MONDAY, NOVEMBER 1 This week of three-time losers, criminal horniness, and a dramatically renovated House of Representatives kicks off at the University of Washington, where this morning brought a dramatic climax to a criminal saga that announced itself with a rash of thefts at UW fraternity houses. As KIRO reports, "The frat brothers at Pi Kappa Phi [said] they'd been dealing with a thief for weeks, and that other houses in the Greek system were also having problems with prowlers. Cash, iPods, cell phones and even jeans had been stolen, so the fraternity installed security cameras, knowing the thief would likely come back." This morning, the Pi Kappa Phis were proven right and then some, as their surveillance cameras caught a would-be burglar in the would-be act, after which a band of frat brothers seized the man and subdued him till cops arrived. Good job, Greeks. Your homosexual overlords would be proud.
•• Speaking of busted weasels: Tonight brought a bittersweet time capsule to Bellevue, as Dino Rossi and those who yearned to see him in the U.S. Senate gathered for a pre–Election Day victory rally. Despite the best wishes of numerous GOP spokesfossils—including former Republican senator Slade Gorton, who'll predict tomorrow's "beautiful dawn of Dino Rossi"—Rossi will spend Election Day and beyond eating nothing but defeat, finally conceding to successful incumbent senator Patty Murray on Thursday. Speaking of Election Day spoilers: Tomorrow's midterms will bring victory for Tea Party figurehead Rand Paul, California evergreen Jerry Brown, and everyone who wanted a Republican takeover of (at least) Congress, as well as defeat for legalized pot in California, privatized booze in Washington State, and dingbat witchcraft- denier Christine O'Donnell in Delaware. Still up in the air: the race for a seat on the Washington State Supreme Court, between polyamorous Nazi-impersonating incumbent Richard B. Sanders and apparent normal person Charlie Wiggins. Stay tuned.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 2 The week continues with the previously spoiled 2010 midterm election/Republican revolution, celebrated most heartily by an uneasy coalition of Tea Baggers and the Grand Old Party that must now negotiate closely with them, and by those who love to watch Dino Rossi fail. Meanwhile in Seattle, today brought the first steps toward justice for Juanita Wright, aka the woman accused of drunkenly driving her truck into five pedestrians crossing First Avenue South after a concert at Showbox Sodo. "Probable cause documents said Wright's blood alcohol level was .29 two hours after the crash, nearly four times the legal limit," reports KIRO. "Four of the victims were seriously hurt with injuries that included fractured vertebrae, a skull injury and pelvic and leg fractures. The other victim suffered bruises and abrasions." As for Ms. Wright: She stands charged with four counts of vehicular assault and DUI, for which she remains jailed on a $250,000 bond.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3 In lighter but still not light news, today we travel to Snohomish County, where a mom and dad are learning some hard lessons about the limits of family trust and/or parental stupidity after their entire family was busted for growing pot. Details come from KING 5, which reports the 39-year-old father and 35-year-old mother came to the attention of police after one of their children told officials at Everett Middle School about her daily marijuana-related chores. "Police say the kids, ages 12 to 15, admitted their parents directed them to tend to the plants," reports KING 5. "According to court documents, the 15-year-old admitted that she helped one of the parents to tend to the plants. She says she helped mix fertilizer, pour the soil into pots and trim buds. She said this would happen on a daily basis." Which brings us to today, when Snohomish County drug officers raided the family's house in Everett and seized 67 marijuana plants growing in a "sophisticated operation" in two rooms of the house. "Both parents are permitted to grow medical marijuana, but 67 plants put the couple well over their legal limit of 15 plants per person," reports KING 5. "Currently, there is no law to stop children from living in a house where medical marijuana can be grown." The kids are now in custody of Child Protective Services, while their parents face an array of possible charges, from exceeding growth limits to involving minors in their alleged misdeeds.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 4 The week continues with a blast of freaky drama in downtown Seattle, where this afternoon a young woman somehow got herself onto the roof of the King County Courthouse and spent several hours threatening to jump. Details only make things more heartrending: "The 21-year-old woman is an alleged sexual assault victim who was set to testify Thursday afternoon in the child molestation trial of Salvador Aleman Cruz, 40, at the courthouse," reports the Seattle Times.
"Cruz is representing himself in the trial and spent part of the morning cross-examining the woman's mother, who is Cruz's former girlfriend... Cruz is accused of sexually assaulting the woman when she was a child." During the three-hour standoff, the woman wandered via skybridge from the courthouse to the King County Jail and the county's administration building, while citizens below urged her not to jump. Ultimately, she took their advice, allowing herself to be rescued by the fire department and taken into police custody. The trial will continue next week.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5 The week continues with a story that would be morbidly hilarious if not for its soul-crushing desperation. The setting: the 77 Motor Inn in West Virginia's Jackson County, where an allegedly amorous woman was driven to allegedly criminal extremes. Details come from the police report obtained by the Smoking Gun, which identifies our protagonist as Melissa Lee Williams, a 41-year-old woman living four doors down from her estranged husband Danny Williams at the roadside motel. As the Smoking Gun reports, "According to investigators, [Melissa Williams] showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to 'eat my pussy.' While Danny Williams 'declined said invitation,' the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he 'agreed to perform at her request.' However, as Watson approached Williams, 'he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams [and] declined to proceed any further.'" Which is when Ms. Williams allegedly produced a knife, pointing the weapon at her estranged husband before uttering the phrase that will resonate throughout time: "Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I'm going to cut your fucking throat." Cops arrived to find all three parties apparently intoxicated and Melissa Williams naked from the waist down. Arrested on suspicion of domestic assault and brandishing a deadly weapon, Melissa Williams remains free on $3,000 bond. (Also, Last Days is required to point out that this case is predominately about the limitations of the human spine. Had Melissa Williams been born as bendy as a cat, all this ugliness might've been avoided.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 6 Nothing happened today, unless you count a half-dozen sold-out HUMP! screenings at On the Boards and 2010's last day with a post– 5:00 p.m. dusk.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 7 Ditto, unless you count 2010's first day of dusk at 4:30 p.m.
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