The Week in Review
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 5 This week of intoxicating waste, horny satanists, and nationally incriminating statistics kicks off today with the greatest kooky-news story to bless the Northwest since that hippie chick attacked that guy at Changes in Wallingford for doing Coldplay karaoke. Today's players: a 44-year-old woman and a 49-year-old man in White Center, former lovers who continue to cohabitate, and aren't averse to some Cops-flavored lovin'. As the Seattle Times reports, King County deputies were called to the couple's residence around 11:30 this evening, where they found the unnamed male sitting on the front steps, exclaiming that his ex-girlfriend had bitten his lip off. As the man told police, he and his ex had been kissing when she suddenly bit off his bottom lip and "spit it out." Deputies found the lip on the floor—"It was covered in hair, but deputies determined the hair was 'likely from a cat,'" reports the Times—then rushed both man and lip to Burien's Highline Hospital, where doctors were unfortunately unable to perform a reattachment. Meanwhile, the woman was arrested for investigation of assault. The moral: Messing around with exes is always trouble.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6 The week continues with China's seeming inability to make nonpoisonous anything, which reached a freakish crescendo this week as millions of Chinese-made children's toys were pulled from shelves in North America and Australia after scientists found they were tainted with a powerful "date rape" drug. Details come from the Associated Press, which identifies the would-be rape toys as Aqua Dots, "popular toy beads [that] are sold in general-merchandise stores and over the internet for use in arts-and-crafts projects." The toys' safety was called into question after two U.S. children swallowed Aqua Dots and sank into unresponsive comas. Three more Dot swallowers were hospitalized in Australia, and scientists soon tracked the problem to the beads' chemical coating, a compound made from common ingredients that, when ingested, metabolize into gamma hydroxy butyrate, the legendary date-rape drug capable of inducing unconsciousness, seizures, coma, and death. Today the toys were ordered off shelves in Australia and tomorrow the U.S. will follow suit, sending shock waves through parents' psyches and the toy industry. "This is an extremely hot toy," said toy consultant Chris Byrne to the AP. "It's a little scary." Condolences and best wishes to the coma kids and their families, and congratulations to the world's horny pedophile date rapists, who've been inexplicably blessed with an impromptu golden age.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7 Speaking of ridiculous drug stories, today brings one from ABC News, which went in search of jenkem, the hot new trouble drug allegedly created by fermenting human urine and feces and inhaling the released methane gas. According to a bulletin from the Collier County, Florida, sheriff's office, inhaling jenkem bestows a "euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine, but with strong hallucinations of times past." The downside: "Subjects who used the jenkem disliked the taste of sewage in their mouth and the fact that the taste continued for several days." The problem: The lack of proof that jenkem exists. "We have had no confirmed cases," said Collier County spokesperson Jamie Mosbach to ABC, attributing the sheriff's office's interest in the drug to "an anonymous tip after someone saw something on the internet and heard something about it from their child at a local high school." So far, the closest thing to a confirmed report comes from the BBC, which in 1995 reported on street kids in Zambia gathering around sewage ponds to brew the drug. "It is in Africa, we know that," said DEA spokesman Garrison Courtney to ABC. "We've heard rumors and speculation about it here, but part of looking for trends is listening first for speculation. It is something we want to keep on top of."
••In equally freaky but far less specious news: Today also introduced the world to Rev. David Ajemian, the Boston priest arrested for allegedly stalking and harassing late-night TV host Conan O'Brien. As ABC News reports, Rev. Ajemian was taken into custody last week while trying to enter a taping session of Late Night with Conan O'Brien at New York's Rockefeller Plaza. Today, prosecutors detailed the charges against Ajemian, who stands accused of stalking O'Brien both online and at the studio, contacting O'Brien's parents, and sending O'Brien threatening notes on parish letterhead. ("Is this the way you treat your most dangerous fans?" wrote Ajemian to O'Brien, referring to himself as "your priest stalker.") If convicted of aggravated harassment and stalking, the creepy priest could face up to a year in prison. For now, Ajemian had been placed on leave by the Boston Archdiocese.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 8 The week continues with the stunningly awful news—delivered just in time for Veterans Day—that one in four homeless people in the United States are veterans. This incriminating statistic comes from a new report by the public-education nonprofit the National Alliance to End Homelessness, which based its findings on numbers from Veterans Affairs and the Census Bureau. Along with the high percentage of homeless vets, the report also noted their plummeting ages. As the Associated Press reports, "Homelessness is not just a problem among middle-aged and elderly veterans. The Veterans Affairs Department has identified 1,500 homeless veterans from the current wars. Some advocates say such an early presence of veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan at shelters does not bode well for the future. It took roughly a decade for the lives of Vietnam veterans to unravel to the point that they started showing up among the homeless. Advocates worry that intense and repeated deployments leave newer veterans particularly vulnerable." This pessimism is echoed by John Keaveney, a Vietnam veteran and director of a veterans-service center in Los Angeles. "I think they'll be forgotten," said Keaveney of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans. "It's not glitzy that these are young, honorable, patriotic Americans. They'll just be veterans, and that happens after every war."
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9 "For some reason, today I went to the Starbucks on Broadway," reports Hot Tipper Rusty. "I noticed a middle-aged woman sitting in one of the outside chairs. She was repeatedly kissing a cartoon picture of a devil man with a huge boner while simultaneously moving her hand rhythmically down her pants. It was almost as disgusting as the coffee."
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count the sad and shocking death of Donda West, the 58-year-old mother of Kanye who passed away from complications from cosmetic surgery, and the not-so-sad, not-so-shocking death of Norman Mailer, the 84-year-old father of novels who died of acute renal failure.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 11 The week ends with another day of headline-making antiwar protests in Olympia. Following yesterday's 12 arrests, today brought the arrest of three antiwar protesters and the pepper-spraying of at least two others, along with accusations of police brutality. For more on the ongoing battle in Olympia, see Brian Slodysko's news story on page 10.
Send Hot Tips to email@example.com.