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Last Days

The Week in Review


MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
The week got off to a hip-crushing start today as a sleeping man was pitched from a Dumpster into the back of a trash-compacting garbage truck. The incident occurred around 3:30 this morning outside the University-District Safeway, when a waste management truck came to retrieve the contents of the store's produce trash bin. Unaware of the Dumpster's living, breathing contents, the driver dumped and compressed the load, breaking the hip and pelvis of the 31-year-old man sleeping inside. Upon hearing shouts from the back of his truck, the driver stopped and extricated the wounded man, with help from the fire department. The victim was taken to Harborview Medical Center, and the garbage truck driver was given the remainder of the day off.

··Also today: Big-talking, media-charming, 16-year-old Puyallup swimming star Megan Quann ferociously breaststroked her way to a gold medal in the Sydney Olympics. Congratulations, Megan! You are an inspiration to lazy, self-hating pessimists everywhere.


TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 With a kiss on the cheek and a tear in his eye, today George W. Bush made a campaign trail pit stop on Oprah Winfrey's show. After years of shunning politicians, the big O took her first dip in the political pool two weeks ago with a visit from Al Gore (who deigned only to shake the good woman's hand). Today Oprah gave the cheek-bussing Dubya the chance to win the hearts of her book-loving, positive-thinking, 98% female audience, and George did his best, relaxing admirably, laughing easily, and answering such hardball questions as "What's your favorite fast food?" (Answer: "A taco.") But despite our hostess' noble attempts to "break through the political wall," the interview remained a largely canned affair, with Bush expressing his desire to "tap the soul of America," and confirming his stance as a pro-literacy candidate (take that, anti-literacy lobby!). On the human side, Bush spoke of his deep love for both his wife and the American people, and managed to squeeze out a few tears while discussing the birth of his twin daughters. On the stupid side, Bush misused the word "fallacy" and mispronounced the word "formidable." Democrats shouldn't laugh too hard at Bush's flubs, however: Today Al Gore will be busted for telling two stupid lies--the first about the cost of his mother-in-law's (and his dog's) arthritis medication, the second about being rocked to sleep as an infant with a union song that wasn't written until 20 years after his birth.


WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
Speaking of busted: Today brings a whopping trio of shameful busts. Bust #1 comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where officials from the University of Wisconsin admitted to Photoshopping the face of a black student into a crowd of white football fans, in order to present an image of "diversity" on the cover of the school's undergraduate application. The crassly conceived, abysmally executed computer maneuver was discovered by a student reporter and corroborated by the Photoshopped man himself--Diallo Shabazz, a prominent student activist who has never attended a Wisconsin football game. University officials have recalled the application and offered Shabazz their sincere apologies. Bust #2 comes from Washington, D.C., where tongues were wagging over the report that John Paulk, the vehemently "ex-gay" man who serves as both the North American chairman of the conversion therapy network Exodus International and as an official for the anti-gay Christian group Focus on the Family, was caught cruising a gay bar Tuesday night in D.C.'s Dupont Circle. Paulk was spotted in the bar by a pair of staffers from the Human Rights Commission, who confronted and photographed the duplicitous weasel before Paulk fled the bar in a panic. An initial report from Focus on the Family claimed Paulk had visited the bar--which he did not know was a gay establishment--simply to use the bathroom; witnesses say Paulk sat in the bar for 40 minutes, drinking and chatting intimately with male customers. Paulk has since released a statement saying he visited the gay bar to do research on "the gay bar experience." Last Days hopes Paulk continues his sociological investigations with research on the "lying-ass faggot goes to Hell" experience. Bust #3 comes from li'l old Puyallup, Washington, where today a police officer was caught on videotape watching pornography on his patrol car's computer screen. The priceless footage was shot by a camera-wielding Puyallup fairgoer, who promptly sold the tape to KING TV, and who is Last Days' new hero. Police have yet to reveal the officer's identity, but, according to The Seattle Times, the videotape shows that his uniform bears the three stripes worn by a sergeant. The department is investigating the matter.


THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
We used so many words reporting yesterday's scandals that we hardly have any left to report today's. So if anyone wants to read about the Olympics' expulsion and medal-stripping of two drug-abusing Bulgarian weight lifters, or about the idiotic flub at the women's gymnastics all-around competition--where the vaulting horse was set five centimeters too low, ruining the gold medal prospects of both the favored Russkie Svetlana Khorkina and America's darling Elise Ray--you'll have to look elsewhere.


FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 Tonight in Roanoke, Virginia, a 53-year-old man entered a gay bar and opened fire with a 9mm handgun, killing one person and injuring six others. Dead at the scene was 43-year-old Danny Lee Overstreet; the other victims were rushed to the hospital, with one in critical condition. To make this tragedy even stupider, news reports reveal that the gunman--named Ronald Gay--is a Vietnam vet with post-traumatic stress disorder, who confessed to authorities that he committed the crimes due to lifelong torment over his name. (Oh, how we wish we were making this up.)


SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Tonight nearly 10,000 hopeful lefties packed into KeyArena to hear the words of the admirably ethical presidential underdog Ralph Nader. Following a two-song solo set by Eddie Vedder and a rambling introduction by Peter Steinbrueck, the King of the Greens gave a compelling 90-minute answer to the question, "Why the hell should I vote for you?" And unlike his Republican and Democratic counterparts, Nader mispronounced no words and refrained from telling any pathetic lies.

··Also today: Conclusive proof that no one likes a boring bigot. After only two weeks of shows, Paramount announced that it was halting production of the much-troubled Dr. Laura television show. A spokesperson for the show told the Associated Press that the hiatus was "pre-planned" and would be used to "retool" the show, which critics and viewers have blasted for being too tame, and too preachy. Good fucking luck.


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 Today was absolutely gorgeous, and to celebrate, Last Days took advantage of the final day of the Puyallup Fair. Unfortunately, we were accompanied by a bunch of lame-ass wusses who refused to ride anything but kiddie attractions, but we still managed to have a delightful time riding the log flume, eating deep-fried elephant ears, and admiring a Fir Cove alpaca that looked exactly like Svetlana Khorkina (who won the gold medal on the uneven bars tonight).

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