Re: Relocating
Amazon
When you launched "the world's biggest bookstore" in 1995, Jeff, it almost made sense to base your operations in Seattle. Almost. Back then Seattleites were thought of as tech-friendly book lovers, not drunken rioters. But even in the mid-'90s, Jeff, Seattle was already one of the most expensive real-estate markets in the country. An online bookstore may not need retail locations, but the world's biggest bookstore requires a huge amount of warehouse and office space.
Of course, back in the '90s, Wall Street didn't care if a dot-com ever made a profit. Building market share was all that mattered, and Amazon's ability to attract loyal customers sent your stock price soaring. Wall Street didn't seem to notice that Amazon lost money on almost every sale.
They've noticed now, Jeff.
The dot-com bubble burst, your stock price sank, and suddenly all Wall Street cares about is profit. The error you made when you decided to base your operations in Seattle must be apparent even to you, Jeff. Forget "get big fast." If your company is going to survive, you're going to have to move fast to lift Amazon's great, big, money-losing ass out of that tub of red ink. And to do that, you're going to have to relocate.
"Obviously, the first reason to move here is to make money," says Mark Denson of the Detroit Chamber of Commerce. "We've got plenty of warehouse space, and our property prices are a distinct advantage."
Compared to Seattle, Detroit is a bargain. The average monthly price per square foot for high-end office space in Seattle is $33.68. In Detroit, high-end office space goes for $19.25 a square foot! Amazon currently occupies 186,000 square feet of office space in Seattle (186K x $33.68 = $6.3 million). Move your operations to Detroit (186K x $19.25 =$3.6 million), and you'll be saving $2.7 million dollars per month. Multiply that savings by 12 (one year = 12 months), Jeff, and you're $32 million dollars closer to profitability. These are not insignifigant numbers, Jeff. If Amazon should survive two more years, moving to Detroit will have created $64 million in shareholder value!
Of course, after Gary, Indiana, Detroit is the ugliest and most depressing place in North America. But you're not asking your customers to shop in Detroit. Amazon will still be located in our living rooms and on our laptops. Move to Detroit and turn a profit fast, Jeff.
Starbucks
Reassuring insecure Seattleites that their local coffee company wasn't going anywhere, Starbucks issued a press release in the wake of Boeing's announcement: "The Seattle community has been very supportive of Starbucks over the past 30 years," the press release read, "and we have a responsibility to remain an integral part of our hometown." A Starbucks spokesperson contacted by The Stranger, Cheri Libby, was even more direct. "We have no plans to move," Libby said.
Not wise, Howard. That press release could come back to haunt you when it's time to squeeze local elected officials for tax breaks and corporate welfare.
It's time to stop thinking of Starbucks as a local company. Hometown? Starbucks doesn't have a hometown! Starbucks, like Boeing, is a global company. There are Starbucks coffee shops all over the world, and you have bean-buying operations based in dozens of coffee-growing countries. Most of these coffee-growing countries are "developing nations," a.k.a. Third World countries. The governments of Third World countries are a Republican's wet dream. Large corporations aren't pestered by meddlesome regulations, nor are they expected to pay taxes in significant amounts. So instead of telling Seattleites that you won't ever move away, Howard, Starbucks should be giving serious consideration to moving closer to your suppliers, i.e. to one of those corporate-friendly Third World countries you buy your beans from.
Consider Guatemala. A huge percentage of the world's coffee beans are grown in Guatemala, and the majority of the world's coffee is grown in Central and South America. What are you doing so far north, Howard, when your suppliers are down south?
Here's another perk of relocating to Guatemala: Tully's Coffee Corporation has admitted that it intends to open a coffee shop "across the street" from every Starbucks in the world. Howard, did you know that there are dozens of paramilitary death squads in Guatemala looking for full employment? After a peace settlement in the late '90s, most of Guatemala's death squads switched from massacring adult peasants to murdering orphaned street kids, which has been something of a P.R. disaster for Guatemala's death squads. But if Guatemala's beleaguered death squads could find respectable employment working for, say, a good corporate citizen like Starbucks... are you with me, Howard? A Tully's opens across the street from a Starbucks. A few days later, a re-branded Starbucks death squad pays a little visit. A few dead baristas, and you won't have to worry about anyone wanting to drink Tully's coffee, Howard, much less wear Tully's colors.
Microsoft
In the past year, 13 Seattle-area dot-coms and tech companies closed their doors, and nearly 2,600 people lost their jobs. If there were ever a time to sever the ties of the Emerald City, Bill, this is it. After Boeing announced that it was leaving Seattle, Mayor Paul Schell went on television and claimed that Seattle was "the Microsoft town." Question for you, Bill: Does Microsoft want its customers to think of the company as a Seattle anything? Race riots, earthquakes, WTO, and... Microsoft?
With the beating your stock has taken lately, it's probably not a good time to think about moving Microsoft's 10,000-plus Seattle-based employees as far away as, say, Guatemala. Most of your employees couldn't afford to make such a drastic move, and, unlike Amazon, you've proved you can turn a profit in the Pacific Northwest. So for your company, Bill, we found a perfect nearby location.
Redmond boasts a business-friendly city council, and there's a lot of open space in Redmond. "If you still want that small-town feel, you can get it here," says Redmond Mayor Rosemarie Ives. If Microsoft were to move from Seattle to Redmond, Bill, you could gather all of your employees in one location--call it a "campus"--and your employees would be able to commute from the homes they currently own. And working in Redmond would boost Microsoft's status as a global company. Both Nintendo and Eddie Bauer call Redmond home.
There's only one downside to relocating to Redmond, Bill: The mayor isn't playing with a full deck. "[Paul Schell] needs a geography lesson," says the clearly delusional Ives, who seems to think Microsoft is already located in Redmond.
