravated first-degree murder, five counts of attempted first-degree murder, one count of unlawful imprisonment, and one count of malicious harassment. "Haq has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity, and the defense produced several mental-health experts who testified that he was mentally ill," reports the Seattle Times. "Prosecutors agreed that Haq has a mental illness, but contended that he was sane when he entered the federation and opened fire." "He wanted to kill these women," said prosecutor Erin Ehlert in her closing argument. "He knew exactly what his intent was when he walked in there. He planned this." Thanks to the jury for today's first-degree murder conviction, which guarantees Haq will be sentenced to life in prison. Good fucking riddance.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16 Harking back to Last Days' hot topics of yore, today brings a tale of good old-fashioned corpse hoarding, straight out of North Carolina, where today 47-year-old Amy Stewart was charged with felony concealment of death after allegedly hiding her elderly mother's corpse in her family's home for months. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports Stewart was charged one day after a 911 caller reported that 87-year-old Blanche Roth was unconscious and not breathing. Police arrived to find the elderly Ms. Roth dead in her bed, with authorities estimating the woman took her last breath in May. Investigators say they're looking into Roth's financial records, with the possibility of forthcoming charges related to the handling of her benefits.
•• Speaking of ostentatious death: Today, the dream of a government-run health-care system for all died in the Senate. RIP, public option.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17 In kinda lighter news: The week continues with an update to last week's column, in which we reported the rape of a medical worker at the 600 Broadway Medical Center, who told police she'd gone to the parking garage to retrieve her cell phone from her car when she was grabbed by a masked stranger who raped her and then fled. Today brought a crucial development in the would-be case, as the Seattle Police Department revealed that the woman had given officers a false report and the rape never happened. "Detectives said they believe the victim suffers from medical issues and she was not raped," reports KIRO-TV. "They will not be pursuing any charges."
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18 Speaking of on-again, off-again crimes: Today brings a shocking story from the gates of Auschwitz, where today a band of thieves shocked the world by making off with the 16-foot, 90-pound steel sign bearing the slogan "Arbeit Macht Frei" ("Work Sets You Free") that adorns the entrance to the one-time death camp, where more than a million people (the vast majority of them Jewish) were executed during World War II. By midday, Poland will announce a state of emergency, intensifying border patrols and authorizing random police checks as part of a nationwide hunt for the stolen sign, and by Sunday, the sign will be back in the country's possession, with Kraków police announcing their recovery of the sign from a group of five men aged 20 to 39 in the north of Poland. (According to the Agence France-Presse, the men were not neo-Nazis, just extraordinarily insensitive thieves.)
•• Also today: Washington, D.C., mayor Adrian M. Fenty signed a bill legalizing same-sex marriage, which is scheduled to become law in spring.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19 Nothing happened today, unless you count the last day on earth for Brittany Murphy, the 32-year-old Hollywood actress who'll turn up suddenly dead tomorrow morning of cardiac arrest. Murphy won Last Days' eternal love as the goofy regular girl with a heart of gold in Clueless and Drop Dead Gorgeous, then caused us to worry with her transformation into a stick-thin Meg Ryan wannabe for the new millennium in such nothing fare as Uptown Girls. Starting tomorrow she'll be dead, and before long we'll know why, and it won't be pretty. For now, let us celebrate the quirky young charmer who lit up Drop Dead Gorgeous with her honking laugh, voiced King of the Hill's negligibly intelligible Luanne Platter, and displayed more chemistry with Travis Birkenstock in that Clueless lunch-line scene than Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet did over the entirety of Titanic.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20 The week ends exactly as last week ended: with a near-fatal clobbering of the Seattle Seahawks, this time administered by the Tampa Bay Bucs, who battered the 'Hawks 24–7.
Attention Showgirls enjoyers: Under direct orders from Jesus, I'll be hosting a Christmas Eve screening at the Triple Door. Everyone else: Send Hot Tips to email@example.com.