Never Fade Away
Alice in Chains Have a New Singer—Why Not Nirvana?
|PROS||CONS||ODDS OF TAKING GIG||WOULD KURT APPROVE?|
• Knows all the songs.
• Nice smile.
• Works too hard.
• Cares too much.
|• Middling. Never met a musical project he didn’t like (hello, Probot!), but decidedly tasteful about not robbing Cobain’s grave for his own glory.||• Does the pope shit Latin? (He does!)|
|Courtney Love||• Already comfortable singing songs written by Cobain.||
• Surviving members of Nirvana hate her guts.
• Twittering at a third-grade level.
• Gypsy curse.
|• Poor. Too busy trying to be a better bag of cocaine and lips for her daughter.||• Probably. He always made crappy decisions where Love was concerned.|
• Best Rapper Alive™.
• Picks up Alice in Chains’ black-lead-singer gauntlet.
• Enjoys sedatives.
|• Might actually insist on playing guitar.||• Unlikely. Unless his prison sentence allows work release—for ROCKING!||• Likely. Nirvana were known to pump NWA in the van; Cobain may well have enjoyed Weezy’s syrupy freestylings.|
• Knows Nirvana better than they know themselves.
• Invented Grunge™.
• The "Fifth Beatle."
• The Legend—not funny.
|• Not good. As an Australian resident, would have to compete with Silverchair, who’ve wanted the job since before the body was cold.||• Yes! Cobain was in fact so fond of the journalist that he famously got an Everett True tattoo on his arm.|
• Capable at covering popular rock and/or roll songs.
• Shares Cobain’s blue-collar roots.
• Penchant for piano balladry could make "Territorial Pissings" sound like "November Rain."
• Giant face.
• Solo success has already kind of broken her brain.
|• Poor. With an album of covers already charting, why limit herself to one band’s repertoire?||• No. Real musicians get record deals by drunkenly accosting Bruce Pavitt, not by going on Star Search.|
• Um… not dead? That’s about it.
• Has experience reanimating a 17-years-dormant band.
• Has live snakes for hair, like Medusa.
• Unresolved issues with "immigrants and faggots."
|• Bad. While not exactly exhausting himself touring for "Guns N’ Roses," would probably prefer to stay in his bunker working on 100-tracked guitar jerk-offs.||• Does the pope believe in "the Holocaust"? (No.)|
|Frances Bean Cobain||• Looks just like him!||• Repulsively exploitative.||• Middling. Could be a dynamite way to rebel against batshit crazy mom, but seems more like the "get into a good school, marry someone normal, and never speak to my mother again" kind of rebel.||• It’s a little late for parental advice now, isn’t it?|
|Guitar Hero 5 Kurt Cobain Avatar||• Looks just like him!||• Once unlocked, as liable to sing Bon Jovi songs as Nirvana originals.||• Very good! Unlike the fussy old Cobain, this little guy is completely controllable at the push of a button. Plus, he only costs $60 retail.||• As controller of Cobain’s estate, Love has stated: "the goddammed Lunchbox was it for me i get crucified over Converse shoes i didnt approve and stood it, then spy a lunchbox and nowGHERO?NO!!" So, um, no?|
|Layne Staley||• Still dead :(|