MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1 This week of honored officers, rigged radio contests, and triumphant Saints kicks off in Seattle, where today the front-runners for the title of the Pacific Northwest's worst parents appeared in court to face charges of criminal mistreatment of their infant daughter. Details come from Q13 Fox News, which identifies the allegedly awful parents as 24-year-old Sam Labberton and 21-year-old Brittainy Labberton of Bellevue, and identifies their alleged crime as starving their newborn daughter to the point of emaciation. As the Bellevue Reporter reports, the Labbertons' emaciated baby was removed from their home weeks after her birth and placed in foster care—but her parents' campaign against having a "fat baby" continued, with Brittainy Labberton accused of spiking her baby's bottle with laxatives during a visit with the foster family. "I'm not a bad mother," said Brittainy Labberton to Q13. "Ain't no parent that's got a right mind in their head that wouldn't die for their kids if they had to. My daughter eats more than I do." Arraigned today in King County Superior Court, the Labbertons pleaded not guilty to felony mistreatment and were ordered to keep away from their daughter.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2 In lighter crime news, the week continues with Ryan Keeley, a 26-year-old Seattle woman charged today with first-degree theft after allegedly rigging radio contests at KVI 570 AM. As Seattlepi.com reports, Keeley was employed as the talk-radio station's promotions coordinator during the two-month run of KVI's Secret Listener Salute, a contest in which listeners' names were announced three times daily, with name-checked listeners given 30 minutes to call in and win $1,000. According to prosecutors, Keeley was supposed to draw names from the station's listener database and hand them to the broadcast booth to be announced. Instead, prosecutors allege, Keeley gave broadcasters the names of friends/alleged coconspirators, who'd claim the money then share the winnings with Keeley. In addition to first-degree theft charges against Keeley, prosecutors filed second-degree theft charges against 14 others allegedly involved in the scam.

••Speaking of embarrassing crimes: Today in New Jersey, a 67-year-old man was indicted on charges of animal cruelty after allegedly fatally shooting his parrot when it refused to stop squawking during a televised NASCAR race. As the Associated Press reports, the alleged parrot murder was reported to police by the man's wife (who found the African gray parrot shot dead in its cage) and carries a maximum penalty of five years in prison and a $15,000 fine.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 3 The week continues with a well-deserved legislative response to the rash of cop killings that made the end of 2009 such a nightmare for the Pacific Northwest. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports the Washington State Legislature today honored six slain police officers before approving a number of measures related to the slayings. Among today's passed measures: House Bill 2625, which requires a judge to personally set bail for people arrested on felony charges (curtailing the casual booking procedures that allowed Maurice Clemmons to walk free and kill four Lakewood police officers); House Bill 1203, which would toughen penalties for those charged with rendering criminal assistance (such as the friends and family members charged with helping Clemmons hide after his murder spree); and House Bill 2519, which increases death benefits for the survivors of police killed on the job. The bills now head to the senate for further consideration.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4 Perhaps you've seen them: supporters of the political curiosity Lyndon LaRouche standing around in public with signs depicting President Obama as Adolf Hitler. Perhaps you've dreamed of shoving and/or screaming at these douchey LaRouchies but refrained out of laziness, fear of conflict, and/or respect for the First Amendment. If so, you owe a debt of gratitude to Henry Gasparian, the 71-year-old Edmonds man who encountered two LaRouche campaign workers at the Edmonds Farmers Market last fall and gave 'em what for. As the Seattle Times reports, Gasparian is an Armenian immigrant who, as a child, witnessed Nazi Germany's invasion of the Soviet Union and lost a brother and two uncles to the war. Over half a century later, Gasparian was strolling through the Edmonds Farmers Market when he encountered two LaRouchies bearing Obama-as-Hitler propaganda and lost his shit, at which point he yelled, attempted to seize the signs, and pushed both campaign workers repeatedly. For his outburst, Gasparian was charged with assault, and yesterday he faced the music in Edmonds Municipal Court, where the 71-year-old anti-bullshit activist pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and agreed to pay a $400 fine. About that guilty plea: "After the court hearing, Gasparian said he still believed he had 'done right' in challenging the two LaRouche supporters but was persuaded that a jury could find him guilty of two counts of assault," as the Times reports. "He said he also did not want to raise the memories of his parents, who withstood the hardships of the Nazi occupation, or of the relatives who had died, before a jury of strangers 'who might not care who Hitler was.'" "I think I did the right thing," said Gasparian at his sentencing. "But maybe I should not have been so physical." Yes, but hindsight is 20/20—and Henry Gasparian Commemorative Plates are only $19.99!

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5 The week continues in the United Kingdom, where Greater Manchester Police are hunting a man wanted for staining six different schoolgirls with animal semen. As BBC News reports, the attacks began in November and have continued sporadically ever since, with the most recent attack reported last week. In all six instances, the victims—all between 12 and 16 years of age—reported being followed by a creepy man carrying a bag before discovering they'd been smeared with liquid. "None of the victims was physically harmed in any way," said Detective Inspector Lynne Vernon. "But this is still a disgusting act and the person responsible must be caught." The attacker has been described as a white man aged between 25 and 35.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 6 Nothing happened today, unless you count the freakish amount of snow dumped on the Mid-Atlantic states.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 7 The week ends with Super Bowl Sunday, which Last Days' nerdy alter ego addresses in full in page 71's Party Crasher.

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