>>Also today: A King County Superior Court judge ordered James "Omari Tahir" Garrett to keep away from Paul Schell, whom Garrett is accused of hitting with a megaphone on July 7. The Seattle Times reports that Judge Ann Schindler stopped short of giving Garrett the standard 1,000-foot restraining order from Schell so Garrett may participate in election forums. (Garrett plans to oppose Schell in this year's mayoral race, but remains in jail in lieu of $25,000 bail.)
TUESDAY, JULY 24 Here's something to set your anus a-clenchin': Today the Associated Press reported on the freakish procedure to be performed on heroic Yakima firefighter Jason Emhoff, burned over 30 percent of his body in Washington's Thirty Mile Fire. According to Emhoff's doctor, the burns on Emhoff's right hand are currently being treated with skin grafts. Unfortunately, Emhoff's left hand was too badly burned for grafts to work, so doctors will insert the hand through a flap of Emhoff's skin into Emhoff's abdominal area, where it will remain for three weeks, hopefully regenerating in that time enough fat and blood cells to permit skin grafts to attach. Hooray for medical science, and best of luck to Emhoff.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 25 Speaking of freakish procedures: Today in Suphan Buri, Thailand, thousands of people gathered for a drug-cursing ceremony, where they fired guns into the air and issued ritual curses on Thailand's drug traffickers. According to Reuters, Thailand remains one of the world's top heroin-producing regions, as well as a burgeoning methamphetamine scene--facts that apparently don't sit well with Thailand's citizens. "Drug producers and traffickers should be condemned to hell and should die by these shots and by the sword!" a pre-recorded message wailed while provincial governor Wipat Kongmalai threw chilies and salt on an open fire, and police fired semi-automatic rifles into the sky. And while Last Days fully understands the Thai folks' indignation at being a cornerstone of the international heroin trade, we would rather have our left hand surgically implanted in our abdomen than curse any byproduct of the poppy.
THURSDAY, JULY 26 Last week, Last Days told the story of Donna, a local pothead who was holding a bong in her house and freaked out when a cop car drove by her window. Today Last Days received a wonderful e-mail message from a Hot Tipper identified only as the "Pro-Pot Lawyer," who offered nearly $250 of pot-friendly legal advice free of charge. "First off," the lawyer writes, "Donna was safe in her house. Even if the cop would have seen the bong and wanted to contact her, all Donna would have to do is not open the door for the police officer. He would be forced to try to get a warrant to enter the house, and no judge will sign a search warrant from a cop who thought he saw someone holding a bong as he drove past. Only under very specific circumstances can police make a warrantless entry into a house, unless you are stupid enough to let them in. Which brings us to the next point: NEVER ALLOW A VOLUNTARY SEARCH OF YOUR HOUSE, YOUR CAR, OR YOUR BODY. If you do, you are a fool and deserve what you get." However, the Pro-Pot Lawyer offers the disclaimer that "many of these constitutional protections exist only in Washington state, as our state constitution provides greater protections than the federal constitution." Thanks a ton, Pro-Pot Lawyer.
FRIDAY, JULY 27 Today in London: Queen Elizabeth's goofy husband Prince Philip told an adolescent British boy that he was too fat to be an astronaut. Reuters reports that the 80-year-old Philip made the remark while visiting a rocket project at Salford University, after 13-year-old Andrew Adams said he wanted to go up in a space rocket. "He told me, 'You'll have to lose weight if you want to go in that,'" Andrew told The Mirror. Philip is no stranger to stupid statements: During a 1986 visit to China, he told British students, "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed!" And in 1995, he asked a Scottish driving instructor, "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?" Get this man a high-ranking post at the United Nations, pronto.
SATURDAY, JULY 28 Today Last Days enjoyed an experience that will undoubtedly be familiar to a majority of our readers: traveling to Utah to attend our homosexual lover's all-Mormon family reunion. As the first tangible evidence of their son's/grandson's/nephew's deviant ways to be presented to the family (and as a consumer of between three and 85 cups of coffee a day), Last Days was understandably iffy about entering Mormon country. But as soon as our feet touched that lake's salty shores, we were besieged with warmth, friendliness, and high-powered weaponry. First up was a morning shoot with Jake's 70-year-old, gun-loving grandmother, Shirley. On a dusty plain outside Salt Lake City, the locally legendary "Quick-Draw Grandma" blasted clay pigeons with an M-11 fully automatic machine gun, while Last Days, due to our general queasiness around things that explode, stuck to a Para 9mm with a compensator, laser-dot sight, and expanded 20-round clip. Then it was back to Grandma's house, full to bursting with dozens upon dozens of relatives, 90 percent of them musically gifted, 100 percent of them stone-cold sober. (Last Days offers special thanks to cousin Maggie, who smuggled us, underground-railroad-style, to an illicit coffee shop.) Never mind that these folks' weekly church tithes fund programs designed to deprive us of our basic civil rights--who's gonna argue with a smiling, 75-year-old grandpa who says, "Isn't it wonderful the way families grow and change?" while handing you a root-beer float, made with both homemade root beer and homemade ice cream? Not us. Yay for Utah.
SUNDAY, JULY 29 Nothing happened today.
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