To paraphrase Kurt Cobain paraphrasing Neil Young, “It’s better to do a necrophilic comeback album than to fade away”—or whatever (I’m paraphrasing!). Point is, if Alice in Chains can shake off an old dead lead singer, replace him with a sound-alike whose old band was called Awareness Void of Chaos (no lie), and sell out two nights at the Paramount—then why not Nirvana? The only question is: Who could fill Cobain’s shoes (his figurative shoes, not his posthumously licensed Converse All-Stars)? The Stranger has compiled a handy chart to help make the choice easier.

Dave Grohl • Knows all the songs.
• Nice smile.
• Works too hard.
• Cares too much.
• Middling. Never met a musical project he didn’t like (hello, Probot!), but decidedly tasteful about not robbing Cobain’s grave for his own glory. • Does the pope shit Latin? (He does!)
Courtney Love • Already comfortable singing songs written by Cobain. • Surviving members of Nirvana hate her guts.
• Twittering at a third-grade level.
• Gypsy curse.
• Poor. Too busy trying to be a better bag of cocaine and lips for her daughter. • Probably. He always made crappy decisions where Love was concerned.
Lil Wayne • Best Rapper Alive™.
• Picks up Alice in Chains’ black-lead-singer gauntlet.
• Enjoys sedatives.
• Might actually insist on playing guitar. • Unlikely. Unless his prison sentence allows work release—for ROCKING! • Likely. Nirvana were known to pump NWA in the van; Cobain may well have enjoyed Weezy’s syrupy freestylings.
Everett True • Knows Nirvana better than they know themselves.
• Invented Grunge™.
• The "Fifth Beatle."
• The Legend—not funny.
• British.
• Not good. As an Australian resident, would have to compete with Silverchair, who’ve wanted the job since before the body was cold. • Yes! Cobain was in fact so fond of the journalist that he famously got an Everett True tattoo on his arm.
Susan Boyle • Capable at covering popular rock and/or roll songs.
• Shares Cobain’s blue-collar roots.
• Penchant for piano balladry could make "Territorial Pissings" sound like "November Rain."
• Giant face.
• Solo success has already kind of broken her brain.
• Poor. With an album of covers already charting, why limit herself to one band’s repertoire? • No. Real musicians get record deals by drunkenly accosting Bruce Pavitt, not by going on Star Search.
Axl Rose • Um… not dead? That’s about it.
• Has experience reanimating a 17-years-dormant band.
• Has live snakes for hair, like Medusa.
• Unresolved issues with "immigrants and faggots."
• Buckethead.
• Bad. While not exactly exhausting himself touring for "Guns N’ Roses," would probably prefer to stay in his bunker working on 100-tracked guitar jerk-offs. • Does the pope believe in "the Holocaust"? (No.)
Frances Bean Cobain • Looks just like him! • Repulsively exploitative. • Middling. Could be a dynamite way to rebel against batshit crazy mom, but seems more like the "get into a good school, marry someone normal, and never speak to my mother again" kind of rebel. • It’s a little late for parental advice now, isn’t it?
Guitar Hero 5 Kurt Cobain Avatar • Looks just like him! • Once unlocked, as liable to sing Bon Jovi songs as Nirvana originals. • Very good! Unlike the fussy old Cobain, this little guy is completely controllable at the push of a button. Plus, he only costs $60 retail. • As controller of Cobain’s estate, Love has stated: "the goddammed Lunchbox was it for me i get crucified over Converse shoes i didnt approve and stood it, then spy a lunchbox and nowGHERO?NO!!" So, um, no?
Layne Staley • Still dead :(
Illustrations by Robert Ullman recommended

Alice in Chains perform Thurs Feb 4 at 7:30 pm, Fri Feb 5 at 8 pm, Paramount, $36.50–$46.50 (sold out), all ages.