Morning Glory: You're Too Good for This Shit
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), also known as spastic colon, is a bowel disorder characterized by chronic abdominal pain, bloating, diarrhea, constipation, and other discomfort "in the absence of any detectable organic cause." In other words, something's wrong with your poop but you don't know why. Possible causal factors include infection, immune disorders, age, stress, and fish and chips. According to Wikipedia, "Some studies indicate that up to 60% of persons with IBS also have a psychological disorder, typically anxiety or depressions," and it often occurs in conjunction with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, which makes sense because those are also largely made-up disorders. (I kid, I kid! I'm sure you're lactose intolerant, too, or whatever. My condolences. Now please stop talking to me.)
According to my new favorite website, IBS and Famous People (sic throughout), "Cybill Shepperd has IBS and she hid in pain for a long period of time." Similarly, "Kurt Cobain said his IBS symptoms ultimately led him to the addiction of Heroin... He later commited suicide due to his drug addictions and IBS may have been considered to played a small role in that decision." Other celebrities who have complained of IBS symptoms include "Adolf Hitler, Tyra Banks, Jenny McCarthy, Elizabeth Taylor, Sigmund Freud, Kristen Dunst, and Fran Drescher." So as you can see, IBS is a super-duper pain in the ass that affects the bowel movements and buttholes of people from all walks of life, and probably caused the Holocaust.
The new film Morning Glory concerns an idealistic young television producer, portrayed by the ebullient Rachel McAdams, who has no bowel disorders whatsoever and is obsessed with the Today show (because, sure, that's a thing that happens). She gets hired to resurrect America's lowest-rated morning show, Daybreak, thus embarking upon a "humorous" emotional journey that climaxes with Diane Keaton convulsing next to 50 Cent and Harrison Ford cooking a Very Meaningful Frittata. The network where all of this takes place? Not CBS, not NBC, not ABC, not even PBS—but a fictional station that the filmmakers, without even a whisper of a wink, have chosen to call IBS. IBS. Irritable bowel syndrome. IBS. IBS. IBS!!! As in Tyra Banks's bunchy, distended colon, y'all!
This is distracting at first, until you realize that Morning Glory is a complete piece of shit, and then you're all, "Hmm, how apropos!"
This article has been updated from its original version because Lindy West supposedly thought of a better joke.