MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 The week kicks off with a novel spin on the neighborhood drug bust, straight outta Seattle's Green Lake community, where residents have watched a stream of shady guests flow in and out of a trailer placed behind an otherwise quiet house for the past four years. According to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the house belongs to a 71-year-old woman, the backyard trailer is occupied by her 49-year-old son, and the around-the-clock parade of visitors convinced neighbors to suspect the son's trailer of being a hotspot for "drug dealers, drug users, and prostitutes." When calls to 911 proved fruitless—"[B]y the time the police got here, it could be hours later," said Green Lake block-watch captain James Cameron to the P-I—neighbors took matters into their own hands. Keeping detailed records of license-plate numbers and descriptions of visitors to the trailer since January, the neighborhood committee presented a synopsis of observed activity and a letter of demand signed by three dozen residents to the elderly homeowner in April. Not long after, neighbors confronted the homeowner in a meeting at the North Police Precinct, warning of a possible lawsuit and $100,000 in fines should the woman refuse to rid her property of the "nuisance." "She was in denial about what was going on," said Cameron of the homeowner, who eventually capitulated to the neighborhood group's demands and banished her son from the property, sealing the deal with a restraining order to keep her son and his "friends" away. "I think it was a marvelous process," said Cameron.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 Speaking of unimpeachably just protests that mysteriously struck some observers as blackmail: Following an outcry from citizens over the violently and unapologetically anti-gay lyrics of reggaeton artist Buju Banton, today the Capitol Hill nightclub Neumo's canceled the Banton performance it had scheduled for tomorrow night, with the show promptly rebooked at the SoDo nightclub Studio Seven. The Great Buju Banton Debate of 2006 is well-represented in this issue (see page 16) and on the Slog (www.thestranger.com/blog), and we shall spill no more ink on it here.

•• Speaking of rambunctious debates: Today in Wisconsin, a coffee-shop conversation about the state's proposed same-sex marriage ban turned into a shoving, punching, ketchup-throwing free-for-all. Best of all, the brawl was caught on videotape, with Wauwatosa's WISC-TV citing footage of a man in a suit pushing one customer, punching another, then hurling "ketchup bottles and other objects." One injured patron required five stitches, and is investigating charging his attacker with a hate crime.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 Another day, another horrifying tragedy at an American high school. The place: Bailey, Colorado's Platte Canyon High School, where today a gun-wielding psycho—identified as 53-year-old Duane Morrison—took six girls hostage in a high-school classroom, fatally wounding one and sexually assaulting most of the others before killing himself. But don't worry—following today's horror, America will not be made to suffer another such tragedy until next Monday, when another gun-wielding psycho—32-year-old Charles Carl Roberts of Bart, Pennsylvania—will take twelve girls hostage in a one-room Amish schoolhouse, killing three and critically wounding seven before killing himself (two more of his victims will die of their wounds the next day). Dear gun-wielding psychos: We'll reiterate this as many times as necessary: When planning a murder-suicide, please do the suicide part first.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 The week continues with just the type of story that makes adults fear teenagers, courtesy of KIRO 7 News. The setting: An apartment complex in Everett where a 23-year-old woman had driven to visit her mother. Finding a gaggle of teenagers standing in the driveway, the woman honked her car horn, inspiring the teenagers to pull the woman from her car and beat the crap out of her, in full view of her 10-month-old son in the car's backseat. According to the Everett Herald, the woman suffered cuts, bruises, and abrasions after having her head slammed against her car, with her injuries requiring a brief hospitalization. Meanwhile, police interviewed and released two girls, ages 17 and 18, who "could face assault charges" and arrested one 15-year-old girl; all of the accused attackers are believed to be students at Everett's Mariner High School.

•• Also today, a bazillion news outlets went nuts over just the type of story that makes teenagers fear adults, courtesy of ABC News, which broke the story of the sexually explicit e-mails sent by Florida Representative Mark Foley to his young, male congressional pages. Within hours of ABC's acknowledgment of the e-mails, Foley resigned, triggering an explosion of congressional creepiness and shameless GOP bullshit, from the texts of the instigating e-mails—which range from boringly icky ("What ya wearing?") to aggressively humiliating ("I always use lotion and the hand")—to the wealth of evidence proving the Republican leadership's knowledge and subsequent cover-up of Foley (the chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, who crusaded for tougher laws against internet predators) and his pedophilic lasciviousness. As for the aforementioned GOP bullshit, it's only just begun: By the start of next week, Foley will have checked himself into rehab, while White House press secretary Tony Snow will dismiss Foley's potentially felonious communiqués as a few "naughty e-mails." Meanwhile, the FBI will have begun a "preliminary investigation" of Foley's e-mails, which investigators say could earn him a federal charge of soliciting sex with a minor over the internet. Needless to say, stay tuned.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 Nothing happened today, unless you count the faux wedding of new mother/mourner Anna Nicole Smith and her faithful lawyer/alleged babydaddy Howard K. Stern, who exchanged vows in the Bahamas. Coming just one day after the announcement of her son Daniel Smith's cause of death—a fatal combination of Zoloft, Lexapro, and methadone—Howard and Anna's "wedding" has no legal weight, serving primarily to baffle everyone (nothing cures the dead-son blues like a new hubby!) while icking out those of us who watched E!'s Anna Nicole Show. Having witnessed countless interactions between weasely Howard and zonked-out Anna, Last Days can verify that any sexual congress between the pair essentially amounts to Howard politely raping his retarded cousin.

•• Speaking of disgusting images: Today the world heard a four-word phrase that never should have been: the Screech sex tape, a triple-X home video starring—and perhaps released by—former Saved by the Bell cast member Dustin Diamond. In the words of Plato: blet.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 Nothing happened today, unless you count a wonderful party in honor of the freshly married Mike Nelson and Jessica Charlesworth in Salt Lake City, Utah, and the return of allegedly safe spinach to grocery-store shelves nationwide.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1 Nothing happened today.

Dear Meg: So glad to hear you're okay. Everyone else, send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.