MONDAY, APRIL 27 Following last week's harrowing parade of blood, violence, and death, it is with great pleasure that Last Days begins the new week with this soul-stirring tale of juvenile justice. Today on Capitol Hill, our handsome Hot Tipper Ben was walking up Pine St at around 5 pm when he spotted a curious sight: four large, apparently drunk, apparently homeless men heading toward him -- three staggering along on foot, one weaving along on a shiny children's bicycle. The full story soon became apparent as Ben spotted an even more curious sight: a girl approximately five years of age sprinting down the street after the men. As the girl sped past our Hot Tipper, he inquired, "Did those guys nick your bike?" Nodding in the affirmative, she raced on, overtaking the men and waging a fearless tug-of-war for the bike. Maybe the men were struck by sudden pangs of conscience, or maybe they were just too soused to tussle, but before our Tipper could intervene, the girl repossessed her wheels and cheerfully pedaled off. Thanks to our eagle-eyed Hot Tipper, and big-ass kudos to this intrepid young woman for whom Last Days predicts big things. (Substitute an idiotic Cuban American family for the drunkards and an adorable, mind-fucked moppet for the bike, and you've got yourself a young Janet Reno.)
TUESDAY, APRIL 18 Say the words "cosmetic surgery victim" and most people think "Cher." But today the Associated Press shed light on the hidden victims of the cosmetic surgery industry: burn patients. Here's the skinny: Federal regulations ensure that kidneys, hearts, and other internal organs go to patients with the greatest need, but skin is not yet included in these regulations. As such, a majority of the skin in our national tissue banks is used not to provide crucial grafts for burn victims, but to erase the laugh lines and enlarge the sex organs of the nation's vain and wealthy. This reprehensible practice frequently requires doctors to stretch available skin grafts beyond their normal size and to shop tissue banks nationwide for enough skin to save burn victims' lives. A fair amount of blame can be placed on LifeCell, a New Jersey corporation which regularly receives skin from about 20 tissue banks around the country. LifeCell estimates potential revenue from supplying skin for reconstructive and cosmetic surgeries at $200 million annually -- 10 times what the company could make assisting lowly burn victims. In defense of his company's glamour-over-graft priorities, LifeCell President Paul Thomas offers this sensitive statement, "The burn market is clearly less attractive."
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19 Tonight at sundown began Passover, the ass-kicking, unleavened-bread-eating, less-than-24-hours-long festival celebrating the liberation of the Jews from slavery in Egypt. For those out of the Jew loop, Passover came to be way back when God (via Moses) told the Israelites to prepare a special meal on the night before their escape from plague-ridden Egypt. Ever the connoisseur, God ordered a whole roasted lamb as the main dish; ever the bloodthirsty murderer, God sent the Angel of Death to kill the firstborn males of the Egyptians. Lucky for the Jews, God instructed the Israelites to mark their homes with lambs' blood, so the baby-killing Angel would "pass over" those homes and murder no one there. In closing, God told Moses that the Israelites were to repeat the meal each spring on the anniversary of their departure from Egypt, and many, many Jews keep the festival of Passover to this day. However, most of the Jews Last Days knows commemorated Passover by ordering takeout Thai food and watching some shit on the WB.
THURSDAY, APRIL 20 After nearly three weeks of edgy silence, today the seal came off the court records documenting the alleged discovery of a whole bunch of kiddie porn on the computer of a Snohomish County sheriff's captain. According to The Seattle Times, unsealed affidavits reveal that the private porno stash of Gary Lang -- a 42-year-old, 17-year veteran of the Snohomish Police Department -- was discovered several months ago by Lang's 17-year-old son, who was researching a school paper on his father's computer when he came across 30 to 40 files labeled "sex/children, beginners and incest" in the computer's trash bin. Court records indicate that the boy waited a month before alerting his mother to his find. Upon learning of the files, Mrs. Lang searched the family's Arlington home and found computer printouts of two boys and a girl having sex hidden in the pages of a hardback book on golf course landscape architecture. Mrs. Lang promptly turned over copies of the sexually explicit material to local authorities (most of them family friends), and on April 1, Gary Lang was suspended from his post. Currently, Lang is on paid administrative leave, and faces possible Class C felony charges.
FRIDAY, APRIL 21 Today was Good Friday, the day for Christians to commemorate the horrible crucifixion of Jesus, a very nice and intelligent man whose life inspired goodness in many people, and whose death inspired superstitious idiocy in many more. In honor of Good Friday, Last Days constructed a Jesus sock puppet and asked it some questions. In response to our queries, Jesus revealed that his most important teaching is "The Kingdom of God is within you," and that the gravest problem facing the world today is the inability to forgive. He also said that Hollywood movies are too long, and confirmed that the nails went through his wrists, not his hands. In closing, Jesus denounced the majority of capital-C Christians as name-dropping necrophiliacs and proclaimed the world's greatest band to be Sleater-Kinney.
SATURDAY, APRIL 22 In other Christ-related news: Yesterday the Kirkland Assembly of God made headlines by announcing its plan to butcher a real, live lamb during its Good Friday church service. According to minister Jerry Gaffney, the sacrifice of the baby lamb was meant as "shock therapy" to awaken parishioners to the hideous facts of their Lord and Savior's crucifixion. "No one cares about Jesus on the cross 2,000 years ago; but you all care about that silly little lamb I'm going to barbecue," Gaffney told the packed church of about 300 people last night. But today's Seattle P-I revealed that Gaffney's murderous brags were only a publicity stunt, and that the silly little lamb was allowed to continue its silly little life. Which only goes to confirm that most Christians are big, fat liars (and pussies to boot).
··In other, more shocking news: Tonight's edition of the television "comedy" show The John Report with Bob (KIRO) actually featured three amusing, semi-intelligent jokes! Hearty congratulations to whoever's responsible for this thrilling change of pace. Maybe next week, chronic misogynist John Keister can feature a woman in a skit where she's not cast as a boy, denounced as a bitch, or held at gunpoint with duct tape over her mouth.
SUNDAY, APRIL 23 Today was Easter. Glory be.
Next week: Last Days goes all girly with guest columnist Tamara Paris! Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com, or phone the 24-hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext 3113.
