There are also some relatively attractive people who simply enjoy paying for sex. Maybe they got swept up in the whole Julia Roberts "pick 'em up off the streets and make something out of 'em" fantasy (NOTE: I said JULIA ROBERTS, NOT the character she played in Pretty Woman), or maybe they have desires so sick and twisted they could never get anyone they weren't paying to fulfill them.
Lucky for the aesthetically challenged and the seriously twisted, a whole class of shrewd capitalists earn their bread by closing their eyes, plugging their noses, and pretending they are somewhere else. We're talkin' 'bout the bad girls. We're talkin' 'bout the sad girls. Well, actually we aren't talking about the girls at all. I couldn't find my way around a vagina with a map and a metal detector, so for our purposes, we're going to be talking about the bad, sad BOYS. (So all of you feminists can just put down your poison pens, as we all know that it's perfectly okay to use, abuse, and exploit MEN.) So then, the male trade: hookers, hustlers, gigolos, and whores, the cock-sporting courtesans who give their all to plug the sad hole in the lives of the desperate and bring relief and happiness to unlayables all over the world. It's really very noble.
But few things are worse than buyer's remorse, especially when dealing in sins of the flesh. A boy is a major purchase, and the consumer needs to be informed. While there are groups lobbying for the safety and protection of street trade (like the San Francisco-based hookers-rights group COYOTE), who's making sure the johns get a fair shake? Who's looking out for the consumer?
I am.
The Stranger's Consumer Guide to the best and worst of Seattle's wacky and wonderful boys of the evening is my gift to you. Whether you're a curious first-timer, a hardcore whoremonger, or even a really hard-up woman, this guide is designed to help you separate the cream from the crumbs and get the most meat for your money.
How the Study Was Conducted
To rate the local rent-a-boys, I had to go deep undercover. I couldn't ring up every escort in town and say, "Excuse me, would you mind popping off a load for The Stranger's Consumer Guide to Local Whores?" now could I? I needed a cover.
My story was simple and elegant: My name was Sherman, and my very best friend was turning 26. As a birthday gift, I was setting him up in a downtown hotel and I wanted to arrange a little entertainment. All I needed was a boy (or boys) to arrive, drop his britches, pop a load, mop up, and go. No intercourse--heck, no TOUCHING--30 minutes max.
With my fib memorized and rehearsed, I began shopping for the meat. I decided to leave the shivering street waifs to the dirty old men with wives and pinkie rings and set my sights a bit higher. I needed something classier, more professional. Something with a pager. Something very Richard Gere. (NOTE: I said RICHARD GERE, NOT the character he played in American Gigolo.) I needed someone with an ad in the Seattle Gay News.
I stole a copy of the SGN (you didn't expect me to PAY for it, did you?) and began to make calls. Surprisingly, my calls weren't answered by the hacking, slurring junkies with mouths full of come I expected, but by boys who were friendly, bright, and surprisingly lucid. They were also too expensive. I was on a budget and in no position to drop $200 on a crummy 30-minute jack-off session. And some of the big, fancy ads with photos were actually covers for escort agencies, who just toss you whoever isn't OD'ing when you happen to call, not the man in the photo. This was tantamount to false advertising in my book--the old bait 'n' switch. So I was forced to narrow the search to the less glamorous ads with no photos. Almost all of these guys were much more reasonably priced, and I was able to arrange meetings with three escorts who were available, willing, and able to e-mail me a photo of themselves. But three escorts do not a complete review make.
So I broke down and did what every gay man who is seriously looking for a slut inevitably does: I logged on to the Internet. Within an hour, I had my remaining three boys scheduled. I set all of the appointments roughly an hour apart so there would be no embarrassing crossover, and made a reservation at a cheap but pseudo-respectable downtown hotel.
Each escort would be rated in four categories: personality, performance, looks, and load. They could score 0-10 in each category, making 40 the highest possible total score. So, armed with a room, a rating system, and a cache of call boys, I gathered up my laptop, a bottle of tequila, and "Birthday Joey" (a good friend, who coincidentally is 6'2" and 210 pounds--handy should one of our guests get twitchy and pull a blade on me) and set off to meet the escorts.
As I waited for my first appointment to arrive, I began to get skittish. It was worse than stage fright; it was a terrible, thrilling anxiety that shook me to my bones. I poured myself a drink while Birthday Joey paced around the room, chewing his lips and looking surly. Why were we so damn nervous? We were in charge here! I was the boss, the big daddy, the john. Whoever was about to walk through that door was here to work it for me. Besides, I had spoken to all of tonight's boys on the phone, and most seemed as sweet as pie. There was absolutely nothing to worry about.
JOE & DANN
5:30 p.m.
Stats
Joe
Where ad appears: SGN
Category: HAIRLESS VIRGIN
Price: $100 PER HOUR
Specialty: LAP DANCES
Orientation: GAY
Dann
Where ad appears: SGN
Category: HAIRLESS VIRGIN
Price: $100 PER HOUR
Specialty: LAP DANCES
Orientation:
The Come-On Two College Boys Are Better Than One
...Sure, you could have a gorgeous guy with a great personality and a body to die for. But imagine two... you don't have to imagine. Let us make your fantasy come true. Call Joe or Dann for erotic massage, dinner, dancing, even a private dance. Out calls only.
Overview
Joe and Dann work as a team. They are available for lap dances, massages, or a night on the town--at least, that's what they were willing to do for the price we were offering. Their "manager" (a friendly and barely pubescent-sounding little guy) e-mailed me a photo of Dann so I could get an idea of what I was getting myself into. The photo showed a very pretty, young man of color in full model pose. Joe didn't have a photo yet (this whole escorting gig was a little new for him). In most cases you'd have to be as dumb as a monkey to buy goods sight unseen, but I made an executive decision and booked Joe, too. If he were anywhere near as yummy as Dann, there wasn't going to be a problem.
When I opened the door, I was stunned. A profound love of life overwhelmed me and I wanted to drop to my knees and thank Jesus for faggots. Joe and Dann were a perfect set of pretty, gay bookends. Dann (yes, that's two "n's," thank you) is a seductive black boy who I will say looks 21. He is lean and lithe and moves like a cat. A really... sexy... cat. With abs. Joe is the quintessential ideal of Caucasian boy flesh, a strikingly good-looking guy of the same general height and age. He is tight and toned and has piercing eyes and a shy smile. They each gave us a bright hello, and were far friendlier than the front desk staff of the hotel. These guys didn't exceed my expectations; they blew them right off the map.
Total pros in every respect, Dann and Joe know exactly how adorable they are and milk it for every penny. They came in, set up their own CD player (they work to music!), popped in a Toni Braxton CD, and started to strip. Joe was the first to speak, "Um, excuse me? Could I please have a small glass of that Coke before we start?" he asked, in a voice that just made me want to hug the stuffin' out of him. Birthday Joey and I took our seats, and the boys went to work. (Even though they work as a pair, they will be rated separately for the sake of simplicity.)
Scoring
Dann is not only adorable, he is also a total class act. His "performance" with Joe consisted mostly of teasing and simulation, strictly above board: Clients may not touch below the waistband of his velveteen dancing skivvies. But he didn't do that tacky lap-dance crap you see in strip joints or Whitesnake videos--it was more arousing and erotic than I could have ever imagined. Dann knows exactly how to work up his audience. Unfortunately, no orgasms were had. At least, not while Dann was still in the room.
Personality: 10
Performance: 10
Looks: 10
Load: 0
Overall rating: 30
Joe is a bona fide babe. Gay men spend their entire lives either trying to bag or become Joe. He is the kind of boy you crane your neck to get a better look at on the bus, the boy you tie yourself up in knots obsessing over, the boy you wouldn't take home to Mom because she'd probably try to get on top of him herself. He is the Abercrombie & Fitch fantasy fully realized. He is also (along with his partner) a li'l sweetheart. But alas, no orgasm. When Joe and Dann had finished their grinding and we all had calmed down a bit, we laughed and joked and talked about shoes and the opening of the new Kenneth Cole store, just like regular girlfriends! They both gave me big hugs goodbye and asked me to tell all of my friends about them. You got it.
Personality: 10
Performance: 10
Looks: 10
Load: 0
Overall rating: 30
BRAD
6:30 p.m.
Stats
Where ad appears: SGN
Category: SEEN BETTER DAYS
Price: $100 PER HOUR (REGARDLESS OF ACTIVITY)
Specialty: PILLOW BITER
Orientation:
The Come-On
My stats are 5'11" tall, 175 lbs, 31" waist, 44" chest with rounded pecs, 14 1/2" arms, 22" thighs, square cut jaw, clean shaven, full lips, large brown eyes, and short auburn hair.
Overview
"Thank you for calling; this is Brad, how may I help you?---snnniiiiffffffffffff... AH!" Wow. That is how I was greeted when I dialed the number I discovered on Brad's web page. Aside from all the snorting, it was the most professional greeting I had received from anyone I called. (Maybe telemarketing is his day gig.) Brad takes a multimedia approach to marketing his ass. A simple but eye-catching ad in the SGN directed me to his web page, which was chock full of photos, vital statistics, and contact information.
But something was a little fishy. First, there was only one face shot, and it was artfully--almost totally--obscured. Next, Brad had failed to include how old he was. When it comes to rent boys, omitted information is a red flag. People don't leave stuff out unless they have something to hide. But all of Brad's body shots were sexy enough. And he seemed to be exactly the contrast to Joe and Dann I was looking for: a mature hunk of manly beefcake. I took a chance.
Oh. Dear. Standing in the doorway at 6:30 was my queer Uncle Russell returned from the grave--the prissy dude who wore maroon sweater-vests, loved Lawrence Welk, and had a mountain of kiddie porn stashed in the trunk of his car. This was definitely not the hot-bodied hustler whose website convinced me to book his services. Brad wasn't strictly unattractive, but he was well past his heyday. He was also wearing a pound of foundation, had ringed his eyes in white powder, and had covered an obvious bald spot by working his remaining hair into an impossible combination of comb-overs.
Scoring
Poor Brad couldn't get his pecker up if it were tied to the wing of a B-2 stealth bomber. Sweating and exasperated, he finally abandoned his furious fisting and tried to entertain us by telling jokes and making his sad, floppy log spin around like a propeller by swiveling his hips. The stress in the hotel room was terrible. I grinned through gritted teeth and tried to hide my terror, but Birthday Joey snapped like a twig. "NO! STOP IT! I do NOT want to see you do that!" God bless him. Brad was shaken, and so was I, but thankfully it was time for him to go. While I fully understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and "good-looking" is a relative term, frankly, I wouldn't fuck Brad with someone else's dick. The fact that he left with my money was a sick, sad joke.
Personality: 9.5 (HE WAS A VERY SWEET, PROFESSIONAL GUY)
Performance: 3
Looks: 4
Load: 0
Overall rating: 16.5
TOTAL FRAT JOCK
7:30 p.m.
Stats
Where ad appears: LURKING AROUND GAY.COM
Category: FINE YOUNG DADDY
Price: $80 PER HOUR
Specialty: BLOWJOBS/SHOWS
Orientation:
Hot, hung, young stud with muscle and boy-next-door looks in $earch of generou$ guy$. Pic available. Pvt. if interested.
Overview
I discovered TFJ lurking around Gay.com (the ultimate e-whorehouse, for amateurs and pros alike). He clearly stated in his web profile that he was looking for employment, but I could tell right away that he wasn't a pro in the strictest sense. First of all, he gave me a rigorous third degree. Was I cute? How big was my dick? What was I into? What about my friend, Birthday Joey? Then he demanded that I send him a photo of ME. TFJ was escorting for kicks--the money was an afterthought. Lucky for me, I lived up to TFJ's strict standards and he agreed to appear at my hotel room--to entertain my friend on his birthday--at 7:30 p.m. sharp.
Scoring
Unfortunately, Total Frat Jock was a total frickin' flake and didn't show up. He is a disgrace to proud tramps everywhere.
Personality: 0
Performance: 0
Looks: 8 (HE WAS DAMN fiNE, IF THAT'S REALLY HIS PICTURE)
Load: 0
Total Score: 8
JAKE
8:00 p.m.
Stats
Where ad appears: SGN
Category: HARDCORE PARTY BOY
Price: $100 PER HOUR
Specialty: CREATIVE BOTTOM BOY/DOMINATION
Orientation:
The Come-On Jake
Attractive Escort
Available 24/7 for hot, fun, safe, discreet encounters tailored to your preference. I am multi-talented, creative, and open-minded. 26 years old, Caucasian, blk/blu. 6', 145#, not hairy, clean cut. Prompt and Friendly. In/out, Cap Hill Location.
Overview
"Hi Sherman, this is Jake. If you could please page me back and include your room number this time... it is very hard for me to return your pages right now. I am at COSTCO with my grandmother." Awwww! What a fucking angel! Who knew escorts were such swell guys? Jake promptly returned calls and pages, and he was always friendly and professional. Physically, he is pretty much what you're looking for when you think "prostitute" (oops, I mean "escort"). His lean body is rippling with "boy muscle" (differentiated from regular muscle in that it exists due to a total lack of body fat). Jake is handsome and eager. But there is definitely a jaded and well-used air about him. His overall image is pliable enough to accommodate a wide range of fantasies: He can serve as the clean-cut nephew you'd take out to dinner, or the cheap back-alley fuck you'd ride like a Harley. When Jake arrived at the hotel, he grinned, shook my hand, marched to the bed, and went right to work. This boy is all business. He plopped himself down, kicked off his shoes, and stripped down to his blue-and-white striped boxer shorts. He leaned back and plunged his hand down his britches. All that was missing was synthesized music and bad voice dubbing.
Scoring
Jake gave a great little show, with all of the requisite moaning, gasping, and "Oh yeahs." But a few minutes into his routine, Jake began having trouble getting his little soldier to remain at attention. He attributed this to nerves, our unusual request for a "show" (he was used to more "hands-on" jobs, wink wink), and the Cristal he had had earlier in the evening. Cristal? Why, that is one of the most expensive champagnes in the world! Obviously, I am in the wrong business.
Personality: 9
Performance: 7
Looks: 7
Load: 0 (CAN'T ANY SO-CALLED PROFESSIONALS MANAGE AN ORGASM?!)
Overall rating: 23
J.J. & T.J.
10:00 p.m.
Stats
Where ad appears: GAY.COM
Price: $80 PER HOUR
Specialty: TAG TEAM/SHOWS/ORGIES
Orientation:
The Come-On
Two VGL boys looking for a third or more for hot times. Late 20's, in-shape, hung, versatile, fun. Party? Pvt. us.
Overview
J. J. and T. J. claim to be boyfriends in their late 20s, and like Total Frat Jock, seem to be in the escorting game for kicks. J. J. describes himself as black, 5'11", 165 lbs., uncircumcised, and bisexual. T. J. is a white guy, 5'8", 150 lbs., with brown hair and eyes.
Scoring
Just like Total Frat Jock, J. J. and T. J. flaked out at the last minute. But at least they were polite enough to call. They even e-mailed Birthday Joey an apology and birthday greeting!
Personality: 2 (FOR BEING COURTEOUS ENOUGH TO CALL)
Performance: -2 (FOR NOT SHOWING UP)
Looks: 0
Load: 0
Overall rating: 0
SWEDISH SURFER BOY
11:30 p.m.
Stats
Where ad appears: SGN/THE STRANGER/ SEATTLE GAY STANDARD
Category: TATTOOED AND PIERCED DREAM BOY
Specialty: NAKED FULL-BODY MASSAGES
Price: $60 AND UP
Orientation:
The Come-On
25 y/o surfer boy, 5'10", 140#, smooth, lean body, sweet, affectionate, honest wants to give you a fully nude body massage. Friendly, fun, discreet. In only.
Overview
When J. J. & T. J. flaked out, they left me in a terrible bind. I needed at least one more escort to complete my review. I left the hotel, stole another SGN, and evaluated my options. Soon, I was standing outside the Capitol Hill apartment of Swedish Surfer Boy, freezing, exhausted, and so nervous I wanted to puke. SSB was one of the very first escorts I had originally called, but I had decided against using him. He only did "in-calls" and wouldn't come to our hotel room. Sitting safely in a hotel with a burly chaperone is one thing, but being on someone else's turf had me spooked. What if my head ended up in this guy's freezer? What if this were some kind of police sting? What if he turned out to be someone I knew--or worse, had dated? But I had no choice; SSB was the only boy in SGN willing to work for the 80 or so bucks of The Stranger's money that I had left on such short notice.
When SSB opened the door, I was too flustered to actually look at him. He asked me to take off my shoes and welcomed me into his small but immaculate apartment. I wanted to jump through the wall. He put on some music (something ambient and romantic), lit some candles, and asked me to relax. He crossed the room, sat on his bed, pulled his shirt over his head, and went to work.
Scoring
SSB was not at all what I expected. He was much, much better. This boy is so hot he should come in a plain brown wrapper. His ad claims that he is 25, but he looks younger. He has a shaved head, a few beautiful tattoos, a pierced nose, and big hazel eyes. But his smile is what I noticed most--and I never notice smiles. I wanted to dump my wallet at his feet and swear eternal patronage. And not only did SSB give a steamy solo show, he was the only escort who actually managed to have an orgasm! Finally!
As SSB was mopping up, we had a little chat. He turned out to be smart, funny, sincere (as far as I could tell), and really, really sweet. He told me all about his business and his boyfriend (yes, the boyfriend knows), and he told me his real name. He doesn't do drugs; he's STD-free; and he chooses his clients with great care. "But I am not going to escort forever," he told me. "What I really want to do is make porn." He is already on his way with his website (www.slothvideo.com), where he sells amateur videos of college boys for $25 a pop. "But if I had my life to do all over, the one thing I would do again is escort. I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything in the world."
Personality: 10
Performance: 10
Looks: 9
Load: 10 (fiNALLY!)
Overall rating: 39!
* * *
My head was buzzing as I wandered back to the hotel. In one night, I had gleaned a lifetime of wisdom. First of all, I learned that the Internet is the worst place to ?nd a bona ?de rent boy. This is because (1) most chat rooms police either their member’s pro?les or the chats themselves, and anyone caught soliciting is booted off (nevertheless, when I advertised my desire to pay, 50 sluts sent messages to me, begging to do it for free); (2) all of the whores in chat rooms are in it for kicks, and, therefore, somewhat undermotivated; (3) even if you do score a real live escort, the bugger will fail to show up.
There are three distinct types of escorts: those for whom escorting is a VOCATION, those for whom it is an AVOCATION, and those who do it out of DESPERATION. It’s de?nitely best to skip the last two and stick with the pros. Also, ignore the fancy-schmancy ads for porn stars, who are overpriced, overrated, or just covers for agencies. And remember—escorts are people, and occasionally very good-hearted ones. They take a lot of risks just to make you happy, and they deserve respect.
Happy holidays, happy whoring… and tell ’em Sherman sent ya.
To get the most buck for your buck:
· Go for the pros. If any escort asks what you look like, you are dealing with an amateur. Take your business elsewhere.
· Unless he comes with a damn good reference, always get a picture.
· Take a bath.
· Avoid chat rooms and escort websites. They suck.
· You're never too horny to ask for a picture.
· Don't haggle. It's degrading to you and the escort.
· Always get a picture.
· Have 911 on speed dial, just in case.
· Make your intentions clear.
· Back out if you are in any way uncomfortable, and respect your escort's right to do the same.
· Get a picture, get a picture, get a picture.
