MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 The week kicks off with a fittingly effed-up story from Perry, Georgia, where a most unseemly scene unfolded at the local Wal-Mart. Details come from the Macon Telegraph: After venturing into her Wal-Mart's curtain aisle early this evening, an 80-year-old female stumbled upon a man sitting on the floor. The woman apologized for stepping on his fingers, and the man explained he was participating in a religious ritual, for which he requested the woman's help. "The woman, now alarmed, complied with the man's instructions to stand on his hands and then spit," reports the Telegraph; for her compliance, the elderly woman was treated to an impromptu tongue bath, as the man began to lick her feet. At this point, one of Wal-Mart's loss-prevention officers came upon the foot-licking tableau; recognizing the foot licker from a photo taken at the Wal-Mart in Americus, Georgia—home to a similar incident—the officer confronted the man, who reiterated that he was performing a religious ritual, then fled. "It was so bizarre that we're trying to find what code section applies," said Perry Police Captain Heath Dykes. "We've entitled it public indecency at this time but we haven't had a chance to do the research on whether it would fall under any criminal act. It's definitely bizarre."
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 The week continues with breaking news from the world of wang, courtesy of everyone's favorite European urology periodical, European Urology, which reports the ultimately unsuccessful transplant of a penis from a 22-year-old brain-dead man (whose parents agreed to donate his organ and who is going to be pissed if he ever wakes up) to a 44-year-old man in China, whose body successfully accepted the new organ but whose mind freaked the fuck out. Details come from the Associated Press: After "an unfortunate traumatic accident" reduced his penis to a small stump, the aforementioned 44-year-old man was unable to urinate or have sex normally, and "[t]here was a strong demand from both the patient and his wife" for a transplant. The surgery was performed in September 2005, and medically, things went swimmingly. But 14 days after the transplant the recipient and his wife requested the organ be removed "because of the wife's psychological rejection as well as the swollen shape of the transplanted penis," as surgeons reported in EU. Clearly, swapping cocks is not an endeavor to be undertaken lightly, and had "adequate attention" been paid to the psychological concerns surrounding the transplant, "the need for penile amputation could probably have been avoided," say doctors.
•• In much kinkier news: Today also brings the story of William Mucklow, the 40-year-old man in Charleston, South Carolina, who stands accused of working the gamiest game in history. Details come from the AP: Posing as his mother, Mucklow hired a pair of home-health-care workers to care for a bedridden man with "the mind of a 2- or 3-year old." Mucklow then allowed the nurses to care for him—diaper changes and all—during which Mucklow repeatedly and "retardedly" grabbed their breasts. Today in court, Mucklow pleaded guilty to two counts of battery, for which he was sentenced to a year of home confinement.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 "As a Metro driver, I have seen a lot of freaky shit," writes Hot Tipper Kat. "But even some of the drama I've witnessed driving the night owls doesn't match this tip. I was driving my regular piece on the 15/18 line, and this particular trip the 21 inbound/15 outbound was particularly heavy. Not only were there a lot of tourists, but half of Ballard High boarded at Northwest 65th Street and 15th Avenue Northwest. It was more or less wall-to-wall bodies, and what do I find at the end of the line, on the floor in the back of the bus? A BLOODY FUCKING TAMPON. I'm not talking old and crusty here either—it was fresh. Who the fuck changes their tampon on a crowded bus? I had no other remedy but to kick it out the back door. Nail clippings don't even begin to come close. I'm still dumbfounded."
•• Speaking of impressive Hot Tips that could very well be the result of truth or dare gone wrong: "While driving west down James Street toward Fifth Avenue, I stopped at the light," reports Hot Tipper "K." "As I was about to turn right, a naked man—Asian, and wearing only a backpack—ran in front of my car. This was about 3:15 p.m. He was well-hung."
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 Nothing happened today, unless you count the amazingly terrifying high-wire act executed by the U.S. government, as the White House and Senate Republicans announced their agreement on rules for the interrogation and trial of suspects in the war on terror, with the Bush administration agreeing to drop an insane provision that would've allowed defendants to be convicted on evidence they never see, while preserving the president's dubious right to convene military tribunals to prosecute terrorism suspects.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 Nothing happened today.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 The week continues with conclusive proof that God is dead, or at least drunker than fuck, courtesy of an AP report that carries Last Days' recurring theme of horrific child abuse to a most grotesque extreme. Sensitive readers should proceed directly to tomorrow's item. Now. The scene of the tragedy: An East Harlem group home, where 18-year-old Savarin Dejesus had left her 3-month-old daughter Niah with a babysitter while she hit the town. Returning home, Dejesus reportedly vomited into a bucket next to her bed, then fell asleep with her daughter in her arms. Even nonsensitive readers might want to skip ahead here, as what comes next is brain-numbingly horrible. As police told the AP, the infant fell from her mother's arms into her bucket of vomit and drowned—a fact the mother didn't learn till the following afternoon, after which the girl was pronounced dead at the hospital, and the mother was arrested on charges of negligent homicide and endangering the welfare of a child. Clearly, this is the most horrific Last Days story since that morbidly obese woman had to be surgically removed from her couch, to which her vast, sore-ridden skin had grafted. The moral, as ever: Count your fucking blessings.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 The week ends with one more Hot Tip, this one from the wilds of Wisconsin. "There aren't a lot of people in the Madison airport at noon on Sunday," writes Hot Tipper John. "Which makes it theoretically possible that I was the only person to witness a business-y woman—well-dressed, good hygiene, walking with purpose—accidentally step upward onto a down escalator. You know how you sort of hitch your stride a little to allow the escalator to carry your first step forward? Well, when someone expects that but instead goes backward, their legs slide completely out from under their center of gravity, and a woman can go from walking purposefully to sliding horizontally off the bottom of an escalator in less than a second. Then, physically unhurt, she popped back up and sort of scampered to a nearby gift store where she stood in the doorway and pretended to shop for about 30 seconds before turning around and going up the proper escalator." As a fan of public falls and their hilarious aftermaths—our favorite is the sprightly little wave/jaunty jog that reflexively follows any sidewalk stumble—Last Days thanks John for noticing and sharing. 
Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
