Okay, people, listen up. Several readers wrote this week to share the meaning of the term "doing rails" with me. For the record, DUH! OF COURSE I know what "DOING RAILS" means! I was simply being coy to avoid a big fat stinking LAWSUIT. The confusion seems to have occurred when my cautious editors struck from last week's column the NAME of the "starlet" rumored to have been doing rails. I will gladly share the identity this starlet to curious readers, who are encouraged to write to adrian@thestranger.com...wait a minute! Now my editors tell me I can't share her identity with you via company e-mail. Oh well, any of you curious readers can buy me a drink the next time you see me out, and I'll whisper her name in your ear....

Oh, sure. She can make showy moralistic overtures by leading the Million Mom March. She can speak passionately against the injustices of a recording industry that "sucks artists dry." But can ersatz activist/nouveau do-gooder Courtney Love manage to pay her own damn LATE FEES? Not according to an informant at BROADWAY VIDEO, who claims that the shrill superstar--infamous for glamorizing addiction, alienating Madonna on national television, and (some psychos claim) murdering Kurt Cobain--has had outstanding late charges of 14 dollars for THE LAST THREE YEARS. And what movie did Little Miss Social Conscience wrack up such astronomical fees on? Sid and Nancy!

Enough already! I will no longer accept any mean-spirited "I saw Macaulay Culkin and he looked like a greasy crack ho" stories! Why? I personally ran across the little moppet and his missus downtown just last weekend, and he was cute as a bug! Chipper as a chipmunk! Happy as a clam! In fact, there just aren't enough similes to accurately describe just how adorable the little guy was. Okay--he WAS wearing a hood, so his hair MIGHT have been a wee bit greasy... but as far as I am concerned, Macaulay has blossomed into a swell young fella. So just lay off!

Great Pumpkin! Whatever happened to the days when surly rock stars wreaked havoc on defenseless hotel rooms? Smashing Pumpkins' James Iha didn't smash a darn thing at Four Seasons eatery Shuckers last week when his waiter informed him that the kitchen had screwed up his order, and that his fish 'n' chips would be (gulp) delayed. According to an eyewitness, Iha replied politely, sat patiently with his date (who "looked just like Rebecca Lord of The Real World"), and talked about (are you sitting down?) CHURCH. How wretchedly disillusioning.

When pigs walk on stilts? Road Rules' Piggy visited the Pacific Place Barnes & Noble last week and requested a book on how to make circus stilts. Whatever her motive in requesting such a bizarre and obscure item, my adorable informant/B&N employee claims that Piggy--what IS her real name?--was polite and sweet.

Fathers, lock up yer daughters! Danny Bonaduce, a.k.a. the second ugliest man on earth (Tom Petty was busy), teamed up with Dick Clark, a.k.a. the second oldest man on earth (Moses was busy), to film a TV pilot of an "all male" version of the morning show The View at the KOMO studios on Queen Anne last Thursday. Should be riveting.

And a miscellany of minor celebrity shenanigans: PM Magazine host John Curley was spotted at a downtown stoplight rocking out to Celine Dion and picking his nose ("right up to the knuckle!"), and Leslie Miller was seen picking out a pair of cheetah-print panties at a local Victoria's Secret.

I am watching you. Try to be interesting. adrian@thestranger.com.