MONDAY, DECEMBER 3 This week of exposed liars, improperly deployed carrots, and apocalyptic American insanity kicks off, fittingly enough, with a flood, as torrential rains and high winds colluded to beat the crap out of the Pacific Northwest, causing emergency-grade flooding in more than a dozen cities and counties in southwestern Washington, submerging a significant stretch of Interstate 5, releasing millions of gallons of raw sewage from overwhelmed treatment plants into Puget Sound, and killing three people. A Mason County man was killed by a mudslide, and two Grays Harbor residents were killed by a fallen tree and a power-outage-induced medical problem, respectively. (Additional storm-related deaths, reports KING 5, include two hikers killed in an avalanche near Snoqualmie Pass.) Now comes the days, months, and years of cleanup. Condolences to all who suffered in the storm, and here's hoping we're allowed a significant period of reconstruction before the next one hits.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4 Nothing happened today, so we'll revisit a story all but buried by yesterday's biblical flooding: the ongoing humiliation of Larry Craig, the Idaho senator whose vehement denials of gayness following his arrest on suspicion of sexual solicitation in a Minneapolis men's room continue to be mocked by third-party testimony. "Four gay men, willing to put their names in print and whose allegations can't be disproved, have come forward," reports the Idaho Statesman. "They say they had sex with Craig or that he made a sexual advance or that he paid them unusual attention." Among the quartet of admitted Craig-bangers: a tech consultant who says he had sex with Craig after meeting the senator at a Washington, D.C., gay bar in 1986; a former college Republican who says he was hit on by Craig at a Republican meeting in Coeur d'Alene in 1981; and Mike Jones, the former prostitute/Ted Haggard exposer who claims Craig paid him for sex in late 2004 or early 2005. But the creepiest story comes from an unnamed fifth man, a 46-year-old professional from Boise who declined to be named for "fear of retaliation," but offered the Statesman an anonymous tale of impressive twistedness. Long story short: In September 2006, the unnamed man (who "travels in political circles") was flying from Boise to Washington, D.C., on the same flights as Larry Craig and his wife, Suzanne. During a layover in Denver, the man said he was in a men's restroom stall when a hand came under the divider and reached toward him. After noting the reacher's unpolished, dark, lace-up shoes, the man waited outside the men's room and was shocked to see the shoes at the ends of the legs of Larry Craig. "Those shoes came out, and I looked up, and it was like, 'Oh, my God,'" said the man to the Statesman. Despite—or perhaps because of—his predilection for down-low toilet sex within shouting distance of his wife, Larry Craig continues to profess his heterosexuality, while Suzanne Craig continues to be the saddest woman in the world.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5 The week continues with the first instance of the aforementioned apocalyptic American insanity, as a troubled 19-year-old in Nebraska opened fire with a rifle inside a busy Omaha mall, killing eight people before taking his own stupid life.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6 In much lighter news: Today in Britain, a man made headlines with his wang. His PR secret: a metal ring, apparently cut from the end of a pipe before being wedged around the wang, which soon became engorged and endangered. As BBC News reports, the fortysomething man was rushed to a Greater Manchester hospital, where doctors feared his circulation-constricting cock ring might require amputation. To the rescue: firefighters, who used a mini hand grinder to cut through the ring during a 20-minute procedure. "It is understood the man was given an anesthetic," reports the BBC.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7 Speaking of British wang: Today brings the saga of Stephen Cooney, the 51-year-old driving instructor in Teesside recently convicted of an array of sexual misdeeds against his female driving students. Most impressive: Cooney's use of a carrot, which the budding prop comic placed in his trousers before telling his fortysomething female pupil that her perfectly executed driving maneuver had given him an erection. (For an encore, Cooney pressed the pupil's hand onto the veggie boner.) Another pupil testified that Cooney groped her regularly during lessons and offered to waive an 80-pound class fee if she had sex with him. Having been found guilty of two indecent assaults and two sexual assaults, Mr. Cooney was today sentenced to 18 months in jail.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8 Some things happened today, but none of them matter in light of tomorrow.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9 The week ends with more American tragedy, in two American cities. First up: Arvada, Colorado, where early this morning a gunman walked into a training-center dormitory for young Christian missionaries and opened fire, killing two of the center's staff members and wounding two others. Twelve hours later and 65 miles south in Colorado Springs, a gunman opened fire outside New Life Church, killing two people and wounding three others before he was killed by what the Associated Press identified as "a church security officer." Tomorrow, the New York Times will confirm that both shootings were executed by the same man—24-year-old Matthew Murray of Englewood, Colorado—and a variety of news outlets will confirm that "the church security officer" who shot at the rampaging Murray was actually just a church member with a concealed-weapons permit. "I knew I was given the assignment to end this," volunteer security officer/hero Jeanne Assam will announce at a news conference Monday. "I give the credit to God." (Soon enough, however, credit will be rescinded from both God and Assam, as police confirm that Matthew Murray died of a self-inflicted gunshot.) Condolences to family and friends of today's casualties: 26-year-old Tiffany Johnson and 24-year-old Philip Crouse in Arvada, and 18-year-old Stephanie Works and 16-year-old Rachael Works—yes, they were sisters—in Colorado Springs. Supplementary condolences to Last Days, as today's tragedies lend credence to two of our least favorite arguments—specifically, that Christianity is "under attack," and that the best defense against a psychotically rampaging gunman is a well-armed offense.
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