From the Aug 10 – Aug 16, 2000 issue

Columns

Last Days

by David Schmader

MONDAY, JULY 31 At 10:00 a.m. this morning in Philadelphia, the 2000 Republican National Convention got off to a compassionate, tolerant, and all-inclusive start, as the GOP strove to distance the party from its reputation as a crusty bunker for grumpy old men and recast itself as a glowing haven of empathy, hope, and dignity. Packed with more self-conscious multiculturalism than a hundred Benetton ads (and more artificially manufactured good cheer than a thousand raves), convention Day One was highlighted by a speech by Laura Bush--the thin-lipped, ex-librarian wife of George W.--who thrilled the faithful with rousing sports metaphors and euphemistic jabs at Clinton, and nauseated the tasteful with her salacious, ostensibly pro-education statement that "George comes home to a teacher every night!" Following Lady Bush was Colin Powell, who, in a rabidly pro-Bush speech, passionately sucked the butt of his intellectual, political, and moral inferior before warning his GOP mates that the concerns of black Americans must be addressed not only during election years, but "every day. [Republican concern] must be for real." The gushing Republican audience offered their applauding assent (not an easy thing to do with your fingers crossed).

TUESDAY, AUGUST 1 As the smart Kraut novelist Günter Grass wrote in his smart Kraut novel The Tin Drum, "Where there's politics, there's violence." Grass' theorem found a too-literal playing field today in Philadelphia, where, after three days of well-planned, mostly peaceful demonstrations against everything from the death penalty to the United State's freakishly disproportionate division of wealth, more than 280 convention protesters were arrested after violent clashes with Philly police. And while Last Days would like to report that these clashes were a one-sided event, with thuggish police brutalizing well-meaning, harmless lefties, it seems today's traffic-blocking, vandalizing agitators were the same type of lunkheaded freelance "anarchists" who helped make the WTO protests such a stupid mess. (However, in a colorful twist, Philly police found and confiscated a bus packed with hundreds of animals--including scorpions, tarantulas, skunks, and mice--believed to have been headed for the Republican National Convention, where the beasts would have been released "to create maximum chaos," as reported by the ever-drudgy Drudge Report.)

··Meanwhile, inside the Republican tent: Following yesterday's Rainbow Parade of Latino, Asian American, and "differently abled" GOP shills, today the Republican Convention took an even spookier turn for the warm 'n' fuzzy as the insatiable fag-bashing party of yore welcomed to its stage a real live homosexual! Openly gay Rep. Jim Kolbe of Arizona used his four minutes of fame to pontificate on the importance of international trade, and to praise George W. Bush for his promise to fight for lucrative free-trade agreements with China and other countries. And while no mention was made of Kolbe's pesky sexual orientation, more than a dozen members of the Texas delegation took off their cowboy hats and bowed their heads in silent protest during the fucking faggot's speech.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 2 Continuing our tireless coverage of the Republicans' Philadelphia lovefest, it is with great pleasure that Last Days announces the convention debut today of the man who single-handedly reveals the GOP's other-hugging moderate pose to be the gussied-up bullshit that it is: Dick Cheney, former defense secretary and congressman, current public-sector businessman, and perhaps, God forbid, future vice president of the United States. Never mind that his congressional voting record runs directly counter to nearly every key promise of the Republicans' campaign (GOP 2000 promises to teach every American child to read, Cheney voted against funding for Head Start literacy programs; GOP 2000 can't shut up about "dignity and inclusiveness," Cheney voted against sanctions to help release Nelson Mandela after 23 years in prison), Cheney wowed the crowd with pledges of "immediate change" in the White House, and repeated warnings to the Democrats that "It's time to go!" Speaking of "time to go," Last Days would like to remind the world that Dick Cheney is an elderly man with no conscience and a heart condition. Please pray accordingly.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 3 After three days of thrilling, scripted-within-an-inch-of-its-life buildup, today the big, loving Republican party brought to the stage its Great White Hope: George W. Bush, who delivered a platitude-heavy, issue-free speech, and happily accepted the Republican presidential nomination (which he wisely acknowledged as "an important step toward becoming president.") What can Last Days say about a man who's as fit to serve as president as we are to compete in Olympic-level women's ice dancing? Despite his inherent dumbness (and his snippy anger about his inherent dumbness), Bush played his part perfectly, presenting himself as all things to all people--the obvious answer to everything that's ever gone wrong in this country. Yes, he's a dolt, but no one's ever gone broke appealing to Americans' romanticism and amnesia, and Last Days would like to take this opportunity to stress the importance of keeping this man far away from the Oval Office. (And we don't care if Ralph Nader's your uncle; a vote for the Greens is a vote for the Republicans, so swallow your ethics and vote for Gore and the Jew.)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 4 Following four days of sickly Republican sweetness, Last Days rested today with several mixed drinks and a much-needed shot of insulin.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 5 With the Republican pep rally out of the way, Last Days is happy to return to our primary journalistic task, offering a collection of fresh dispatches from the war on public grooming. This week the war graduates to the national level: Jason from New Jersey reports seeing a woman shave her face while driving her car down Route 1 in Edison, NJ; Wally from Pennsylvania reports watching a young man blow snot from his nose into a public trash can in the Pittsburgh airport; Jesse from Seattle reports spying a man shaving his head on Metro bus #81; and Ann from Oregon reports having the sublime misfortune of witnessing an obese, shirtless man drag a spoon from his belly button up over his perspiring belly and chest, gathering a full spoonful of sweat, which he then shoved into his mouth. (Sweet baby Jesus.) Following these four latest sightings, Last Days would like to declare a formal moratorium on reports from the war on public grooming. For one thing, it isn't really a war, as our Hot Tipper soldiers are merely tattling the misdeeds of the enemy, rather than, say, actively severing the enemy's arms and legs. For another, we're bored. And while we are eternally grateful to all the Hot Tippers who aided us in our campaign, unless someone sees something truly extraordinary--Sir Mix-A-Lot self-administering a Fleet enema in front of Dick's Drive-In, Margaret Pageler bleaching her mustache while hopping down Denny on a pogo stick--Last Days is done with this topic forever.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 6 The week closes with a pair of Hot Tips from a pair of exceedingly trustworthy sources (one named Melody, one named Chris), each of whom swears on a stack of Bibles sitting on top of a stack of Korans that, despite its puke-inducing name, Liquid-Plumr Foaming Pipe Snake is a miracle product that will revolutionize the lives of home plumbers everywhere. Thank you Melody; thank you Chris; thank you Liquid-Plumr Foaming Pipe Snake. Now let's never speak of this again.

Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com or phone the 24-Hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext. 3113.