Machine Gun Preacher is the sort of movie that thinks you are stupid. Since you are part of the moviegoing public that has made The Lion King 3-D the top-grossing film of the past two weeks, perhaps you are. But even if you are Lion King 3-D stupid, you are still smarter than Machine Gun Preacher thinks you are.

Machine Gun Preacher is the sort of movie where agents handed their clients its script while sneering, "The Academy's gonna love this."

Machine Gun Preacher is the sort of movie that believes it will win acclaim. Related: The only sort of movies that believe this are actually the sort of movies that belong on the Hallmark Channel.

Machine Gun Preacher is the sort of movie where the lead actor will tell entertainment journalists about his character's remarkable and/or inspirational journey. This will be followed by entertainment journalists dutifully reminding their audiences that this is the sort of movie that is based on a true story. This will happen even if the story in question—in this case, asshole ex-con turns sanctimonious Jesus freak and devotes his life to saving African war orphans—seems kinda bullshitty. Even if it seems particularly bullshitty right around the time the former ex-con/current Jesus freak finds a rocket launcher and turns into Rambo.

Machine Gun Preacher is the sort of movie where characters give speeches. Machine Gun Preacher is the sort of movie that believes white people can solve all of the world's problems. Machine Gun Preacher is the sort of movie that will be passionately recommended to you by someone you don't like very much—probably on Facebook. Machine Gun Preacher is the sort of movie that reminds you of those late-night commercials that guilt-trip you into considering sponsoring a child in Africa for mere pennies a day. Machine Gun Preacher is the sort of movie where you feel bad for everyone who encounters the main character, especially if those people are already African war orphans, and even if this guy does have a pretty cool rocket launcher. recommended