MONDAY, NOVEMBER 19 This week of ill-timed advertising, Metro catfights, and massively heartening human redemption kicks off today with National Ammo Day, the 24-hour celebration of the Second Amendment now in its sixth year. As Ammoday.com puts it, "What is National Ammo Day? November 19 is National Ammo Day. It is a nationwide BUYcott of ammunition. The goal of National Ammo Day is to empty the ammunition from the shelves of your local gun store, sporting goods, or hardware store and put that ammunition in the hands of law-abiding citizens. There are an estimated 75 MILLION gun owners in the United States of America. If each gun owner or Second Amendment supporter buys 100 rounds of ammunition, that's 7.5 BILLION rounds in the hands of law-abiding citizens!" "It's about defense—defense of the homeland," said 21-year-old Ammo Day celebrant Chris Pierce to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, adding that he calls his semiautomatic AR-15 assault weapon his "homeland defense" rifle. For counterpoint, the P-I turned to Washington CeaseFire executive director Kristen Comer, who issued this rich and delicious statement: "As we approach Thanksgiving, we would better benefit from responsible firearms owners reminding the public of the importance of safe firearm storage. The safest place for firearms is locked and out of reach of children and others who might otherwise place themselves in danger." Happy Ammo Day!
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20 The week continues with the worst story in the world, courtesy of the Associated Press. At the center of the saga: Dexter Ford, the 52-year-old homeless man in Cincinnati indicted today on charges of rape, attempted rape, kidnapping, and felonious assault in connection with the events of November 8. That's when two motorists phoned 911 to report seeing a man on top of a woman by the side of Ohio's Interstate 71. Police arrived to find an unnamed 23-year-old woman, the aforementioned Ford, and an exceedingly twisted story. In short: the woman, a University of Cincinnati student, identified herself to police as an epileptic with a history of sleepwalking. That's what she believes she was doing just after 3:00 a.m. on November 8, when she allegedly awoke to find Dexter Ford raping her by the side of the highway. Police arrested Ford on suspicion of rape, attempted rape, and kidnapping; today's felonious assault charge was added in light of Ford's alleged acknowledgment of his HIV-positive status to his arresting officers. Farewell to Dexter Ford, who faces nearly 50 years in prison if convicted of all charges, and condolences to the world's unluckiest sleepwalker.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21 "Dear Last Days," writes Hot Tipper Badriah. "Today on my bus route—the 'reliable 11'—I was shaken out of my Zen moment by two women having at it. The larger one had asked the malnourished- and methy-looking smaller one if she might sit beside her. When the reply was, 'No WAY is anything like you sittin' here,' that was it. A slew of profanities followed, most notably 'peckerwood' and 'rat-tooth phantom.' The nails came out and the weaves were off—literally, as the smaller one clutched the larger woman's artificial hair. Finally the bus driver intervened and kicked the two off at the next stop, but only after being called an 'Uncle Tom' by the larger one. The driver told her that she would never be transported for free to her usual 7-Eleven again." Thanks to Badriah for surviving and sharing, and condolences to the larger one, whose big mouth clearly fucked up a sweet free-rides-to-the-store deal.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 22 The week continues with Thanksgiving, the annual celebration of comfort and gluttony we shall commemorate with the faith-in-humanity-bestowing saga of Edgardo and Edmundo Viniegra, the twin boys who first made headlines in 2003, when police found them locked in cockroach-infested cages at their Phoenix home. As Phoenix's KPHO News reports, the boys' parents—Louis and Etelvina Rodriguez—were convicted on child-abuse charges and sentenced to prison. Meanwhile, 5-year-old Edgardo and Edmundo were found to be unable to speak and labeled "feral children," then placed—along with their older, more functional brother—in the care of the state. Upon seeing the "caged twins" story on the news, Phoenix's Luis Viniegra told KPHO, "We cried and said, 'We wish we could help them.'" At the time, Luis and his wife, Sylvia, were in the process of becoming certified foster parents; a few months later they got the call to care for all three brothers. "My wife and I said what they need is a lot of love and nurturing," said Mr. Viniegra. "I said, 'Let's roll up our sleeves, change diapers, potty train, and teach them language.'" Even better, the Viniegras did it, overcoming seemingly insurmountable challenges and a lack of therapeutic experience to bring the once "feral" twins into happy and functional middle childhood. "One of our boys who had no language skills is winning spelling bees," said Viniegra. "The smaller boy is a fantastic artist. The oldest is reading at graduate-school level." A year ago, the Viniegras made things official, adopting all three boys. Thanks to the heroic Viniegras, and congrats to the brilliantly resilient brothers.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 23 "Dear Last Days," write Hot Tippers Tapir and Coin, in unison. "Today we were on a #49 bus heading south from the U-District. Sitting behind us was a guy talking really, really loudly on a cell phone. He was telling someone about the Christmas presents he was going to get for his kids. These gifts included 'a fuckin' Guitar Hero III game,' a 'fuckin' DVD of Apocalypto or some shit like that,' and a 'big fuckin' jacket.' After a while of shouting all this at a volume that allowed every passenger on the clackety old #49 to hear him, he yelled to his friend, 'Wait, do you have me on speakerphone? Whenever I talk to you, you have me on fuckin' speakerphone. When I talk to you, I want to talk to you. I don't want the little woman sitting next to you to hear all the shit I say. I don't need the whole fuckin' world to hear what I'm saying.'" Thank you, Tapir and Coin, and bravo, universe.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24 Nothing happened today, unless you count the return of fire to Malibu, where a blaze that began early this morning near Malibu Lake grew into a wildfire that scorched more than 250 acres and forced the evacuation of 100 homes. No injuries were reported.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 25 As readers and horny pedophile date-rapists will remember, three weeks ago brought the U.S. recall of Aqua Dots, the popular toy beads found to be coated with an industrial chemical that metabolizes into the "date-rape drug" gamma hydroxybutyrate when ingested. Today brought the triumphant return of the toy responsible for sending nine U.S. kids to the hospital, as a variety of Sunday newspapers featured a Toys R Us circular advertising the forbidden Dots, under the unfortunate banner, "Girls Gift Sale." "These circulars were printed and in distribution before the recall," said Toys R Us spokeswoman Kathleen Waugh to the Associated Press. "Absolutely, Aqua Dots are not available for sale."
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