MONDAY, APRIL 3 Springy love is in the air, and to celebrate, today's Seattle P-I offered a kissy-faced guide to Y2K weddings. Seems there's something of a crisis going on, with countless couples hoping for new-century/millennium nuptials being turned away by overbooked dressmakers, caterers, and wedding venues. One proposed theory for the crunch: the zero factor (i.e. the ease of calculating your anniversaries when your wedding year ends in "00"). Straight folks' negligible math skills aside, the P-I's wedding spread was spiced up by the presence of a piece on same- sex ceremonies, written by the far-more-interesting-than-she's-ever-allowed-to-be-in-the- P-I D. Parvaz. From the joy of being married by your therapist (sure to become the lesbian commitment ceremony norm) to the klutziness of having to ask for two grooms on your cake, Parvaz's piece chronicled the ups and downs of being a hetero-aping homo couple -- and brought to mind some issues that have been festering in Last Days' cluttered skull for the past few weeks. In the wake of the shameful beating that "gay marriage" recently took on the California ballot, intelligent hothead writer Eric Rofes has called for the boycotting of wedding ceremonies by all justice-loving Americans. Rofes suggests that until all citizens are subject to the privileges of matrimony, attending or engaging in a heterosexual-only wedding is no different than frequenting a restaurant or club that explicitly forbids blacks or Jews. In our own passive-aggressive way, Last Days agrees with Rofes, and thinks much ugliness could be avoided if both sides of this heated issue modified their positions a tad. Queers: Stop using the word marriage, which makes boneheaded straights breathe territorial fire and is a fucked-up institution we should want nothing to do with; stick with "domestic partnership rights." Straights: Discern the difference between the religious institution of marriage and the secular rights that should belong to all taxpaying Americans, and vote accordingly.
TUESDAY, APRIL 4 Today some very bad luck came to some very good people as the Vashon Island home of celebrated local performers Kevin Kent and Mik Kuhlman was almost entirely destroyed by fire. (For those of you who live under rocks, Kevin Kent is the frighteningly talented improv performer best known for his Re-bar shows as Sister Windy and his year-long stint as the wildly metamorphosing hostess Cookie in Teatro ZinZanni. Mik Kuhlman is the beloved star of the Seattle Mime Theater and longtime mainstay of Seattle's fringe performance scene.) Fortunately, neither Kent nor Kuhlman were home during the blaze, which is believed to have been started by a faulty heater; unfortunately, at least one of the pair's cats died of asphyxiation, and nearly everything in the house was destroyed. Keep your eyes peeled for upcoming benefits for the Kent and Kuhlman fire fund (including a smashing Re-bar cabaret on May 1 and 2). In the meantime, if any of you who have been moved by the artistry of Mik or Kevin over the years (particularly all you zillionaire, Teatro ZinZanni-loving Eastsiders) want to throw some dough at the beleaguered pair, send it to Last Days at 1535 11th Ave, Thir d Floor, Seattle, WA 98122, and we'll make sure it gets to 'em.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5 Speaking of talented folks and fire: Late this evening came a brand-new Stranger, featuring a flamingly brilliant audition call for the upcoming, first annual, city-wide talent show! Curated and hosted by Last Days' dimmer-witted alter ego David Schmader, the show -- to take place on May 11 at Consolidated Works -- will feature celebrity judges, fabulous prizes, and a special guest appearance by that one-woman talent show, Miss Dina Martina. But more than anything, the show will feature talent, talent, talent -- and that's where you come in. We're looking for the very best talent this town has to offer -- from earnest amateurs to polished professionals, from little children to big fat adults, from unplugged rock bands and electrifying pet tricks to stand-up comedians and six-year-old blues singers. (Confidential to Pearl Jam: Yes, you are eligible for competition. And yes, you should give Last Days a call so we can talk you into it.) Auditions are Saturday and Sunday, April 22 and 23. To schedule an audition or receive further information, please call 323-7101 ext. 3099.
THURSDAY, APRIL 6 Oh, for God's sake: Today at an indoor track event attended by over 500 students in Hugo, Oklahoma, the mother of a teenage girl involved in an argument fired a pistol at the mother of the other girl in the dispute, wounding a bystander who was running for cover. Reuters reports that Sonya Bostic, 33, fired one shot at Ruthie Pearl, 35, to resolve their daughters' conflict (and in frighteningly close proximity to a gaggle of second-graders). No word yet on what the women's daughters were fighting about, but local police report that the Bostic and Pearl families had a two-year history of antagonism, and that the gun-toting mama Bostic has been jailed. On a slightly "up" note, the innocent bystander at the event was shot in the butt, which, despite the victim's pain and suffering, is always kind of funny.
FRIDAY, APRIL 7 Following yesterday's tale of gun-toting parents, here's another story of grownups co-opting kiddie culture. Today Reuters reported the case of an elderly German woman who -- obviously inspired by the rash of American children hanging out with their dead parents -- lived for four months with the body of her deceased, decaying husband. Munich police report that the 76-year-old man apparently died of natural causes sometime in December; he was discovered after his sister contacted authorities following months of his wife's insisting that he "didn't want any visitors."
SATURDAY, APRIL 8 Finally, something for this town of chronic low self-esteem to be proud of: Today the Seattle P-I reported on the five Art Institute of Seattle students who recently won the 1999 Best of Show award in a national student design competition, for their creation of a high-tech, futuristic wheelchair. Conceived after interviewing a collection of wheelchair users, the students' space-age booty-scooter features a single, gyroscopic wheel, a lift mechanism to enable the user to elevate to eye-level, and sufficient flexibility to let the user change positions, avoiding pressure-point sores and stiffness. Yay, Seattle design kids!
SUNDAY, APRIL 9 The week closes with the thrilling tale of Turkey's crybaby oil wrestlers. Today Reuters reported on the battle between the championship oil wrestlers of Turkey and the Turkish homosexual social group planning to attend the 639th Turkish oil-wrestling championships in July. Some history: The sport of oil wrestling dates back to the Middle Ages, and features swarthy, leather-pantsed men slathered in olive oil trying to pin each other to the ground, often maneuvering their hands down opponents' trousers in the process. Despite -- or perhaps because of -- the stark homoeroticism of the sport, the championship participants are seeking to ban the gay group from attending the competition. "It's immoral," said Turkey's Traditional Sports Federation Chairman Alper Yazoglu, who has vowed to do everything possible to "have this disgusting business stopped." Puh-leeze. As if looks could rape.
Hot Tip for snooty music hipsters: Pay attention to Fiona Apple, who is so much closer to goddess PJ than to goofball Tori. Hot Tips for me: E-mail lastdays@thestranger.com or phone the 24-hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext. 3113.
