Owls are the nerds of the animal kingdom. Think about it. They’re only good at two things: being quiet and graduating from stuff. Which is why it’s so refreshing to see owls put away their inhalers (FOR ONCE), craft some totally badass metal war hats (out of ore… that they mined… with their… wings?), and beat the shit out of each other someplace besides the chess board.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole is about a teenage barn owl named Soren who’s just lovin’ life—learning to fly, being way nicer than his brother, hanging out with his totally cool snake nanny, and telling his baby sister, Eglantine, stories about the legendary ancient warrior owls of Ga’Hoole (they were basically like regular owls, but with the aforementioned metal hats). Whenever there’s a lull in the conversation, Soren’s owl dad barfs up a pellet of owly wisdom like “Through our gizzards the voices of the ancients whisper to us and tell us what’s right.” Yep, everything’s pretty cool in the owl tree.
Unfortunately, one day Soren forgets that he doesn’t know how to fly (smooth move, Poindexter!) and falls to the forest floor, where he is immediately kidnapped by an evil owl clan bent on world domination. They take Soren back to their weird, owl-eugenics slave fortress (“As lower species, they’re fortunate to serve a higher cause”), where he discovers their nefarious plan, which involves kryptonite or something. That’s when Soren goes from GEEK to CHIC, gets the fuck out of there, reunites with snake nanny, and saves the entire earth. From kryptonite or something.
Go ahead and make fun of me—I really literally do not care—but Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole is COMPLETELY GOOD. First of all, the animation is nuts. The owls look like actual owls, only with emotions and jokes. Every feather and fluff moves independently. Secondly, all the cutest types of owl are included—which are, in ascending order of cuteness (scientifically verified by peer-reviewed study): barn owl, burrowing owl, baby owl, elf owl. Pay attention. ELF OWL. Third of all, why are you such a bully? Let the nerds have their day in the sun just this once. Don’t worry—they won’t stay out here too long. It’s bright. They’ll get sunburned. Fuckin’ nerds.