MONDAY, AUGUST 22 This week of high-drama conflict and zero fatal bear attacks kicks off in Tacoma, where today a 23-year-old woman was driving eastbound on State Route 512 when she had the desire to move from the left lane to the right lane. But, as KING 5 informs us, the right lane was occupied by a Subaru Outback, inspiring the jilted lane-switcher to give the Outback's driver "the bird." Then all hell broke loose. As KING 5 reports, "She flipped off the driver of the Outback. As she was doing so, she lost control of her vehicle and hit the back end of the Outback, causing it to run off the road and roll over." Silver lining: The bird-flipping, crash-causing road hog promptly crashed into a ditch, and all crashers/crashees escaped serious injury. The bird-flipping woman faces charges of reckless driving, for which Last Days recommends the death penalty.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 23 Speaking of ludicrous overstatement, the week continues with the most shocking story in the world. In reality, it's just pretty bad and could have been a whole lot worse if the would-be victim hadn't proven so sprightly with a knife. Details come from Seattlepi.com, which identifies our protagonist as a woman in her 20s who was waiting to be picked up by her mother outside a friend's house on Beacon Hill, when a neighbor—described as a man in his 30s—invited her to wait inside his home. As the woman knew the man, she accepted. "Once inside, the man tried to rip the woman's clothes off," reports Seattlepi.com. "The two fought, and the woman pulled out a knife and stabbed the man in the torso." Following the preemptive stabbing, the woman ran outside, with the would-be rapist chasing after her. "A neighbor heard screams and offered the woman refuge," writes Seattlepi.com. "The would-be rapist went back into his home, where officers found, questioned, and arrested him." After spending the rest of today getting treatment for non-life-threatening injuries at Harborview, the man will be booked into jail tomorrow on investigation of attempted rape.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24 Speaking of the alleged violent misplacement of penises, the week continues in Kentucky, where today a Shelbyville jury rejected a man's request for $16 million in damages following the amputation of his wang. Details come from the Courier-Journal, which identifies the man as Phillip Seaton, a 64-year-old truck driver who visited the office of Dr. John Patterson in 2007, reportedly to receive a circumcision. But when Dr. Patterson found potentially deadly cancer during surgery, he decided to amputate part of Seaton's penis, setting in motion a legal battle that ended with today's jury decision. As the Courier-Journal reports, "[Seaton's lawyer] argued that Patterson should have woken Seaton up and given him options... or at least consulted with his wife, Deborah"—a sentiment summed up in the lawyer's closing arguments: "Everyone agrees that Phillip Seaton... has the right to decide what is going to happen to his penis." However, once jurors heard about the aggressiveness of the cancer and the several-year estrangement between Seaton and his shoulda-been-consulted wife, the six-man, six-woman jury ruled that Dr. Patterson acted appropriately. "We felt bad for the circumstances," said jury forewoman Lydia Tapp to the Courier-Journal. "[Seaton] has our sympathy. But at the same time, he's alive today because this man did what he did."
THURSDAY, AUGUST 25 In much better news, the week continues with Rick Steves, the wildly popular Edmonds-based travel book writer and TV host who today announced his $1 million donation to the Edmonds Center for the Arts. As Steves told the Everett Herald, his donation equals what he saved from the tax cuts approved by former president George W. Bush beginning in 2001. "Over the last decade, my tax burden has decreased even as public funding for important local programs and institutions has been decimated—a trend I find alarming," said Steves in a written statement, encouraging other rich folks to follow his lead. Good work, Mr. Steves.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 26 In much worse news, the week continues with every parent's worst nightmare: a horny pediatrician. Details come from the Associated Press, which identifies the kid-diddling doctor as Earl Bradley, a Delaware pediatrician sentenced today to life in prison after being convicted of sexually abusing scores of young patients. As the AP reports, "Bradley was arrested in Dec. 2009 after a 2-year-old girl complained to her mother after an office visit that the doctor had hurt her. Investigators searched his office complex, decorated with Disney characters and miniature amusement park rides, and seized dozens of homemade videos... showing sex crimes against more than 80 victims, most of whom were toddlers." In addition to the 14 life sentences he received for his 14 counts of first-degree rape, Bradley received an additional 165 years for multiple counts of assault and continuous sexual exploitation of a child.
••Also today: Last Days' week-opening promise of zero fatal bear maulings was ruined by the discovery of the body of John Wallace in Yellowstone National Park, where the 59-year-old Michigan man had been hiking when he was fatally mauled by a bear. Silver lining: No relatives were telephoned during this mauling. Not-so-silver lining: This is Yellowstone's second fatal bear mauling of the summer.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 27 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Renton man who was driving through Seattle's Volunteer Park early this afternoon when he was waved down by a stranger, who reportedly got in the man's car and robbed him. "The suspect... pulled out a black revolver and robbed the victim of his cash," reports KOMO. "The suspect then got out of the car and fled through the park on foot. The suspect is described as a thin-built white male in his 30s, about six feet tall, with stringy brown hair, a goatee, bad teeth, and wearing a green shirt and baseball cap." Also, the stringy-haired, bad-toothed robber reportedly pulled his gun from a woven shoulder bag. Fucking hippies.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 28 The week ends with Hurricane Irene, as the humongo-storm that threatened to turn the entire East Coast into corpse-ridden, New Orleans–flavored soup landed with a whimper (that nevertheless managed to kill at least 40 people and decimate large portions of Vermont). Condolences to all.
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