'Member when we argued on the concept of regret?/You were an expert even then, but not me, not yet/Now all you gotta do's remind me that we met/And there you got me, that's how you got me, taught me to regret. —MC Fiona Apple, "Regret"

Regret's a motherfucker. A poisonous thing to have within, I think, but one that's eventually unavoidable. I recently read a statement that made me think about regret:

"I violently attacked someone I love. We were arguing & I lost it and I repeatedly punched her in her face, choked her and threatened her life. I'm realizing that I learned this behavior as a child who repeatedly witnessed domestic violence and I'm going to take a break from my career to get the serious help I need to end this cycle of abuse. I ask my fans to pray for me, and more importantly for Rihanna." Only, Chris Brown didn't write it. Detroit writer dream hampton did, to show what Brown could've done back in 2009 instead of playing the victim—not a good look. Her example inspired me to write some (hella fictional, totally made up) regrets for other people.

Rick Ross: "I regret facing 12 blunts then having a pile of pork-belly fries and a three-liter of Mountain Dew on my private plane that one time. Shit did not agree with me. Ungh."

Gunplay: "I dunno... sticking up my accountant, maybe? LOL."

Common: "Beefing with Drake. You remember about that, right? It was an ill-advised grab for relevance that saddled me with a great deal more irrelevance than I was already working with before."

Kendrick Lamar: "Telling people not to vote. Feel free to vote for good kid, m.A.A.d. city on the Pazz & Jop, though. High powered."

Kanye West: "I regret making fashion-forward rappers, I mean the guys who wanna be me, start wearing leather jeggings and tall tees. That just wasn't cool of me. I also regret to report that Kim has the cutest nose... ever!"

Kim Kardashian: "No way. You do!"

Rihanna: "NO FUCKS GIVEN."

Lil Wayne: "[sigh]... Where do I start?"

A$AP Rocky: "I regret that my time may be up if I can't muster some actual skill beyond being a human Tumblr dash. Well, at least I got these cool leather pants."

As for a real regret: Earlier this year, Pitchfork did an interview with teenage Chicago rapper Chief Keef... at a gun range. Seeing as the media loves reinforcing some rappers' own sad self-image of being subhuman killing machines, this is hardly surprising—but they still apologized for it: "Several months ago we interviewed Chief Keef at a gun range in New York City. This concept was rushed and never should have happened... Pitchfork's roots are in Chicago and many of our employees and several contributors live in the city. The horror of the gun violence that has plagued our hometown is something we all take very seriously. Many people have pointed out that this episode could be seen as trivializing gun violence, and we feel they have a good point... We apologize for this mistake and have removed the video from our archives." Chief Keef was unavailable for comment, but seeing as he was on parole at the time and now may have that very video used against him in court, I'm sure he regrets that shit, too. recommended