MONDAY, JANUARY 25 Like all weeks worth living, this one begins in Seattle, where the weekend brought a freaky kerfuffle to a local landmark: the Lusty Lady, downtown Seattle's beloved peep-show emporium, where naked ladies are happy to display what God gave 'em and fully ready to call the cops if you insist on getting creepy about it. Learning this lesson the hard way: the 27-year-old Seattle man caught by police while wriggling through the Lusty Lady's crawl space. As Seattlepi.com reports, the criminal wriggling went down just before 2:00 a.m. on Saturday, when the man climbed through the ceiling panels above one of the Lusty Lady's peep-show stalls and made his way into the overhead crawl space. The man was crawling across the glass ceiling above the Lusty Lady dance floor when his "legs came crashing through," as one lusty lady told police. ("Yes," noted Seattlepi.com's Casey McNerthney, "they have a glass ceiling at the strip club.") The creepy crawler—who police believe was trying to reach the dancers' dressing room—was jailed for investigation of malicious mischief and released today with no charges filed.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 26 Speaking of strenuous mischief, the week continues with Debbie Miller, the 43-year-old Wisconsin woman found guilty of extortion after putting a dead rat in her lunch at a swanky Grand Chute restaurant and demanding cash from the owners. Details come from the Appleton Post-Crescent, which reports the rat vandalism occurred in April 2008, when Miller planted the vermin in her lunch at the Seasons restaurant and threatened to alert the media if the owners didn't fork over $500,000. Then the fun began, as the restaurant's insurance company launched its investigation, with lab tests confirming the would-be wild rat was actually a domestic white rat that had been cooked in a microwave. ("The restaurant doesn't use microwaves," reports the Post-Crescent.) Today, Miller entered no-contest pleas to one count of felony extortion and a misdemeanor charge of obstructing police, with the judge finding her guilty on both counts. Miller faces maximum penalties of $20,000 in fines and over four years in prison.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27 Nothing happened today, unless you count President Obama's first State of the Union address, during which he reportedly said something about making good on his promise to repeal the ban on gays in the military. We shall see.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28 The week continues with what will certainly be remembered as the splashiest literary death in a month of splashy literary deaths, as the scythe-bearing skeleton came yesterday for J. D. Salinger, author of the classic novel If You Shoot the President, Jodie Foster Will Love You Forever aka The Catcher in the Rye, that eternally beguiling tale of phonies, earflaps, misplaced sporting equipment, sucky roommates, pushy pimps, misremembered lyrics, romanticized siblings, many phone calls, and uncomfortably stroked hair that will remain popular for as long as kids are forced to become adults. For Last Days, Salinger shares a mantle with the other beloved artists of our postadolescence—Morrissey and the Smiths, who, like Salinger, made work that struck us as impossibly true and deep during our teen years, but revealed itself during our adulthood as brilliantly funny case studies of adolescent narcissism. And while Last Days will always resent Salinger for creating situations in which we were made to watch our friends smoke poetically in bathtubs, we will always be grateful to him for giving us so much to think about at a time when we needed it most and for never requiring us to confront Holden Caulfield on celluloid. RIP, J.D.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29 The week continues in Wichita, Kansas, where today a jury deliberated for just over half an hour before convicting Scott Roeder of first-degree murder in the death of Dr. George Tiller. As you likely recall, the 67-year-old Tiller was one of the nation's few providers of late-term abortions until he was shot at point-blank range in the forehead by Roeder, an antiabortion activist who hunted Dr. Tiller down in the lobby of the Reformation Lutheran Church. "Roeder had wanted to claim the crime was justifiable homicide, based on his belief that abortion—in every case—is murder," reports the Los Angeles Times. Instead, Roeder was unanimously convicted of first-degree murder—along with two counts of aggravated assault for threatening to shoot two church ushers—for which he faces life in prison.

•• Also today: A man in Lowell, Massachusetts, was driving a lumber truck while eating a bowl of chili when he began choking on the chili and crashed the flatbed truck into a house. As the Associated Press reports, the truck will remain lodged in the roadside home until next week, when the entire house will be demolished and the truck removed. No charges have been filed.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30 Nothing happened today, unless you count the birthdays of the United States' first differently abled president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt (born on this day in 1882); Israel-bashing acting legend Vanessa Redgrave (1937); convicted rapist Mary Kay Letourneau (1962); not-yet-convicted warmonger Dick Cheney (1941); and hiphop's lonely stoner Kid Cudi (1984).

SUNDAY, JANUARY 31 The week ends with the meaningless music-related trophy parade of the Grammys, the annual awards ceremony in which a bunch of mainstream pop stars and some country acts you've never heard of take over network television for three glitzy hours. Among the highlights of tonight's broadcast: Beyoncé enlisting an angry-looking army to help her realize her transgender fantasies and execute an Alanis Morissette cover, a dripping- wet P!nk spinning Cirque du Soleil–style over the crowd and moistening dozens of A-list music celebrities, Lady Gaga going hilariously bonkers to "Poker Face" before settling into a sweet and dumb duet with Elton John, and the impressive gorgeousness of Jennifer Hudson. Among the lowlights: Jennifer Lopez's head, Green Day's Broadway-musical power ballad, the shameless parading of Michael Jackson's eerily possessed children, and Taylor Swift's duet with her crazy Wiccan aunt. Also: All of the choices of winners were stupid, except for the almost-plausible acknowledgements of Jay-Z's "Run This Town" as best rap song and Phoenix's Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix as best alternative album.

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