MONDAY, FEBRUARY 5 The week began as Last Days plowed through the Seattle Weekly's sad new column News Clips, which we couldn't help noticing bears a disturbing resemblance to our own li'l current events column, not to mention our In Other News section. Spookiest example of Last Days' undue influence (beyond News Clips' heartbreaking attempt at a "Fun Page!" layout): On December 10, Last Days implored readers to send in any info they had on Carla, the "punk rock would-be homewrecker" on Fox's Temptation Island. This week, Laura Learmonth, the leaden-penned potential prosewrecker of News Clips, offered her own rambling and virtually incoherent bit concerning Carla, whom she described as the "pink-haired potential home wrecker on Fox's Temptation Island." Hmmm. (Confidential to Laura: Watch your back! Nobody knows Carla like we know Carla.)

路路Also today: An archeologist, a team of chemists, and soil and gunpowder experts will examine the site of a notorious 1874 criminal case in hopes of determining whether Alferd Packer was a marrow-sucking murderer or your run-of-the-mill cannibal. The Associated Press reports that the now-deceased Packer admitted to devouring the bodies of five traveling companions while snowbound in the San Juan Mountains, but contended until his death that it was fellow traveler Shannon Bell who initially hacked the others into mincemeat. Obviously, Laura Learmonth isn't history's only tasteless, conniving cannibal.

路路And most importantly: Today innumerable Hot Tippers e-mailed that Carla Betz, the bewitching vixen with the Technicolor locks on Temptation Island, graduated from Washington's own Woodinville High in 1994! Sez John, "She was a cheerleader and I was in love with her sister." Thanks for the touching tip, John, although we're just a tiny bit bitter to learn that the pretty-in-pink temptress could be both popular AND punk! Oh, how times have changed since our long-gone, miserable adolescence spent in Saturday detention with the jock, the prom queen, the nerd, and the rebel.


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 6 The Middle East peace process was plunged into deep uncertainty today by the landslide victory of arch-hawk Ariel Sharon over Ehud Barak in Israel's prime ministerial election. Reuters reports that international reaction to the election was a mixture of unease and caution, as well as anger among Arabs who recall Israel's bloody invasion of Lebanon orchestrated by Sharon in 1982. "In any decent country, this man should not become prime minister,'' said 61-year-old Kamal Ibrahim, whose wife and three children were killed during Israel's 1982 bombardment of Beirut. President Dubya said that the United States would work with Sharon toward peace and declared the U.S.-Israeli relationship "rock solid."

路路Also today: The workplace violence craze continues to sweep a stunned nation! Reuters reports that yesterday, 66-year-old William Baker, a convicted child molester about to go to prison for stealing engine parts, forced his way into the manufacturing plant near Chicago where he had worked for almost 40 years and opened fire, killing four people and wounding four others. Predictably, Baker concluded his bloodbath by taking his own wretched life.

路路Also today: The school violence craze continues to sweep a stunned nation! Reuters reports that yesterday, police thwarted yet another "Columbine-style" attack on a high school, after an anonymous tip led them to white supremacy paraphernalia, firearms, ammunition, remnants of bomb-making materials, bomb recipes, and a hand-drawn floor plan of Hoyt, Kansas' Royal Valley High School. Eighteen-year-old dumbass cracker Richard Bradley Jr. was charged with conspiracy to commit murder and conspiring in the criminal use of explosives. Two other dumbass crackers, ages sixteen and seventeen, face the same charges.

路路Also today: Hot Tipper Dan e-mailed us that Carla is not a real person at all! "She's an actress. She left for L.A. as soon as she graduated and has had a bunch of roles on TV shows, mostly playing herself--the pink-haired grunge chick. She was on Beverly Hills 90210." Last Days is really crushed by the idea that the reality of reality television might be less than real.


WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 7 Today every news source in the world reported on the gunman with a grudge against the IRS, who opened fire outside the White House. Forty-seven-year-old Robert Pickett, an accountant from Evansville, Indiana with a history of mental illness, was shot in the knee and subdued by a Secret Service officer. Unfortunately, President Dubya was not shot and killed.

路路Also today, Last Days was thrilled to hear from Aaron, the actual tech guy who captured the sultry sounds of Temptation Island! On vacation in Hawaii with his beloved Piggy (herself a glamorous veteran of reality television, as any fan of MTV's Road Rules will attest), he shouted into his cellular phone that "I was too busy to give a shit about any of those people."


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 8 Today Last Days thought a lot about Carla.


FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 9 Today, after spending Thursday night in a fierce winter storm, a mother and her children were miraculously plucked from the mangled wreckage of a small plane on an island in Lake Michigan, reports Reuters. The woman, identified as Myrth Gault, was reported in serious condition, as was her nine-year old daughter, Emma. Her two sons, 13-year old Adam and five-year old Alex, were reported in fair condition. The family was en route to its second home, where Gault's husband, Robert, must have spent the longest night of his life.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 10 Today The Seattle Times reported the disturbing case of 49-year-old Kirby Wayne Lyons, a school bus driver with the Lake Washington School District, who was accused yesterday of raping a 19-year-old mentally retarded student on his route. The woman, who has the mental ability of a five-year-old, was taken to Harborview on September 11, where a doctor found evidence consistent with sexual assault. On Thursday, the Washington State Patrol Crime Laboratory matched saliva taken from the victim's body with the defendant's DNA profile. Which means that Kirby Lyons is doubtlessly headed to a facility where he will learn firsthand what it's like to be raped by morons.

路路From raping to rapping: Today the Associated Press revealed that Eminem, the brilliant but disturbed rapper, will cavort onstage with the sartorially challenged Elton John while performing a duet at the Grammy Awards. Apparently, Ricky Martin and President Dubya have finally made it acceptable for fags to dance with homophobes.


SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 11 In our never-ending search for the truth and gossip about Temptation Island's Carla, Last Days spoke to Hell's Belles bassist and Weekly-identified victim of "identity theft," Heather Madden, on her cellular phone while she shopped at Costco. "I'm getting some merch containers for our T-shirts, some notebooks cuz I'm in school, and some de-icer wiper fluid for my car," she told us. When pressed to respond to Laura Learmonth's assertions that Carla co-opted the bassist's persona, Heather responded brightly, "Why is this even an issue? Think about it... this chick's on Temptation Island. Who really cares?" And with that, Last Days must regretfully break the sad news that Carla is, in fact, no longer on Temptation Island. The object of our obsessive scrutiny has been booted out of the Garden of Eden to wander the hellish, soul-destroying casting calls of Hollywood in search of another "big break." Carla, we hardly knew ye. And that, dear readers, is enough of that.

Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com or phone the 24-hour Hot Tips hotline at 323-7101, ext. 3113.