MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 The stupidest week in American history got off to a fitting start today at Pioneer Square's OK Hotel, with a hard-rockin', crowd-beguilin', irony-free performance by Corey Feldman. Readers may remember Feldman as the adolescent star of such '80s hits as Stand By Me and The Lost Boys. Tonight Feldman tried to shake off the residue of his ephemeral teenybopper fame by kickin' it hard and loud with his lamentably named band the Truth Movement. Before a crowd of gawkers, Feldman strutted his way through a set consisting largely of Corey originals, and by all accounts the results were very, very sad. Aside from the clunky, by-the-numbers alterna-rock that sent audience members streaming out in droves, there were the tour shirts, which proclaimed, simply and boldly, "Corey Feldman Rocks!" (easily the most depressing shirt we've seen since 1998, when we spotted a mildly retarded woman in a natty yellow tank top sporting the heart-rending phrase, "Guess Who's 40?"). To add horror to heartbreak, a shirtless Feldman closed his set with a cover of "Stand By Me." "It was pathetic," said an audience member brave enough to stick it out for the entire show (and drunk enough to leave his "Corey Feldman Rocks!" shirt in a cab on the way home). "It was as if he didn't have a friend in the world," said another would-be Feldman fan, "someone who might tell him, 'Listen, I love you, man. But this is a very, very bad idea.'"
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7 Nothing happened today.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8 Today Last Days' willful ignorance of the jaw-dropping idiocy surrounding the 2000 presidential election was besieged by news reports from around the globe, chronicling minute-by-minute the unfolding scandal in Florida. Bombshells fell every 30 seconds: Confusing "butterfly" ballots; zillions of miscast votes for Buchanan; yes on a hand count; no on a hand count; Haitians turned away from the polls; a missing box of votes in Valencia County; corruption, corruption, corruption. It was enough to make one's head spin, and to no avail, as this hideous mess was (and is) unlikely to be resolved anytime soon; plus, however it works out, we just end up with some unappealing goober in the White House. So, like all rational people who only want the best from life, today Last Days turned away from the mind-bending media bustle, got very, very high, and went to see Charlie's Angels. (However, later in the week the election hubbub will finally capture our undivided attention, as the media issues announcements of the presence of a large boil on the side of George W. Bush's face.)
··Also today: Last Days' favorite homosexual (after Gore Vidal, Eleanor Roosevelt, and God), Dan Savage, returned from icky, icky Iowa, where a bunch of pig-fucking county prosecutors altered the charge against the doorknob-licking, Republican-caucus-infiltrating sex columnist from felony voter fraud to a misdemeanor charge of voting in a caucus that was not his own. Savage accepted the swap, crushing the dreams of Court TV (who'd hoped to cover the splashy felony trial) but delighting the folks at the League of Women Voters, where Savage will put in 40 hours of punitive community service. Stop by and say hi!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Today Last Days has the supreme displeasure of bringing you news of the horrifying recent trend of young men raping young retarded girls. The first story comes from Marietta, Georgia, where police say that on October 13, more than 20 men and boys (aged 12 to 27) raped and molested a 13-year-old mentally disabled girl for 12 hours after luring her off her bicycle and into a partially abandoned apartment building. The Associated Press reports the crime came to light after the girl (whose mental disability remains undisclosed) returned home at 4 am and told her mother that "something had happened to her that shouldn't have." Twelve suspects have been arrested and charged with rape and child molestation. The second story comes from Berkeley, California, where, on October 25, a 12-year-old developmentally disabled girl was grabbed, beaten, and sexually assaulted by nine boys, aged 11 to 16. Police say the boys allegedly grabbed the girl on the grounds of the school where the she takes special education classes, and where all but two of the boys attend middle school. The Associated Press reports the boys then took the girl to 11 different locations, including bushes and a shed, and allegedly took turns assaulting her; police say the girl kept the secret for two days until her mother got her to talk. Seven of the boys have been arrested, and police are searching for two more suspects, all of whom face charges of rape, kidnapping, false imprisonment, and sexual battery.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 10 Here's something to help wash that yucky gang-rape taste from your mouth: This week the Hershey Food Corporation announced its purchase of Nabisco Inc.'s gum and mint businesses for a whopping $135 million. These businesses include Ice Breakers, Breath Savers Cool Blasts, and Breath Savers mints, as well as Carefree, Stickfree, Bubble Yum, and Fruit Stripes gums. "We are excited about the acquisition," said Kenneth L. Wolfe, Hershey's chairman and chief executive. "Ice Breakers and Cool Blasts are strong players in the fast-growing mini- and full-size intense mint product lines."
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 11 Today, in honor of our rightful new vice president, Joseph Lieberman, Last Days observed the Sabbath, the Jewish holy day of rest and reflection, which fulfills the third of the Ten Commandments and forbids observers from performing one stitch of work all day long. However, in honor of the man who will most likely be our new vice president, Dick Cheney, at sundown Last Days ate four cheeseburgers and suffered cardiac arrest.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 12 In a fitting close to the week when American politics turned into an unprecedented burlesque, Last Days would like to take this time to write about theater--specifically, good theater (no, not an oxymoron), on which we positively gorged this week. First up was the Empty Space, where we took in the preview of Charles Ludlam's Reverse Psychology, a so-so play in a good production featuring a knockout, Sean Belyea-directed performance by Shelley Reynolds, whose role as an innocently mercurial sex kitten (who gets a rim job onstage, no less!) gives her the chance to prove she's the funniest Seattle actress this side of Barbara "Funnier than Shit" Dirickson. Then it was over to Re-bar for Hedwig and the Angry Inch, the rock musical starring Nick Garrison and Sarah Rudinoff and wigs. With its ass-kicking score and hyper-talented cast, Hedwig's off to a smashing start; as it tightens up and burns off some schtick, it will only get better. Finally, it was up to spooky Sand Point Naval Base for Printer's Devil's Hedda Gabler. In a smart new adaptation by Paul Willis and the cast, the Devils bring Ibsen's Dynasty-in-Norway psycho-melodrama to life in a way that would have given ol' Henrik himself a Norwegian woody. Extra credit must go to Tricia Rodley and Heidi Schreck, both of whom gave exemplary performances in a show packed with good actors. However, extra, extra credit must go to Ms. Schreck, who, it must be said, fucking rocked, nailing Ibsen's entrancing sociopath brilliantly and perfectly; we can't imagine anyone doing it any better. If you like good plays, go see Hedda Gabler (which closes this weekend, so hurry up).
Send Hot Tips to email@example.com or phone the 24-hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext. 3113.