From the Jun 8 – Jun 14, 2000 issue

Columns

Last Days

by David Schmader

Last week, Last Days was blessed with the single greatest gift a middle-income person can receive: cable television. This week, we plunge headfirst into the glamorous world of extended basic cable, from shopping networks and "music television," to round-the-clock news coverage and entrancing Mexican soap operas. Enjoy.

MONDAY, MAY 29 On our first day in the cable age, Last Days was unable to remain on any channel longer than 28 seconds, resulting in a fascinating collage of sights, sounds, and smells. Memorable sights: Jim and Tammy Bakker dragging their children (one hot, one not) and new spouses (dear God) onto CNN's Larry King Live, where Tammy Faye fussed 'n' fretted like a Grade-A tweaker, while Jim did his best to resemble a soggy lizard. Hilarious sounds: the we-can't-believe-it's-still-on-the-air jingle for Nair, the popular hair-removal lotion for people who indulge in "short shorts." Last Days first heard this jingle when we were four; only this week did we realize it refers to unruly pubes. Stinky smells: the sad stench of the new video by "alternative" band No Doubt, in which Gwen Stefani follows in the extremely recent footsteps of both Julia Roberts and the Dixie Chicks to portray yet another runaway bride; and the puke-a-rific reek of another stunning Lenny Kravitz couplet: "You make my life complete/You make me feel so sweet," delivered, once again, without any irony whatsoever.

TUESDAY, MAY 30 Tonight Last Days tuned in to a program that quelled any queasiness we felt about paying money to watch television: Comedy Central's The Daily Show, hosted by adorable wiseass Jon Stewart. Every weeknight, Stewart and his crack team of writers trot out the day's news events, then pelt them with an array of smartass remarks. If this sounds suspiciously similar to the work of Last Days (when we're not writing stupid novelty columns designed to enable us to write off our cable bills), the similarities stop there: Jon Stewart is far better dressed, better paid, and better groomed than we ever expect to be. On tonight's show, Stewart once again cemented his reputation as the best comedy host on television, doing everything the big-ass mainstream hosts do (showing up on time, wearing a suit), along with countless things they cannot. (Unlike Jay Leno, Stewart can tell a funny joke. Unlike David Letterman, Stewart can find his way out of an unfunny joke without dragging his entire show to a grinding, self-referential halt.) Jon Stewart racked up a number of extra-credit points tonight with his impeccable behavior during an interview with the unfortunately unfunny comedienne Laura Kightlinger. While Kightlinger sadly hammed it up, Stewart kept his poise, neither stooping to her level nor rubbing her face in her failure. Give this man the Nobel Prize!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 31 Tonight Last Days luxuriated in the quintessential cable experience of drunken channel-surfing, and while we clocked nearly two and a half hours of viewing time, we unfortunately remember little of what we saw. Some vague recollections: Cartman experiencing Vietnam War flashbacks and some guy playing a kazoo through his tracheotomy on South Park; a very concerned-looking middle-aged couple in a heated debate on a Spanish-language soap opera; handsome geek Peter Steinbrueck holding court at a televised city council meeting; and a deeply disturbing commercial for the video game Nightcreatures 2. Plus, in the seconds before drifting off to sleep, we spied a CNN image of Lenny Kravitz dancing with Bill Clinton, but we're praying this was just a nightmare.

THURSDAY, JUNE 1 It was 20 years ago today that a penniless young upstart named Ted Turner achieved his dream of creating a news broadcast that never ends, and to celebrate, CNN broadcast 24 hours of self-congratulatory recaps. Among the "greatest hits": the eternally upsetting footage of the space shuttle Challenger exploding. Last Days paid very little attention to this event when it occurred in 1986, as we were too busy writing Smiths lyrics all over our notebooks. However, 14 years later, the explosion footage still packs a wallop, particularly in revealing how mundane sudden tragedy can be. The movie Boys Don't Cry captured this quality beautifully, but newsy CNN defaulted to oversimplified hyperbole, deeming the explosion "tremendous and ungodly," and noting the "horrific agony" on the faces of Christa McAuliffe's parents. The footage tells a much richer story, capturing the surreal confusion of the blast, along with the heartbreaking stupor that overcame the McAuliffes as their expressions morphed from "This is the greatest moment of my life and I'm on TV!" to "I just watched my worst nightmare come true and I'm on TV." (These expressions were remarkably similar to those worn by all who witnessed the defining tragedy of the following decade--the awarding of the 1992 Best Supporting Actress Oscar to Marisa Tomei.)

FRIDAY, JUNE 2 Residing in the infamous "black hole" shadow of the Capitol Hill radio towers, Last Days spent the past year lacking access to even the most basic network channels. But flexing our new "extended basic" muscle, tonight we finally checked out the ever-popular Q13 Reports at Ten broadcast. Sadly, Leslie Miller was nowhere to be seen; in her place was Kerri Kazarba, a perfectly lovely woman in her mid-30s who--in the freakish "everyone is 25-years-old and gorgeous" world of Q13--might as well be a 90-year-old, wart-covered dwarf. But who wouldn't suffer in comparison with Ron Corning, the dreamy anchor with the face of an angel and the eyebrows of a drag queen? Or hunky reporter Lowell Deo, with his cinder-block jaw, fashion panache, and appealing hint of swish? And how about Tiffany Sanders, Seattle's only 14-year-old sexpot weatherwoman? Truly, the only unattractive people allowed anywhere near tonight's broadcast were two mildly overweight airline customers, offering their opinions on the Alaska Airlines debacle. (For those out of the loop, today the FAA announced that flying Alaska is about as safe as wearing a KKK outfit in a prison.) Luckily, the Q13 cuties are more than pretty faces-some of them are entertaining bitches, too! Tonight's winner is Ron Corning for his remark to Kerri Kazarba after she flubbed the pronunciation of the chemical name Diazanon: "We'll work on that, won't we?"

SATURDAY, JUNE 3 Today was too beautiful to watch TV. But if we had watched something, it most certainly would have been the pre-recorded broadcast of the inaugural meeting of the Aquatic Nuisance Coordinating Committee, shown tonight on that bizarre "local issues" channel.

SUNDAY, JUNE 4 As the week comes to a close, Last Days would like to reflect on the many things our seven days of cable-watching taught us. From VH1's Behind the Music, we learned that the Go-Go's were a bunch of drug-guzzling, back-stabbing whores--who are planning a comeback! From commercials, we learned that joining the Army gives you super powers, that fresh breath exists only if you exhale freezing bursts of ice crystals, and that some sicko has taken it upon himself to genetically engineer a strain of giant, hamburger-sized pickle slices. And from MTV's The Real World, we learned that both humanity and entertainment have sunk much lower than we ever feared.

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