MONDAY, FEBRUARY 7 Last week in Last Days, readers learned of the goofy gaffe made by the campaign organizers of New York Senate hopeful Hillary Clinton, who mistakenly allowed the R-rated Billy Joel song "Captain Jack" to play over the rally's loudspeakers prior to the First Lady's appearance on stage. Today, New York Mayor/soon-to-be New York Senate hopeful Rudolph Giuliani commented on the slip-up -- and set the tone for what could be one bitchy, petty, and utterly shameless Senate race. During a New York radio interview, Giuliani characterized Mrs. Clinton's rally as "a very, very orchestrated and scripted event" that "encouraged young people to use drugs and masturbate." (Joel's 1973 ditty features references to both smoking pot and wanking.) Answering Giuliani's desperate charges, Mrs. Clinton's aides reiterated that the music was not their choice, and were forced into making the ridiculous announcement, "Hillary Clinton is not in favor of drug use."
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8 A substitute teacher has been barred from Boston's Peabody schools after telling a roomful of middle-school students that Hitler is cool. Today's Boston Globe reported on the saga of the still-unidentified teacher, whose comment sent offended students complaining to school administrators. Asked to defend his declaration of Der Führer's hipness, the teacher said (and we quote), "I stated that I thought he was cool, that he was long ago put into the ground, that he can no longer commit the atrocities he helped make happen." Wisely recognizing this explanation as the stupidest excuse ever made, Peabody officials promptly suspended the teacher. School Superintendent Louis Perullo said he was pleased that students complained about the comment. "What this teaches us is that we have been teaching the right things. Hitler was an evil person, and the kids know that."
··In other Massachusetts middle school news, six middle-school boys in Quincy received 10-day suspensions after composing a mock version of the U.S. Constitution, laying out graphic sexual requirements for female citizens of the country. Today's Boston Globe reports that the 18-page document -- intercepted by a teacher last week -- contained no overt threat of violence or sexual assault, but featured descriptions of sexual acts the boys wanted girls to perform, as well as a rap that included racial slurs. Suffering from typical post-Columbine hysteria, Superintendent Eugene Creedon offered assurances that the pre-teen pornographers aren't believed to have weapons or access to them, and that the boys' parents are cooperating with police and school officials. All in all, a pretty dire turn of events for six kids whose only crime was proclaiming the right to bare titties.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 9 Answering charges of racism over their portrayal of alien races in The Phantom Menace, today Lucasfilm announced that it will seek a more culturally diverse cast for the next installment of the Star Wars saga. Most of last spring's racist complaints focused on the character Jar Jar Binks, pegged by many critics as a modern-day, computer-animated Butterfly McQueen. (While these charges of racism are far from groundless, they largely miss the point, as Jar Jar is an insult to all humanity, regardless of race, age, or sci-fi susceptibility.) At the time of The Phantom Menace's release, Lucasfilm spokeswoman Lynn Hale said it was "absurd" to interpret Star Wars as "a reference to the world that we know today," and that nothing in the films "is racially motivated." However, website Mr. Showbiz confirms that Lucasfilm recently met with several major talent agencies to outline several new roles for the next Star Wars installment, including a Native American character with a "forceful, spiritual nature," and an Asian character, "possibly trained in the martial arts." Worse, Lucasfilm has confirmed that Jar Jar Binks will return in the new installment (hopefully on a flaming spit).
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10 Hot on the heels of the suspension of Boston's Hitler-praising substitute, today a junior high teacher in Montgomery, Alabama was arrested for forcing a student to urinate in a classroom trash can, reports the Associated Press. The alleged incident occurred on Monday, when 13-year-old Ryan Calhoun repeatedly asked math teacher Carey Jones for permission to use the bathroom. After three such requests, Jones instructed the boy to urinate in the wastebasket. Disturbingly, the boy complied, moving the trash can to a corner of the classroom and wrapping a jacket around himself for privacy. Jones was arrested today for contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and was released on $500 bail. Unlike the bonehead from Boston, teacher Jones offered no stupid excuses for his action, saying only that he had been joking.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 11 Last week, Last Days issued a call for footage of Gary Bauer flipping himself off a New Hampshire stage. Today we received the answer to our wish (thank you, Scott Van Ness; Bauer's fall was even more satisfying than we'd hoped, and your wonderful, marvelous prize is in the mail). Now it's time for Round Two. Anyone who can provide footage of Bob Dole's classic tumble from a rally stage a couple years back will be the next recipient of Last Days' mind-blowingly fabulous prize. Send videotapes to Last Days, c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave, Third Floor, Seattle, WA 98122.
··Also today: While walking down 15th Ave E at 5:30 pm, Last Days spotted a puddle of water near the corner of 15th and Olive. Floating in the puddle was a single, soggy saltine cracker. It was the saddest thing we've ever seen.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 12 R.I.P., Charles Schulz. Today brought the death of the beloved creator of the groundbreaking, highly influential comic strip Peanuts. Schulz will be forever remembered for creating the first comic to reveal childhood as the complex, mind-fucky shithole it so often is, and for so generously bestowing his wisdom and support on several generations of up-and-coming cartoonists (even those who don't deserve it, like Cathy Guisewhite). In a final display of good judgment, Schulz promised that his strip would end when he did, so let us also extend an R.I.P. to bossy Lucy, soulful Linus, dykey Peppermint Patty, psychotic Snoopy, and poor, fucked-up Charlie Brown. In a final display of good timing, Schulz passed away the day before the final Peanuts was scheduled to run.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 13 On Friday, Democratic presidential hopeful Bill Bradley visited Seattle to deliver a speech at Victor Steinbrueck Park. Today, Last Days learned of the fascinating post-speech shenanigans from a Hot Tipper who will forever hold a place in our humiliation-loving heart. Following his speech, Bradley was met by Mayor Paul Schell, who offered his endorsement, then took him on a tour of the Pike Place Market. Upon reaching the fish stand, Schell instructed one of the fishmongers to pitch a fish at the former NBA superstar, which, to everyone's relief, Bradley easily caught. But when our cocky mayor insisted Bradley keep his catch as a souvenir, Bradley insisted on paying for the large, expensive fish. Under the gun, the fishworkers assured Bradley that the fish was on the house, inspiring Schell to announce that he was paying for the fish, and that the workers should put the price of the fish on his tab. "Mr. Mayor," said one heroic fishmonger, "after WTO, you no longer have a tab in this market." Schell turned beet red; Bradley did his best to ignore the slam; and a good time was had by all.
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