MONDAY, APRIL 24 This week of deadly weather, courtroom grooming, and speeches that will sing through eternity kicks off today with three near-simultaneous bombings in the Egyptian resort town of Dahab. Blasting a promenade crowded with shops, restaurants, and bars, this evening's explosions took the lives of 18 people (including, but not limited to 12 Egyptians, a Swiss national, a Russian national, a Lebanese woman, and a German child) and injured 85 others (55 Egyptians and 30 foreigners of various nationalities, including four Americans). Coming a day after Osama bin Laden's new tape warning of violence against Westerners, the explosions were naturally suspected to be the work of al Qaeda. But on Wednesday, when Egyptian authorities tell CNN of the 10 people being held in connection with the Dahab bombings, officials will stop short of pinning the blasts on Osama/al Qaeda, saying only that there is "a connection" between this week's triple bombing in Dahab and previous Egyptian-seaside-resort bombings (which were also unofficially attributed to al Qaeda). Also on Wednesday, two suicide bombers will carry out another set of attacks on Egypt's Sinai Peninsula, targeting a multinational-force vehicle and a police command post in the northern part of the peninsula, and killing no one but themselves.

TUESDAY, APRIL 25 Speaking of regions routinely beset by fatal violence, today the Pacific Northwest wrapped up its month-long season of blood (featuring the gun-related deaths of no less than 10 regional residents) back where it all began: Capitol Hill, where tonight, on the one-month anniversary of the Capitol Hill shooting tragedy, an armed and troubled young man was fatally shot by police at Broadway and East John Street. Everything about the story is awful: After having an argument with his allegedly pregnant girlfriend on a Broadway sidewalk, the young man—described as "around 20" and "Caucasian"—reportedly threatened a passerby with a .38 revolver. Police arrived to find the young man brandishing his handgun in front of Twice Sold Tales. Officers ordered the young man to drop his weapon, and the young man took aim at the officers, after which he was shot in the torso and pronounced dead at the scene. Clearly, the deceased young man made a number of violently poor choices. But had he not been able to supplement his troubles with a gun, it's unlikely he would've wound up bleeding to death on the street.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26 Today the world was introduced to Harold Bennett, the 75-year-old man in West Palm Beach, Florida, whose life was the subject of a story in the Palm Beach Post. A retired professional gardener who once served in the military, Bennett was described by his friends as the most caring and energetic man they'd ever known—always helping others, always giving gifts, always smiling. Like many people-pleasing, flower-friendly bachelors-for-life, Bennett had a "longtime partner"—Harry Grimshaw, whose death in 2004 "took a lot out of Harold," said longtime next-door neighbor Judy Thompson. But when Thompson saw Bennett today, he was standing in the street, smiling as a light rain fell. During a neighborly chat about the upcoming hurricane season, Bennett took a few steps toward Thompson, who watched as the sky lit up with electricity and a bolt of lightning struck the back of Bennett's head, filling his mouth with sparks and killing him instantly. "He had so much life left in him," said Thompson to the Palm Beach Post. "No man as good as Harold should have to die like that." Granted, Ms. Thompson watched it happen, and God knows it's only a matter of seconds before some fundamentalist fuckbag attributes Bennett's death to our Lord's wrath and good aim. However, being instantaneously killed by a random bolt of lighting at age 75, not long after the death of a beloved, sounds like a perfectly dreamy way to go to us.

THURSDAY, APRIL 27 The week continues with the war on public grooming, that exaggerated-for-comedic-effect-because-the-actual-war-is-too-horrific-to-contemplate bullshit fiesta that Last Days keeps predicting will die out until we receive yet another report that takes it to a whole new level. Such is the case with today's missive from Hot Tipper William, an attorney who practices primarily in the field of bankruptcy. "This afternoon, while attending a court hearing with a client, I began to hear that unmistakable sound," writes William. "In the gallery behind me was an elderly woman, trimming her nails. My knee-jerk reaction was unavoidable—I gave her a look of stunned disgust. In response, she stared at me for about two seconds, then went right back to clipping." Determined to rise above the clippy provocation, William turned his back to the woman, after which he started seeing clipped nails fly through his periphery. "One landed on my shoulder," reports William. "No longer able to contain myself, I turned around and asked if she wouldn't mind grooming herself outside the courtroom. Finally, she stopped, but not before giving me an indignant look. In reality, I think she only stopped because she was done." Dear William: Thank you for sharing. Dear everyone else: The war against public grooming has entered the halls of justice. Stay tuned.

FRIDAY, APRIL 28 Nothing happened today, unless you count the grade-A dose of medical-grade schadenfreude delivered by the Associated Press headline, "Rush Limbaugh Arrested on Prescription Drug Charges." (He turned himself in, pleaded his way out, and continues to maintain his innocence. Still: "Rush Limbaugh Arrested on Prescription Drug Charges." It feels good just to type it.)

SATURDAY, APRIL 29 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 300,000 people who marched in Manhattan against the Iraq war, the scores of well-wishers and performers who took to Seattle Center to commemorate the lives lost in the Capitol Hill shooting, or the hundreds of people who camped overnight in Gasworks Park to raise awareness of the genocide in Darfur.

SUNDAY, APRIL 30 Every generation has its eternal texts. Jesus Christ's sermon on the mount. President Lincoln's second inaugural address. Martin Luther King's "I have a dream..." Fiona Apple's "fuck all you fuckers" acceptance speech at the 1997 MTV Video Music Awards. To this hallowed company we today add the address given at last night's White House Correspondents Dinner by peerless professional smart-ass/television performance artist Stephen Colbert. Invited to address a room full of the nation's most powerful people, Colbert seized his once-in-a-lifetime opportunity with relentless brilliance and brilliant relentlessness. Reading the transcript, Last Days was repeatedly moved to tears (the laughing kind). Subsequently watching the video, we were shocked at how not funny it was in real time. Standing before his largely silent, deer-in-the-headlights audience, Colbert was required to drive on by force of will, and it's not surprising that the few right-wing publications that deigned to mention the address dubbed it a flop—Colbert's 15 minutes at that podium were among the most uncomfortable moments ever gathered under the banner of comedy, and Colbert's fearless address is something a whole bunch of Americans will never forget. As for the mainstream media's insistence on acting like Colbert's address never happened: Shame on you. For those who want to relive the magic, see www.thankyoustephencolbert.org. (Watch the video for itchy kicks, but keep the transcript for posterity, as those are 2,000 of the most brilliantly hilarious words ever put in a row.)